Information Superhighway to Hell

I love the internet. Absolutely, positively, without a doubt love it. I wonder how we ever lived without it. We were likely way more productive back in the day but we are way more entertained now. I would also argue that people need constant stimuli now as a result of being able to be entertained so easily, but it seems like a worthy side effect to me.

Just think of the world of convenience we now enjoy. If I so choose on any given day I can check sports scores, watch videos of a chipmunk waterskiing in a pool, order a pizza, watch full episodes of my favorite shows, chat with friends, check my bank account, buy stocks, buy a new car, sell all the junk in my closet, buy a Russian wife, either order a real book or find a book that I can read on my computer screen, buy "embarassing" pharmacy items, download my favorite CDs and songs, see what my kids might look like, check what celebrities I look most like, find out what people I didn't talk to in high school are doing, buy a plane ticket, make dinner reservations, pay my bills, watch some B-List celebrity's sex tape and so much more. All without leaving my place. Back in the day (which was a Wednesday) it would take me over a week to do all of those things, now I could likely do it all in an hour if I put my mind to it.

Throw in the fact that I can now do all of the above stuff on my phone and it is absolutely ridiculous. I can remember rotary phones, it would take over 90 seconds just to dial a 7 digit number. Touch tone phones were a huge upgrade. There was a time when I was quite young that I was the remote control for the television (I thought my name was "Change the channel" until I was 6 years old). When I was 6 years old I could read and memorize the TV listings because that cut down on the channel changing. Oh how far we have come...I'm very interested to see where it goes from here.

Of course it is not all yellow brick road. Having access to so many things at the click of a mouse makes a lot of people unable to entertain themself for even a short amount of time in the absence of technology. There is such a constant barrage of images and sounds thrown at us during the course of the day that we tune most of it out without even realizing it. When all that noise is taken away it feels excruciatingly quiet for a lot of people. Attention spans are generally lower and people need the familar "hum" to distract them. That is precisely why I like to go out into nature for a hike or a camping trip every once in a while just to remind myself of what it used to be like and to come back refreshed feeling more like a human.

I'm all alone, pick up the phone...

So you're sitting at home on a random night, there's nothing good on TV but you keep flicking through the channels. Your friends invited you out but you declined. Now you're wishing you had just given in to the peer pressure and met up with them. You decide to surf the internet and you see them...you flip through the channels and you are bombarded with them. You wonder just how effective they are. Nobody in their right mind would ever call or click, or would they? Then you start wondering why they are so abundant if they never work at all, so some people must be providing the positive reinforcement to keep them going. Are they the weirdos and social misfits living in their mom's basement?

Of course I am talking about the abundance of ads we see everyday. I am bombarded with ridiculous ads every time I log into Facebook claiming I can "get a hot girlfriend today", "meet hot girls in your area", "have girls lining up to date you", "have any woman I desire", and even "meet hot (fill in the foreign nationality) women" just by clicking on the link. You mean to tell me it is THAT easy? Maybe all this time I have been needlessly making it all harder than it could be. I feel like an idiot now. Leave it to me to make everything more difficult than it needs to be. I've been wasting all this time talking to people who have english as their first language. Now I know better. Thanks Facebook. I mean look at the ad above, who in their right mind would not want a free trip to Costa Rica with their family to meet up with the woman in the dental floss bathing suit??

The TV ads are even worse. They show the scantily clad women laying on a bed chatting on the phone all the while talking to the camera. She is amazing at multitasking and quite attractive to boot. She looks so happy to be staying in on a Saturday night talking on her home phone. It must be amazingly stimulating conversation on the other end of the phone. I have to say I am a bit jealous as I eat my Cherry Garcia ice cream and wonder what the hell they are chatting about. Maybe she is discussing the stock market and the economy. Gas Prices? International trading with China, Obama's first year in office? Maybe her new pedicure or a new shade of nail polish...or just maybe how she is getting paid to make a ridiculous commercial. Do people actually think there is any chance they are talking to this girl when they call the number? I'm guessing chances are you will be talking to a 300lb circus freak lady with hair in her belly button and grease stains on her 2XL tshirt. Please somebody hold me back. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. I can't seem to forget the old school commercials where there were like three women dressed in leather outfits of different varieties all around a large fence. They are singing the "Pick up the phooooooooooone, I'm all aloooooooooone...pick up the phone pick up the phone". They start climbing on the fence and grabbing on it and shaking it like the fence is the only thing holding them back from getting to you. For only $5.99 a minute you can make that fence magically disappear and speak to one of these women on the phone. It's a steal of a deal at twice the price really, what are you waiting for? Well if you are like me you are waiting for this idiot commercial to be over and for the informercial for the "Snuggie" to come on.

Stay thirsty my friends...

Unicef

When I was around 7 yrs old I had grand ideas of how I was going to change the world. When I was asked to collect money for Unicef and told how it was going to help a lot of children eat I knew it was something I definitely wanted to do. I kept thinking of how I could help all those little babies get food and it filled me with a sense of pride.

I was very surprised when my parents said I was allowed to walk along the sidewalk to collect from our neighbours and go down over the hill to their friend Todd's house. I was so unbelievably happy to be able to venture out on my own and so happy at all the good I was going to do. I went to the first few houses and cleaned out all my neighbour's change and even got a few bills thrown in for good measure. Then it all went horribly wrong when I got to Todd's house.

I walked down the driveway to the front step of the house. I went up and I knocked on the door and I heard a dog barking. I waited a few moments and nobody came to the door so I knocked again. Again the dog barked and nobody answered the door. I turned around and noticed a little Pomeranian dog sitting there looking at me. He looked harmless enough. I turned and knocked on the door one more time and it took me likely 3 seconds to register the pain of the dog's teeth in my ass cheek. The dog was literally hanging off the ground by my ass. I screamed and swung around but I couldn't see the dog since he was still holding on and swung around with me. I shouted some choice obscenities most 7 year olds should not know and finally the dog let go and started barking at me. I threw the Unicef box at him and he started tearing it to shreds. I took off running home, blood soaking the ass of my jeans.

So let this be a lesson to you. If you help people out and pat yourself on the back too much for it, it'll bite you in the ass. Learn from my mistakes.

I think the dog's name was Chuckles or some shit like that. Fitting name indeed.

Adventures at Wallymart

It's been a while since I've posted an entry. It's hard when I've set such a high standard of blogging for myself and I have all these ideas. Unfortunately none of them really inspire me to write them in the way to do them the proper justice. Perhaps what I've expected all along is true and I am my own worst enemy. Ain't that a B. I will leave you with this 100% true story...

Many moons ago, in a place not too far away...

I am on an adventure in the wonderful place we call Walmart. I am taking my time going through the aisles in full bargain hunter mode. This is where my primal hunting mode kicks in the most, when I am hunting for deals in Walmart. My car needed an oil change so I pick up a 4 Liter jug of oil. As I am wandering around contemplating the joys of low prices I realize that I should be a good boyscout and pick up some prophylactics. I make a bee line over to the pharmacy and check out the 800 different varieties. After careful deliberation I make my choice and proceed to the elderly gentleman at the cash in the pharmacy. He is in my estimation at least 75 yrs old. I put my 4 liter jug of motor oil and my box of condoms on the counter and I can tell that this guy is a tiny bit perplexed over my purchases. I decide to throw a little light on the mystery and I ask "You can use oil-based lubricant with these right?". The look on his face was priceless, he was totally speechless and about 15 shades of red (none of them a particularly flattering shade). At this point I am a bit worried the guy may have a heart attack but he manages to mumble something I couldn't make out and I pay for the purchases with a totally straight face. I manage to make it around the corner of the pharmacy before breaking out into hysterical laughter. Just one of my crowning achievements in life. This happened at least 7 years ago and it still makes me laugh when I remember the guy's face. Hopefully as you imagine it, it makes you smile and laugh as well.

On another note, I saw Inglourious Basterds yesterday and it was a wicked movie. I loved it. Brad Pitt is absolutely hilarious. Go see it tonight if you can.

Maybe next time I will tell you my Unicef story. Stay tuned and stay thirsty my friends.

see "Village Idiot"

Some interesting thoughts about George Dubba-ya. Thanks Laura for sending this along, makes me laugh...

'Ah George. What would the world do without George Bush? Don’t we all feel a little better about our own idiocy because George Bush is SUCH an idiot? Whenever you’re feeling down, just type in George Bush to any search engine and a symphony of retarded train wreck sentences right from the horses mouth are at your disposal.

“I'm the master of low expectations.”
“I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating.”
“I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them.”
"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

He waved to stevie wonder...stevie wonder is blind.
He said the french dont even have a word for entrepreneur, entrepreneur is a french word.
He believes killing people might prevent death.
If you look up his name it says ‘see Village Idiot'
He went to school and tried to become a master locksmith but was too stupid and his dad paid off his teachers.
He inherited a record budget surplus and a strong economy, he masterfully turned that into massive deficits and economic recession. Bush was so obsessed with invading Iraq that he ignored warnings about al-Qaida and even after 9/11 he went ahead with his plans to attack Iraq instead of persuing Osama bin Laden
From some of his fans: "I voted for Bush, i meant to vote for satan, now we are doomed!"
"I tried to remove my George W Bush but it's hanging around like a bad case of herpes."'

Does this mean that Obama is now the cure for herpes? I guess everyone has their "stupid" days...I once wondered aloud why my birthday was never on a Friday the 13th (it's July 11th), maybe Bush just had a stupid 8 years.

COCKTAILS & DREAMS

Coughlin's Law: Anything else is always something better. Also known as the grass is always greener. The grass is not always greener, sometimes the other grass is dead and you're just an idiot. This has got to be the biggest reason why relationships fail. "Oh you don't like Grey's Anatomy?? You dick, I'll find someone who does!". The only problem is that the guy that likes Grey's Anatomy is a closet homosexual. Thanks for coming out, better luck next time.

Coughlin's Law: Bury the dead, they stink up the place. Live for the future, get over the past. Easier said than done but it will make life a lot easier if you can.

Coughlin's Law: It doesn't matter how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not. Self explanatory, men brag about how much they can drink and a woman likes a man that can hold his liquor and not act like a clown.

Coughlin's Law: When you see the color of their panties, you know you've got talent. Stick with me son and I'll make you a star. Not touching that one.

Coughlin's Law: Never show surprise, never lose your cool. Be ready for anything. Things are the most likely to happen when you least expect them. If you expect everything, then nothing happens. The exception to this is the lottery, never expect to win it. Every time I buy my $2 ticket I legitimately think I am going to win. I make plans for how I will spend my jackpot and I never win. I am quite certain this is because I have the plan in place. Unfortunately it is a habit now and I can't break it so learn from my mistake.

Coughlin's Law: Never tell tales about a woman. No matter how far away she is, she'll always hear you. So true. It may take the route of 10 different people and thousands of miles to get there, but it will get back to her. Never underestimate how diabolical a woman can be when exacting revenge. Hell hath no fury indeed. Do not tell your friends, and under no circumstances tell a stranger. If you absolutely need to do something with the knowledge write it on a piece of paper but then burn it immediately and crumple the ashes. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Coughlin's Law: The Luck is gone / the brain is shot / but the liquor we still got. Cheers!

WTF?

How in the hell am I supposed to order this? Hold the mayo? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little...

It needs to be mentioned that this is the same fast food chain that boasts "FLAME by BK® captures the essence of WHOPPER™ love in the form of a body spray. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat".

My question is this...is FLAME more irresistable to women or men? I know I like my woman to smell good with just a hint of flame-broiled meat. More than a hint and it is a bit gross...
There should be a warning at the bottom "Please take note that wearing BK Flame® has been shown to cause the BK Super Seven Incher to mysteriously appear".

BK where fire meets desire. At this point BK would be better off hiring GM's marketing team.

Speedos and bad bathing suits

I feel the need to write about this. It may never reach the people that need to read it but it will be posted regardless. There is never, ever a valid reason for wearing a speedo on a beach...I REPEAT NEVER. Oh but some of you will counter with the argument "what if he has some weird medical condition that may cause him to die if his balls are allowed to hang freely?", to which I reply wear your grape smugglers and wear a pair of board shorts over top. Everybody's happy. You say "I'm from Europe, that's how they wear them there" and I say "Well obviously you are not in Europe anymore, nobody wants to see your twig and giggleberries here, I don't care what is 'fashionable' in Germany. Our cars and food are different here as well".

The only time you are allowed to wear a speedo is if you are a professional swimmer or if you have signed an endorsement deal conditional upon you wearing one in public. In the second instance you should carry your signed contract with you at all times and be prepared to produce it as proof should you be harassed. Bottom line is I should be able to enjoy a day at the beach without seeing your balls. Thanks for your attention to this urgent matter. Why is it that most of the guys wearing the banana hammocks are obese? Is it a plea for help? Is it an attempt at reverse psychology (if I put my package right out there maybe people won't notice I'm fat...), it's not working.

In the case of the ladies I have come up with a simple rule. If your belly sticks out farther than your boobs, you qualify only for a one piece bathing suit. There are a few exceptions, the girls with the tiny ones and pregnant ladies. These are the only exceptions and all others are subject to ridicule and vomiting gestures. You may feel large and in charge but I do not need to see your huge gut or cavernous ass crack. It is great that you have so much confidence, but have some modesty as well please. That is all I ask. Adhering to these general guidelines may indeed help achieve world peace as well as happier, less nauseating beach days.

UFC fighters wear tight shorts sometimes too but this is more acceptable since their opponent at least has the opportunity to punch them in the face without repercussions.

You stay classy Sandbanks.

Randoms

Where to start, where to start? Hmmm...Brett Favre please stay retired...Michael Vick stay away from the SPCA...Terrell Owens don't go away mad, just go away...Vince Young get your shit together, it looks like the Hall of Fame may lose your cell number...Albert Pujols keep rolling...David Ortiz find better, undetectable steroids...Michael Jackson come back to life, I heard way less about you when you were alive...VW make better cars or at least stand behind the shit ones you make...Red Light Camera please do not take my pic on August 11, 2009...Gas Prices go back down...453 days until my lease is up, too early to start the countdown? Perhaps...Memories, comforting and maddening depending on the day...my iPhone makes me somewhat happy...Bungee Jumping makes it alright...If in doubt, ask the magic 8-ball (it knows what's up)...Psychic Nikki predicts that scientists will find mermaids soon...a good kiss can jumpstart a relationship, a bad kiss can alter a life...new brakes can sometimes sound remarkably like old brakes...your memory is getting longer, but your life is getting shorter...sometimes it is just way more fun being bad...right now you should likely be doing something more constructive than reading this...if you think you can't, you likely won't...beer will very seldom, if ever, let you down...sometimes you need to be on your face to see a new way...90% of the time I'd rather be in Vegas...

Deep Thoughts

Ever get the feeling the universe is against you? Like no matter what you do you are destined to live the same life? Some people believe in fate while others think that things happen to push you in certain directions and nudge you along the way. I'm not sure what I believe in but it seems like a lot of random occurrences happen to me and I can't quite decipher why or what direction it is pushing me. Maybe I will figure it out and "put it all together", maybe I will toil in my own mediocrity for a while longer. At least I am not longer starving today. Thank you McD's, I'm lovin it.

"When all is said and done, a lot more is said than done."