Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Tale of the Hoodie Thief

It's been a while. What can I say? Time flies when you're doing nothing constructive. Line up for a refund at the door and kick your own ass on the way out.

I'm back and I can't promise frequent postings. You will always get your money's worth in the universe. Gather around the campfire kiddies, Dickie has got a story to tell.

This story actually took place almost exactly two years ago. You're likely wondering why it took so long for me to write about it and the answer would be simple. I was worried the subject of the story would hunt me down and kill me. Is that a bit paranoid? Perhaps, but my concerns are justified in my mind. So here we go, the "Tale of the Hoodie Thief", if I suddenly go missing then assume the girl reads my blog and contact your local authorities. Thanks in advance.

I've met a few women through the friend-of-a-friend method. It always goes something like this: "I've got someone who would be perfect for you!" and a meeting is grudgingly agreed to by me. This girl was a former collegiate athlete, broke up with a guy she had been dating for about a year a month ago and was really outgoing according to the description I was given. She was given my number and we had a few conversations over the phone. She seemed like a pretty cool chick and we had a lot in common.

It happened that my co-ed softball team needed an extra girl for a game and she was the only option I could think of so I invited her to come out and play. We played softball and flirted a bit during the game then we went to eat with my friends afterward. The next day we had an actual date and went to Dave and Busters for some games. It quickly became obvious that we both had a very competitive nature and things went quite well.

We saw each other a few times the next few weeks and I invited her to my work Christmas party. I just saw it as an opportunity to drink and have fun with my co-workers but she apparently took it as an opportunity to try to help me get a promotion. She proceeded to chat up all of my bosses and put in a good word for me with anyone that would listen. Then we crashed an Asian wedding in the next hall over and I fit in very well being 6'5. We had fun, but something just didn't ever really feel right about her. I kept seeing her though.

One night we were going to pick up some takeout and she decided she wanted wine. We went to the liquor store and she grabbed a bottle of $20 wine. I paid for it. Then we went to the take out place and I gave her $20 to cover my half of the $35 bill for the food. When we got in the car she said she was upset about something and I asked her what that was.

Her: "I...I...I just don't know why you didn't pay for dinner...that was rude"
Me: "What? What do you mean?"
Her: "I wanted to pay for the wine and I wanted you to pay for dinner, but then you only paid for half of dinner, that was really rude"
Me: "If you will calmly take a step back from being a bit of a retard for a second I think you will see that I did essentially pay for your meal since I bought the wine and gave you more than half of what the meal cost. In essence I paid for more than I should have in overall costs based on your ideal"
Her: "It's the principle of it! It's the gentlemanly thing to do to pay for dinner"
Me: "OK crazy person, maybe you will be eating dinner on the side of the road once your time machine returns from 1965"

I could see her point of view, but I am also a rational person that can see the big picture at most times. This was not something I deemed worthy of fighting over and how emotional she was getting over it was a little scary.

One other Friday night I went on a pub crawl with some of my friends. We pre-drank and I went at it a bit overzealous, resulting in a bit of a drunken evening. She decided she was going to meet up with me at some point in the pub crawl and the next thing I knew she was at the pub with us. She had brought a friend with her to meet me. She hung out with us for a bit and then decided she was tired and wanted to leave. She asked me if I was going to leave with her to take her home and I just said "No thanks". She then took me aside and tried to convince me to leave, but I was having a good time so I said no. I didn't invite her, she just decided to show up and I didn't feel responsible for her since she got herself there. At the end of it I just said "This is a festive occasion! If you don't feel festive you should make sure to go home. I, on the other hand, still feel very festive".

After that particular episode it was becoming increasingly obvious that I was not the guy for her. The icing on the cake was the following weekend when she asked what I was doing and I told her I had movie plans with my buddy Joe. She said she had a friend that was meeting a guy online and she had to go along for the first while to make sure everything was ok. She then asked if she could meet up with us to go to the movies. I said sure and we were going to the early showing. I told her to be at Joe's place by 6pm if she wanted to go.

6:01pm - she called me and said that her friend had met the guy but the guy went to the bathroom and never came back. She pleaded with me to wait and go to the later showing so she could come along with us. I told her to be at Joe's by 8pm.

8:30pm -  she called me drunk and slurring saying that she was still at the bar consoling her friend. I informed her that we no longer had the movie plans thanks to her ruining the chance we had to go. She laughed and said it was going to be a bad movie anyways. Then she hung up. She called back and said she would cab over by 10pm. At this point I was not impressed in the least.

12am -  I received another drunken phone call saying she was leaving the bar in the next 15 minutes and she asked for the address. I told her not to bother. She insisted and I reluctantly gave her the address.

1am - another drunken phone call from the cab where she needed me to give the address to the cab driver. As you can imagine there was a slight language barrier and I was beyond pissed at this point.

1:30am - Drunken phone call from this mentally challenged person who apparently got dropped off at another house other than the address I had given her multiple times. She was on the correct street at least. I told her the house number yet again. She walked for 5 minutes and called me back. I asked her what house number she was at and she replied with a house number greater than the one she was at before. I advised her to walk in the other direction. 5 minutes later she called back and said she was lost. I asked her what house number she was currently at and she told me a number that was yet again higher than the previous number. At this point she demanded I "get off the fucking couch" and come pick her up. This did not go over well and I admittedly snapped a bit. I just calmly told her to stay where she was and I would come get her.

I drove about 3 blocks and found her sitting down on the ground at an intersection. She jumped in the car and tried to kiss me, I told her there was no chance of that happening and to consider herself lucky she was getting a drive and not taking a cab home. She then told me that she planned to jump me when we got back to my place and I quickly advised her there was zero chance of that happening. I explained there was no way that I was going to reward her for her behavior and reinforce her acting like a retard.

When we got back to my place she literally lunged at me and I told her yet again to back off. I literally had to restrain her. We then had the following exchange:

Her: "I think I love you"
Me: "No you don't"
Her: "No, I REALLY think I do"
Me: "No you DON'T"
Her: "How do you know?"
Me: "Well if you must know, this is recently got out of a relationship and you likely loved that guy. You now probably like me, maybe a lot, but you are obviously transferring your old feelings for him onto me"

It was then about 2:30am and she made one final lunge to attack me. While I fought her off her cell phone rang.
Me: "Oh isn't that the icing on the cake. You're acting like a total fucking retard AND you're getting a booty call. Lovely"

I then took my pillow and went to sleep on the couch. I told her if she left my room it would directly to get into a cab.

The next morning she apologized and tried to make things right. She then said: "You remember...ummm....what I told you last night?? I meant it" and I simply replied "No you didn't".

Somehow that miraculously wasn't the end of our time together since I am obviously a complete idiot. She came over one night directly from work and asked if she could use my shower. I said sure and then she went into my room to get dressed. When she emerged she was wearing her coat and had it fully buttoned up and was getting ready to leave. I said goodbye and didn't think much of it. A few days later I went into my closet to find my favorite hoodie and I couldn't find it. My place is not very big so the options of where it could be were very limited. The next time I talked to her I asked her if she had seen it and she replied that she wore it home that night. I asked her what the hell she did that for and to never go into my closet again without asking permission. She said she didn't think I'd mind and that she would give it back to me the next time she saw me.

She then went on a two week vacation to Europe over the Christmas holidays. When she got back we saw each other and even after I reminded her numerous times to bring my hoodie, she conveniently forgot it. We then had the following memorable exchange:
Her: "You know while I was away I had a lot of time to reflect on my life, to figure out my priorities and what is important to me. I REALLY want to get married and have kids, fairly soon. Mike, what are your thoughts on this?"
Me: "I didn't go on vacation and have had no such revelations. I can't believe you forgot my hoodie..."

Things quickly spiraled downward from there after I asked her numerous times for my hoodie back and she kept forgetting or making up excuses for why I couldn't have it. Finally I just begrudgingly chalked up the loss of the hoodie as a casualty of a truly weird pseudo-relationship. End of the story right? WRONG.

About a year went by and she made suddenly made contact right out of the blue. She said that she felt really bad about how things went and she wanted to get together to apologize for the way she acted. After numerous requests, I finally agreed that she could stop by my place for a bit as long as she:
A) brought my hoodie
B) agreed to not steal anything else

She showed up at my place and it quickly became evident that she did not comply with section A) of the agreement above. She sat down and took off her glasses (she usually wore contacts but wore glasses that night for some reason). I tolerated about 20 minutes of talking before I basically kicked her out for forgetting my hoodie. To my surprise and delight she had forgotten her glasses on the table! Woohoo! Can we say Bargaining Chip bitches?!?! Finally I thought I had some leverage for getting my hoodie back.

She quickly made contact the next day to tell me how important it was that she get her glasses back since they were brand new. I was almost giggling with delight to hear how bad she wanted them back. I tried to set a meet up time a few different times and she kept cancelling. Finally she made me agree to put the glasses in the mailbox at my place and she would swing by during the day and drop off my hoodie. This seemed really sketchy, but at this point I just wanted to be done with this girl forever and to cut all ties so I just agreed to it. The day that she was supposed to swing by she surprisingly did not and I have not heard from her since. That was over a year ago as well and I still have her glasses and she still has my hoodie. I hate to hold a grudge but I hope she sleeps in it and it suffocates her crazy ass. Who steals a hoodie from someone's closet??? Who does that? Well I know who does it, now excuse me while I go home and smash those fucking glasses.

Merry Christmas All!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Just the Tip #1

Here we are with the first installment of "Just the Tip". Are you as excited as I am? We can only hope so.

I often hear people say "Chivalry is dead". Based on what I have seen lately I would agree to some extent. I don't know how many times lately I have seen the same sight outside of a grocery store:

Rather large man walking to the car empty handed while his wife/sister/friend/girlfriend walks about 5 feet behind him struggling to carry tons of groceries. I cannot comprehend this. As a man if you allow this to happen someone should punch you right in the face and tell you to get you head out of your ass.

So there is your "Just the Tip" - Men carry the stupid freaking groceries you lazy assholes.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A New and Exciting Addition to the Universe

I just had an idea of how to increase my blog post frequency without it resulting in me writing 10,000 words to tell a story. So look for an exciting new feature called "Just the Tip!" coming soon...stay tuned

Friday, April 29, 2011


I apologize for being so long between blog posts, but what can I say? Life gets in the way sometimes. No real premise to this post, just more random thoughts for your perusal.

1. I would not care about the royal wedding if it was taking place next door. If you woke up at 5am this morning to watch it, you should really re-evaluate your life.

2. Why does it seem that in every single election I can remember I have never liked ANYONE?? My favourite quote about the election "I always vote liberal. My family are liberal through and through". Makes me laugh.

3. A good smoothie can flat out turn around your day.

4. Do relationships have best-before dates nowadays? After a certain time period is your relationship equivalent to a loaf of bread? Get rid of it or it will stink up the joint? I may write an entire blog about this at some point.

5. Why do people tend to drive slower in rain than in snow? Traffic goes at 60km/h when it rains but at 110km/h in a snowstorm. Baffles me.

As always I welcome your comments and suggestions, but I reserve the right to ignore you or make fun of you. Enjoy the rest of your royal wedding day.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Vegas Recap

I know you've all been waiting with baited breath to hear all about my fantastic Vegas adventures. What happens in Vegas, doesn't always stay in Vegas. This is especially true since none of us committed any crimes or had to bury anyone. I will do my best to recreate the experience here for your reading enjoyment.

3 of us flew out of Toronto at 8:30pm local time, putting touchdown in Vegas at 2:40am our time. We checked into the hotel (the Imperial Palace). Shawn put $20 into the slot machine and went all the way down to $2 before skyrocketing up to $35 (I only mention this because it seemed to be a familiar trend to Shawn while we were there) and it seemed a good omen for the trip. We then met up with the rest of the crew (7 of us in all) and started walking up the strip looking for a liquor store. It's always a great idea to start drinking at 3am in the morning, it's Vegas! After much walking and late-night sightseeing we found a bar that boasted $2 Margaritas, $2 draft and $2 tacos. What the hell else do you need? Especially at 6:30am. Answer - NOTHING except maybe the $7 pitchers of beer they also had. An older asian lady came over to the table to serve us. She took my order first and I said "a pitcher of beer" and she asked how many glasses. I replied with a completely straight face "Just one". She gave me a look like I had 3 heads but surely I could not have been the first person to order a pitcher of beer all for himself. I prefer to go off the beaten path and having 3 older brothers growing up has hampered my willingness to share. Anytime you can do $7 pitchers at 7am with 7 people you have to do it. No I am not an alcoholic, but thanks for your concern. That pretty much did it for the first night. When we got back to the hotel there were three of us guys staying in one room with 2 double beds. Sleeping arrangements were worrisome. That is until we did a covert mattress heist of the spare bed from the next room where Joe and Jana were conveniently staying. Problem solved. Everyone can sleep soundly without fear of being spooned.

The beauty of Vegas is partially due to the time difference, 3 hours behind Eastern time. This allows you to sleep in most of the day and essentially miss nothing at all. This happened a lot. In the next few days we walked down the strip and hit a place boasting $1 Blackjack, $1 shots and $1 beers. I had a brilliant plan of us throwing in $100 and getting 100 shots, but unfortunately the $1 shots were not to be had. We drank a ton of $1 beers instead, when life gives us lemons we make lemonade dammit! The party train cannot be derailed in Vegas. We then proceeded to Old Vegas. I had never been there at night and I must say it is something to see with all the lights and the general debauchery. We lucked into finding a zip-lining spot that let us zip-line most of the way through the Old Vegas strip. There are huge light shows that take place on the roof at night and it is quite amazing to fly down over top of the pedestrians while the crazy lights are going overhead. It helps to be a little intoxicated as well. From there we hit some random casino for food and then to Mermaids for the football drinks. We were so excited for these from the last time we were there, but sadly they no longer did the free pour of the booze. All great things do come to an end. It was pre-made into a slushie and was a bit tame, way too sweet. Still a great place to hit and cross off the to-do list.

Oh the food we ate, I can't accurately describe it in a limited space. Vegas is the epitome of overindulgence so it stands to reason you don't halfass the food aspect. The Aria buffet (very good by the way), KGB (excellent gourmet burgers), Ellis Island ($7 steak special that includes not only a great steak, but also a starter salad or soup, and a pint of their brewed-on-site beer, phenomenal). There was one particular breakfast place we had on the to-do list before we even left. The place is called Hash House A Go Go and it was said to be amazing and definitely worth checking out. There were a few places we went to that kicked my ass and this place was one of them. I can eat, a lot. Sometimes I surprise myself by how much food I can put away. Let's just say I was no match for this place. We were a group of 4 large guys so I thought we'd run through whatever they put in front of us. WRONG. This place kicked all our asses. I ordered a "Hand Hammered Pork Tenderloin". Prices were a little on the high side, but what was placed in front of me was more than 2 normal people could ever eat. I have attached a picture and the picture does not even do it justice. I ate about 3/4 of it and thought I may die. If you're ever in Vegas check it out, it will make you gasp in a pleasant way.

Now let's move on to the drinking. There was much. It would be almost impossible to be in Vegas and not drink excessively. We went to one club called Voodoo that offers an amazing view of the Strip as well as one of the craziest drinks I have ever experienced. It's an amazing concoction with the appropriate name of the Witch Doctor. It is a huge goblet filled with dry ice and 4 different kinds of alcohol. The result is a bubbling, smoking, violent red mixture. Quite something to behold and we had 2-for-1 COUPS! That's how we roll.

The other spot that kicked my ass was a bar named Blondies Sports Bar. We were walking down the strip checking out the casinos when we realized it was after 4pm and we had not had one single drink yet. How did this happen?? We went to this sports bar at 4:45 and quickly discovered that there was an "all-you-can-drink 3-6pm for $20" promotion happening. Doing the quick math, it came down to can you drink your money's worth in 75 minutes? It's a challenge we couldn't wait to accept. 4 of us walked up to the bar and ordered 4 mixed drinks (you could only get yourself one at a time). My weapon of choice? Rum and coke. Looking back on it, that was poor planning on my part since rum usually knocks me on my ass. We drank the first drink in 5 seconds while standing at the bar and got another. I think you can see where this is going. Throw a fairly hot, very attentive bartender into the mix and my fate was sealed. I drank at least 10 rum and cokes in 75 minutes. After leaving that fine establishment, Shawn and I decided it was a good idea to share a pitcher of beer and a eat a few $2 tacos. There's nothing like throwing gasoline on a fire. I don't remember too much more of that night, but sadly for the best I pulled the plug and was in bed at 8:30pm fully clothed. That is one of the things I have learned in my life, sometimes it is just better to pull the plug when it is almost certain bad things will happen otherwise. That is maturity bitches! Or a weak showing, but I'll call it maturity.

Overall a great trip and great times with some great people. What's not to like about that? No hangovers or sicknesses to report at all. Until next time, keep winning.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Swimming with the Dirty Mermaid

As I have previously blogged, Dickie and crew are heading on an epic Vegas trip tomorrow evening. It will be insane if it is half as much fun as we believe it can potentially be. As "The JLS" said today "this trip will revolutionalize life!". It definitely has that sort of potential.

One of the places high on the list of things to do/places to go is a casino in old Vegas called "Mermaids". Last time we were there wild times were had by all. What is the reason for hitting up Mermaids you ask? Think of life size plastic football. Now think of this football filled with alcohol. The waitress asked us if we wanted our drinks "strong" or "extra strong". Being manly men we almost all decided on "extra strong", except for the babies that got beer (totally inexcusable in my eyes). Here is what "extra strong" means - about 80% hard liquor, then maybe 10-15% mix. Cost of the football - $14. Please tip your server. Done. If you bring back the football, refills are like $8. I cannot overstate how much fun it is just to drink crazy strong drinks out of a football. Oh yes and this does not even talk about the deep fried monstrosities available at this place - deep fried Twinkies, deep fried Oreos, chocolate drizzled bananas, etc. Throw in a $6 prime rib dinner along the way and you're laughing, old Vegas sampled in all its glory.

Here are some quotes from actual customer reviews of the Mermaid. Enjoy.

-"The ultimate in cheap and drunken dining on Fremont.  Saying a place has "character" is just saying its a great hole in the wall.  And this place certainly has that!!  On that note...I would never eat here sober. "

- "Defintiely not for the faint of heart munchers but I say its worth trying at least once!"

- "Oh, Mermaid's Casino, how I'm fond of thee.With your ghetto style little casino with your overly strong drinks that cross between consumable and something similar to Windex..."

- "At least they gave me a shiny string of Mardi Gras beads to wear to my funeral when I suffer from a Mermaid's-induced sweet, cakey, creamy heart attack."

- "The crowd is A+, too.  Last time I was there, I was next to a lady who was probably celebrating her latest welfare check from a nearby trailer park, and she was going on and on about how I was on the lucky machine, because she won a whole whoppin $60 on it a couple weeks ago!!!  Now you just don't get that kind off high-roller glam at the Bellagio or Aria!"

- "Drinks are insanely strong. And they have no problem with two at a time. The old fashioned slot machines are awesome-nothing beats winning five dollars in nickels. "

- "I've never gambled here-- I only come to enjoy their fine culinary delecacies: chili cheese dogs, chili chese fries, and deep fried Oreos (MUCH better than deep fried Twinkies). Wash it all down with a football of pina colada or PBR, and you've got yourself a meal. Make sure you go into the main entrance so you can get free mardi gras beads and a ticket to some random raffle that no one ever wins."

- "Wanna get drunk as a skunk under 5 bucks?? Just sit at a machine over here and play pennies while cocktail waitresses bring you drinks incessantly. The moment you walk in they take your order. I suggest the "Adios Motherf*ucker". You'll thank me later."

- "Mermaid's is SO much fun! Where else can you get beads from drag queens as you walk in, yards of crazy flavored slushy alcohol, Nathan's hot dogs for a buck, and shots for $2? NOWHERE! "

- "Mermaids is a freaking gong show! I don't do drugs, but I sure felt like I was on them!"

- "One of the mermaids out front ran over to grab a nearby guy in a wheelchair, yelling "Free spin! Free spin!" as they whirled round and round :-D  Yes, if you spent too long in here, between the pea-soup smoke, cheap booze and deep-fried delights in back, you could shave a few weeks off your life (and still have change from your 20). But this place makes me smile even to think about it."

I just hope to survive it, wish me luck.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Viva Las Bring Me Back Alive

If you want to get out alive
Hold on run for your life

If you want to get out alive
Hold on run for your life

This may very well be my final blog post ever. It is very possible. One week from today, Dickie and crew will be embarking on an epic adventure to Las Vegas. The crew consists of 7 other people, and the trip is in honour of the one and only Joe Long Show's 30th birthday. Guns will be shot, tigers may be found, strippers will be avoided and buffets will be destroyed. Hopefully I make it back alive. Last time I was there it was during my own birthday a few years ago and there are many things I don't remember much at all. This time around I am older and wiser, but will it make a difference?? Stay tuned.