Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Tale of the Hoodie Thief

It's been a while. What can I say? Time flies when you're doing nothing constructive. Line up for a refund at the door and kick your own ass on the way out.

I'm back and I can't promise frequent postings. You will always get your money's worth in the universe. Gather around the campfire kiddies, Dickie has got a story to tell.

This story actually took place almost exactly two years ago. You're likely wondering why it took so long for me to write about it and the answer would be simple. I was worried the subject of the story would hunt me down and kill me. Is that a bit paranoid? Perhaps, but my concerns are justified in my mind. So here we go, the "Tale of the Hoodie Thief", if I suddenly go missing then assume the girl reads my blog and contact your local authorities. Thanks in advance.

I've met a few women through the friend-of-a-friend method. It always goes something like this: "I've got someone who would be perfect for you!" and a meeting is grudgingly agreed to by me. This girl was a former collegiate athlete, broke up with a guy she had been dating for about a year a month ago and was really outgoing according to the description I was given. She was given my number and we had a few conversations over the phone. She seemed like a pretty cool chick and we had a lot in common.

It happened that my co-ed softball team needed an extra girl for a game and she was the only option I could think of so I invited her to come out and play. We played softball and flirted a bit during the game then we went to eat with my friends afterward. The next day we had an actual date and went to Dave and Busters for some games. It quickly became obvious that we both had a very competitive nature and things went quite well.

We saw each other a few times the next few weeks and I invited her to my work Christmas party. I just saw it as an opportunity to drink and have fun with my co-workers but she apparently took it as an opportunity to try to help me get a promotion. She proceeded to chat up all of my bosses and put in a good word for me with anyone that would listen. Then we crashed an Asian wedding in the next hall over and I fit in very well being 6'5. We had fun, but something just didn't ever really feel right about her. I kept seeing her though.

One night we were going to pick up some takeout and she decided she wanted wine. We went to the liquor store and she grabbed a bottle of $20 wine. I paid for it. Then we went to the take out place and I gave her $20 to cover my half of the $35 bill for the food. When we got in the car she said she was upset about something and I asked her what that was.

Her: "I...I...I just don't know why you didn't pay for dinner...that was rude"
Me: "What? What do you mean?"
Her: "I wanted to pay for the wine and I wanted you to pay for dinner, but then you only paid for half of dinner, that was really rude"
Me: "If you will calmly take a step back from being a bit of a retard for a second I think you will see that I did essentially pay for your meal since I bought the wine and gave you more than half of what the meal cost. In essence I paid for more than I should have in overall costs based on your ideal"
Her: "It's the principle of it! It's the gentlemanly thing to do to pay for dinner"
Me: "OK crazy person, maybe you will be eating dinner on the side of the road once your time machine returns from 1965"

I could see her point of view, but I am also a rational person that can see the big picture at most times. This was not something I deemed worthy of fighting over and how emotional she was getting over it was a little scary.

One other Friday night I went on a pub crawl with some of my friends. We pre-drank and I went at it a bit overzealous, resulting in a bit of a drunken evening. She decided she was going to meet up with me at some point in the pub crawl and the next thing I knew she was at the pub with us. She had brought a friend with her to meet me. She hung out with us for a bit and then decided she was tired and wanted to leave. She asked me if I was going to leave with her to take her home and I just said "No thanks". She then took me aside and tried to convince me to leave, but I was having a good time so I said no. I didn't invite her, she just decided to show up and I didn't feel responsible for her since she got herself there. At the end of it I just said "This is a festive occasion! If you don't feel festive you should make sure to go home. I, on the other hand, still feel very festive".

After that particular episode it was becoming increasingly obvious that I was not the guy for her. The icing on the cake was the following weekend when she asked what I was doing and I told her I had movie plans with my buddy Joe. She said she had a friend that was meeting a guy online and she had to go along for the first while to make sure everything was ok. She then asked if she could meet up with us to go to the movies. I said sure and we were going to the early showing. I told her to be at Joe's place by 6pm if she wanted to go.

6:01pm - she called me and said that her friend had met the guy but the guy went to the bathroom and never came back. She pleaded with me to wait and go to the later showing so she could come along with us. I told her to be at Joe's by 8pm.

8:30pm -  she called me drunk and slurring saying that she was still at the bar consoling her friend. I informed her that we no longer had the movie plans thanks to her ruining the chance we had to go. She laughed and said it was going to be a bad movie anyways. Then she hung up. She called back and said she would cab over by 10pm. At this point I was not impressed in the least.

12am -  I received another drunken phone call saying she was leaving the bar in the next 15 minutes and she asked for the address. I told her not to bother. She insisted and I reluctantly gave her the address.

1am - another drunken phone call from the cab where she needed me to give the address to the cab driver. As you can imagine there was a slight language barrier and I was beyond pissed at this point.

1:30am - Drunken phone call from this mentally challenged person who apparently got dropped off at another house other than the address I had given her multiple times. She was on the correct street at least. I told her the house number yet again. She walked for 5 minutes and called me back. I asked her what house number she was at and she replied with a house number greater than the one she was at before. I advised her to walk in the other direction. 5 minutes later she called back and said she was lost. I asked her what house number she was currently at and she told me a number that was yet again higher than the previous number. At this point she demanded I "get off the fucking couch" and come pick her up. This did not go over well and I admittedly snapped a bit. I just calmly told her to stay where she was and I would come get her.

I drove about 3 blocks and found her sitting down on the ground at an intersection. She jumped in the car and tried to kiss me, I told her there was no chance of that happening and to consider herself lucky she was getting a drive and not taking a cab home. She then told me that she planned to jump me when we got back to my place and I quickly advised her there was zero chance of that happening. I explained there was no way that I was going to reward her for her behavior and reinforce her acting like a retard.

When we got back to my place she literally lunged at me and I told her yet again to back off. I literally had to restrain her. We then had the following exchange:

Her: "I think I love you"
Me: "No you don't"
Her: "No, I REALLY think I do"
Me: "No you DON'T"
Her: "How do you know?"
Me: "Well if you must know, this is recently got out of a relationship and you likely loved that guy. You now probably like me, maybe a lot, but you are obviously transferring your old feelings for him onto me"

It was then about 2:30am and she made one final lunge to attack me. While I fought her off her cell phone rang.
Me: "Oh isn't that the icing on the cake. You're acting like a total fucking retard AND you're getting a booty call. Lovely"

I then took my pillow and went to sleep on the couch. I told her if she left my room it would directly to get into a cab.

The next morning she apologized and tried to make things right. She then said: "You remember...ummm....what I told you last night?? I meant it" and I simply replied "No you didn't".

Somehow that miraculously wasn't the end of our time together since I am obviously a complete idiot. She came over one night directly from work and asked if she could use my shower. I said sure and then she went into my room to get dressed. When she emerged she was wearing her coat and had it fully buttoned up and was getting ready to leave. I said goodbye and didn't think much of it. A few days later I went into my closet to find my favorite hoodie and I couldn't find it. My place is not very big so the options of where it could be were very limited. The next time I talked to her I asked her if she had seen it and she replied that she wore it home that night. I asked her what the hell she did that for and to never go into my closet again without asking permission. She said she didn't think I'd mind and that she would give it back to me the next time she saw me.

She then went on a two week vacation to Europe over the Christmas holidays. When she got back we saw each other and even after I reminded her numerous times to bring my hoodie, she conveniently forgot it. We then had the following memorable exchange:
Her: "You know while I was away I had a lot of time to reflect on my life, to figure out my priorities and what is important to me. I REALLY want to get married and have kids, fairly soon. Mike, what are your thoughts on this?"
Me: "I didn't go on vacation and have had no such revelations. I can't believe you forgot my hoodie..."

Things quickly spiraled downward from there after I asked her numerous times for my hoodie back and she kept forgetting or making up excuses for why I couldn't have it. Finally I just begrudgingly chalked up the loss of the hoodie as a casualty of a truly weird pseudo-relationship. End of the story right? WRONG.

About a year went by and she made suddenly made contact right out of the blue. She said that she felt really bad about how things went and she wanted to get together to apologize for the way she acted. After numerous requests, I finally agreed that she could stop by my place for a bit as long as she:
A) brought my hoodie
B) agreed to not steal anything else

She showed up at my place and it quickly became evident that she did not comply with section A) of the agreement above. She sat down and took off her glasses (she usually wore contacts but wore glasses that night for some reason). I tolerated about 20 minutes of talking before I basically kicked her out for forgetting my hoodie. To my surprise and delight she had forgotten her glasses on the table! Woohoo! Can we say Bargaining Chip bitches?!?! Finally I thought I had some leverage for getting my hoodie back.

She quickly made contact the next day to tell me how important it was that she get her glasses back since they were brand new. I was almost giggling with delight to hear how bad she wanted them back. I tried to set a meet up time a few different times and she kept cancelling. Finally she made me agree to put the glasses in the mailbox at my place and she would swing by during the day and drop off my hoodie. This seemed really sketchy, but at this point I just wanted to be done with this girl forever and to cut all ties so I just agreed to it. The day that she was supposed to swing by she surprisingly did not and I have not heard from her since. That was over a year ago as well and I still have her glasses and she still has my hoodie. I hate to hold a grudge but I hope she sleeps in it and it suffocates her crazy ass. Who steals a hoodie from someone's closet??? Who does that? Well I know who does it, now excuse me while I go home and smash those fucking glasses.

Merry Christmas All!

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