Ramblings from a man in a basement with or without a pet chicken...with your help I'll get that chicken
Friday, August 28, 2009
Information Superhighway to Hell
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I'm all alone, pick up the phone...
Monday, August 24, 2009
Unicef
I was very surprised when my parents said I was allowed to walk along the sidewalk to collect from our neighbours and go down over the hill to their friend Todd's house. I was so unbelievably happy to be able to venture out on my own and so happy at all the good I was going to do. I went to the first few houses and cleaned out all my neighbour's change and even got a few bills thrown in for good measure. Then it all went horribly wrong when I got to Todd's house.
I walked down the driveway to the front step of the house. I went up and I knocked on the door and I heard a dog barking. I waited a few moments and nobody came to the door so I knocked again. Again the dog barked and nobody answered the door. I turned around and noticed a little Pomeranian dog sitting there looking at me. He looked harmless enough. I turned and knocked on the door one more time and it took me likely 3 seconds to register the pain of the dog's teeth in my ass cheek. The dog was literally hanging off the ground by my ass. I screamed and swung around but I couldn't see the dog since he was still holding on and swung around with me. I shouted some choice obscenities most 7 year olds should not know and finally the dog let go and started barking at me. I threw the Unicef box at him and he started tearing it to shreds. I took off running home, blood soaking the ass of my jeans.
So let this be a lesson to you. If you help people out and pat yourself on the back too much for it, it'll bite you in the ass. Learn from my mistakes.
I think the dog's name was Chuckles or some shit like that. Fitting name indeed.Adventures at Wallymart
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
see "Village Idiot"
“I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating.”
“I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them.”
"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
He said the french dont even have a word for entrepreneur, entrepreneur is a french word.
He believes killing people might prevent death.
If you look up his name it says ‘see Village Idiot'
He went to school and tried to become a master locksmith but was too stupid and his dad paid off his teachers.
He inherited a record budget surplus and a strong economy, he masterfully turned that into massive deficits and economic recession. Bush was so obsessed with invading Iraq that he ignored warnings about al-Qaida and even after 9/11 he went ahead with his plans to attack Iraq instead of persuing Osama bin Laden
From some of his fans: "I voted for Bush, i meant to vote for satan, now we are doomed!"
"I tried to remove my George W Bush but it's hanging around like a bad case of herpes."'
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
COCKTAILS & DREAMS
Coughlin's Law: Bury the dead, they stink up the place. Live for the future, get over the past. Easier said than done but it will make life a lot easier if you can.
Coughlin's Law: It doesn't matter how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not. Self explanatory, men brag about how much they can drink and a woman likes a man that can hold his liquor and not act like a clown.
Coughlin's Law: When you see the color of their panties, you know you've got talent. Stick with me son and I'll make you a star. Not touching that one.
Coughlin's Law: Never show surprise, never lose your cool. Be ready for anything. Things are the most likely to happen when you least expect them. If you expect everything, then nothing happens. The exception to this is the lottery, never expect to win it. Every time I buy my $2 ticket I legitimately think I am going to win. I make plans for how I will spend my jackpot and I never win. I am quite certain this is because I have the plan in place. Unfortunately it is a habit now and I can't break it so learn from my mistake.
Coughlin's Law: Never tell tales about a woman. No matter how far away she is, she'll always hear you. So true. It may take the route of 10 different people and thousands of miles to get there, but it will get back to her. Never underestimate how diabolical a woman can be when exacting revenge. Hell hath no fury indeed. Do not tell your friends, and under no circumstances tell a stranger. If you absolutely need to do something with the knowledge write it on a piece of paper but then burn it immediately and crumple the ashes. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Coughlin's Law: The Luck is gone / the brain is shot / but the liquor we still got. Cheers!
Monday, August 17, 2009
WTF?
It needs to be mentioned that this is the same fast food chain that boasts "FLAME by BK® captures the essence of WHOPPER™ love in the form of a body spray. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat".
My question is this...is FLAME more irresistable to women or men? I know I like my woman to smell good with just a hint of flame-broiled meat. More than a hint and it is a bit gross...
There should be a warning at the bottom "Please take note that wearing BK Flame® has been shown to cause the BK Super Seven Incher to mysteriously appear".
BK where fire meets desire. At this point BK would be better off hiring GM's marketing team.
Speedos and bad bathing suits
The only time you are allowed to wear a speedo is if you are a professional swimmer or if you have signed an endorsement deal conditional upon you wearing one in public. In the second instance you should carry your signed contract with you at all times and be prepared to produce it as proof should you be harassed. Bottom line is I should be able to enjoy a day at the beach without seeing your balls. Thanks for your attention to this urgent matter. Why is it that most of the guys wearing the banana hammocks are obese? Is it a plea for help? Is it an attempt at reverse psychology (if I put my package right out there maybe people won't notice I'm fat...), it's not working.
In the case of the ladies I have come up with a simple rule. If your belly sticks out farther than your boobs, you qualify only for a one piece bathing suit. There are a few exceptions, the girls with the tiny ones and pregnant ladies. These are the only exceptions and all others are subject to ridicule and vomiting gestures. You may feel large and in charge but I do not need to see your huge gut or cavernous ass crack. It is great that you have so much confidence, but have some modesty as well please. That is all I ask. Adhering to these general guidelines may indeed help achieve world peace as well as happier, less nauseating beach days.
UFC fighters wear tight shorts sometimes too but this is more acceptable since their opponent at least has the opportunity to punch them in the face without repercussions.
You stay classy Sandbanks.