You Got Knocked the F*** Out!

This is one of the funniest videos I have seen in a long time. First off the woman seems to be a runner herself so she should know where the running takes place. I could somewhat understand if she was just a random person that looks like she didn't belong there. Prime example, I am a ball player, I know enough to not wander into the space between the pitcher and the catcher before a pitch...The best part is that it seems like someone is definitely yelling at her to warn her and that just further distracts her from what is coming. BOOM! Just imagine if that was Usain Bolt hitting her, and then he just stood over her and did his pose...Ahhh it depresses me cause I know it will never happen. The funny part is that he could have likely run her over and still won the race.

As always please consult your doctor if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours.

I don't know Karate, but I know Crazy...

Last night I was watching the latest episode of Californication (one of my favorite shows) and there was an awesome line, "I'm like flypaper for the emotionally disturbed". I started laughing - a lot. It immediately became my MSN name. The more I thought about it the more I realized just how much it pertains to me and the laughs subsided a bit. Within about 10 minutes 4 different girls on my contact list assumed the quote was legitimately about them. All of my long term relationships have been with girls that seemingly are a bit short of a full deck. They seem great at first but over time the cracks in the foundation become more and more evident. I've often wondered why I attract these types of women and how I can stop it. The trouble is that I am usually too caught up in things to notice the subtle signs from the start and next thing I know I am wondering how I let another one in. It's gotten to the point where my mom has given up trying to marry me off and instead says "Maybe you should just stay single for a while, I feel bad for ya". Yes you read that correctly, my mom has given up on me meeting a sane girl and instead tells me to stay single.

Of course I have to wonder if the girl is fine and perhaps it is me that causes the occasional drift from sanity? It is entirely possible. I can see how I might grate on someone after a while, but for the most part I am quite agreeable. So this cannot be the reason, I am pretty awesome really. I support sanity, I do not degrade it. Do I just have a magnet that the disturbed girls are attracted to? Perhaps I will never know.

I lived with a girlfriend in 2nd year university, as much for necessity as anything (we had separate rooms). She was going to university too and lasted about 2 weeks before she started missing classes and staying home to watch daytime TV. I would leave for school at 8am and she would still be in bed sleeping. I would come home around 4pm and she would be on the couch (usually still in her housecoat) watching some ridiculous talk show. Whatever, everyone is free to ruin their lives if they want to. I just knew I was paying for school and I was going to get through it. I had tons of midterms and whenever I tried to study for them she would want to lay right on me and I found it very disturbing and hard to study. One midterm I was especially worried about and stressing about so I told her I was going to study in my room. She got very upset about this. I went into my room and sure enough, 15 minutes later my door opens and in she comes. I inform her that I am focused on studying and I need time alone. She does not want to leave my room. I politely ask her to give me some time to study as I can't afford to do poorly on the midterm. She starts crying and slams my door. I have no idea what is going on but I have to study. 30 minutes go by and again she comes in. I tell her I still have to study. Again she leaves and slams the door. I lock my door. 30 minutes later I hear scratching noises at my door and I can't think of what it could possibly be. Meanwhile my other roomate and my buddy from upstairs are watching TV on the couch in the living room watching this all take place. She is actually outside my door with a butterknife trying to pick my lock. Needless to say the relationship did not last long after that and she got kicked out of school.

A little while after that I was out at a club with my friends and met a girl. She was attractive and seemed fairly nice. We exchanged numbers and went out once. I got a bit of a weird vibe from her so we only hung out once (she wondered aloud what color our children's eyes would be and if we would keep living in the city after having kids). I told her I didn't think it was going to work out. In the coming weeks I started seeing her most places I went to. I would go to a bar and she would show up, I would be out to eat and she would walk by the window. Fredericton is a small city but those were a few too many coincidences for comfort. One night I was out with my two roomates and we were having a few drinks. A cougar at the bar was harassing us so I decided to get away from the situation and left to go home. I got home, showered and laid on my bed, quickly falling asleep . I woke up at like 7am and I looked over and this girl is laying with her head on my chest (fully clothed, thank goodness) and I am fully clothed. I've never jumped up so fast in my life. I asked her what the hell she was doing there and she said that I shared a cab home with her. I told her I was decently sober when I came home ALONE and to try again. She told me a few other lies and I eventually kicked her the heck out of the apartment. I later found out that she was sitting on the front step of our apartment building when my roomates came home and she told them I had called her to come over. That's totally normal non-stalkerish behaviour. She actually called me that day to ask if I wanted to go shopping with her and I told her to stay the heck away from me. She either gave up at that point or she got better at hiding, perhaps I will never know. Years later I would get a Facebook friend request from her saying "I finally found you!". Yeah ummm denied.

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall for each other. Boy and girl move in together and get a dog and live happily ever after. Not quite. Girl apparently cannot distinguish between dreams and reality. One night we are sleeping and then around 3am she wakes me up abruptly. I manage to ask her what is wrong, if someone is in the house or something? She informs me she had a bad dream about me. I tell her to relax it was only a dream and to go back to sleep. At this point she shakes me rather violently awake again and tells me to go out to the couch, she can't sleep beside me after this dream. I say "You know this was a dream right? Not reality? I've NEVER actually done anything bad to you, ever and you know this". She replies "Get out of this bed, right now!". I tell her I will compromise and sleep as far away from her on the bed as I can at which point she starts to do a fairly decent Bruce Lee impression and physically KICK me in the back and out of bed. I pick myself up off the floor and look at her like she is the girl out of the Exorcist. It wouldn't have surprised me much if her head starting spinning around. Even the dog sighed at her judgementally as he accompanied me to the couch. A few days later my landlord was down in the apartment fixing the washing machine and I said "Hey, can I run something by you just to see if it's normal? You're married, have you ever heard of anything like this?" I proceed to tell him the story and he stares at me in disbelief and asks me if I am joking. I assure him I am not. He tells me this is definitely not normal and to keep my eyes open for further signs of psychosis. Oh there were plenty more. Eventually I got out of that one as well. Around 6 years later I would get an email on Facebook saying "I finally found you!". DELETE. Upon further inspection I discovered she had been emailing my sister in law for a few weeks before and was engaged. That makes total sense why she was so happy to have found me...not so much.

Fairly recently I went on a date with a girl and we got along really well. It was a very simple date but we had a good time. The next day I had an especially busy day at work and then two games of softball after that. I talked to her the day after and I could tell that she was a bit down. I asked her what was wrong. Girl: "I'm just feeling depressed. My summer is ruined". Mike: "What happened? Why is your summer ruined?". Girl: "You didn't call yesterday". Mike: "Come again??". Girl: "You ruined my summer". I think there might be some chance she is joking with me and somehow we get past that. We hang out again. She then informs me she doesn't think I am making her a priority and that "I've been crying since I met you!". It was around that time that I pulled the plug on that situation. Thanks for coming out, crazy don't live here no more.

I wonder what it is about people that makes them act in such a manner without being provoked. I can understand some crazy behaviour if you are fighting or if someone has genuinely done you wrong, but not in these situations. Maybe I should feel special that I can cause such passionate actions in people. More often than not though it just makes me shake my head and wonder where the hell that came from. I'm like catnip to the crazy kitties of the world. I'm sure I will experience more as time goes by and just maybe I will learn whether I am the magnet or the instigator...

“You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy.” - Charles Manson.

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." - W.C. Fields.

Do you come here often?

Approaching a woman is a hard thing to do for a guy and the truth is most of us have no idea how to do it. The funny thing is that if we actually find a way that works once, we will almost definitely try it on every other girl we want to talk to from that point onward. Sad but true. It is best to be creative if possible but it is not always easy.

Here are some of the methods I have heard used...

In the club...huge range of tactics, varying degrees of success.

Some guys will stare from across the room and hope to catch the girl's glance and maybe even a smile. This can backfire if you stare too long, that is super creepy. The key is to not stare too long, catch the glance and smile and then look away. If you get the smile back you at least have a fighting chance and the girl might even welcome conversation. If she gives you the finger or a dirty look, pull the eject button on this mission. If you persist you might get blown out of the sky, or worse. Low risk, low reward with this method.

Buying the lady a drink. Do not expect a grand gesture in return. Ask her what she is drinking, if the girl is drinking a water do not buy her a shot of tequila (creepy). If she is drinking a glass of wine, do not send her a beer. Do not offer someone half of your beer, even if it is the top half (not as romantic as you might think). It also helps if you can talk to her a bit before offering to buy the drink. Do not offer to buy her a drink if it is an open bar (minimally funny and lame). Relatively low risk, slightly higher reward potential and potentially expensive.

Commenting on a commonly seen occurrence. Perhaps there is a guy wearing ballhugger jeans or a wearing a fur hat, perhaps a girl wearing a jean belt or showing way more skin than she should for someone that size...this is a good chance to start up a conversation and playfully poke fun (showing off your stellar sense of humor). Asking the girl to settle a debate by offering her opinion on something is also a good idea. Medium risk, good chance of success.

Some guys are brazen enough to just grab a girl's butt, or use some ridiculously vulgar pickup line. Does this ever work? Apparently it does once in a blue moon. These guys either think they are cool enough to pull it off or just really don't care that there is little to no chance of it actually turning out well. I lump these guys in the same group of guys that wear sweat pants to the mall, they've given up on life. If you're going to use any pickup line it had better be original and funny. Huge risk, minimal chance of success.

On the brightside I think that girls tend to initiate conversations more at clubs now than they have in years past. I don't go out much but one of the last times I was in a club I was getting a drink at the bar and a girl started talking to me. We chatted for a bit and I went back to my friends. Next thing I knew she was dancing behind me on the dancefloor and I felt something on my pocket. I was pissed wondering who the heck was trying to lift my wallet. Turns out the girl put her card in my back pocket. Girls have it so easy, I was flattered but if I had done the same thing to a girl I might have got slapped in the face or told off. I really believe the best thing you can do is just walk up to someone and say "Hi my name is ____, I like your face. Can I buy you a shot of Tequila? I like your hair, I can only imagine what it looks like tussled about. I have to question what kind of girl surrounds herself with girls way less attractive than herself. Would you like to come back to my place for a cinematic adventure? I have all Lord of the Rings movies on Blu-ray". How can that possibly fail?

Stay thirsty my friends.

More Random Thinkings...

I present you with the second installment of random thoughts floating around in my mind. These are things I may or may not spend much time thinking about, but they nonetheless pop up and steal away some brain power from time to time...In no particular order here they are:

The site http://www.feedthepig.org/ is nowhere near as fun as you'd think it would be based on the name alone. Quite disappointing actually. I feel like writing them a letter telling them they have wasted a potentially great website name.

Obama delays his promise to gays. Basically up to this point "gay" people are not technically "allowed" in the US military. However, many of them have joined and are serving and there is generally a do not ask, do not tell kind of mentality surrounding it. Obama has promised that he would lift the ban on openly gay people in the military and it is taking longer it should. The way I look at it, if someone is foolish enough to volunteer to get shot at they can do it wearing a pink tu-tu, a fur hat, with a tattoo that says "I'm Gay!" on their forehead listening to the Village People for all I care. It takes a special kind of person to go into a career knowing it may cost them their life, if that person happens to have a lisp and frosted tips, so be it.

I wish I could go into the bank and order oversized cheques, like the ones you used to see when someone won a million dollars from Publisher's Clearing House. I would use them to pay my rent. It would be fantastic watching my 100lb Portuguese landlady struggling to make it out the door with it, fitting it in her backseat, to take it to get it cashed. There's no depositing that in the bank machine. Besides, they just look cool. You could get a cheque for $2 and feel important for a few minutes.

If you ever get a chance to ride in a time machine and you are going to the future, would sticking your arm out the window turn it into a fossil?

Have you ever been more into the "idea" of someone more than the actual person?

This one is kind of gross but I will say it anyways. Animals such as dogs have different blood types. Do different breeds of dog have different blood types? Do vets yell out "I need 2 pints of cocker-poo STAT!"? I could likely Google that but it is more fun to wonder.

Do you ever have dreams where evil Teletubbies take you hostage and keep making those messed up noises they make at you? Yeah me neither...

Am I the only person that finds it very alarming that the people who definitely should not be having kids seem to be procreating at an alarming rate? Smart people seem to stop having kids after 1 or 2, but the Jerry Springer types think 4-6 is a good number. Need proof? Go to Walmart.

Until next time, stay thirsty my friends.

Caution: Chemistry Experiments Ongoing

We all look for it, it is elusive and sometimes incredibly hard to find, but most people agree it is a necessity...the all important CHEMISTRY (aka SPARK), not to be confused (but aided by sometimes) alcohol.

I intend to discuss the following three types of chemisty: social, physical and relationship and relate my own brand of commentary on it. You may disagree, and in that case you would be wrong but you can disagree nonetheless. I welcome your views on the subject and you just might be able to enlighten me. I think I know a fair bit on the subject but I am the first to admit I do not know it all.

The first item on the agenda is social chemistry. You know what I mean, you have those people you just get along great with. I am lucky enough to have several people in my life that I can run into at any given time and be almost in tears laughing with within a short amount of time. The people you work well with, the people you watch movies, sports or TV with, people you can talk on the phone for hours with, the people you can go on an 8 hour roadtrip with, the people you can go months without speaking to but pick up right where you left off with. These people are different than the people you can tolerate or are indifferent to. They could also be referred to as "friends" perhaps. Some people disagree that you can have this kind of chemistry with people of the opposite sex without it being something more but I whole-heartedly disagree as I have many friends like this. This type of chemistry can sometimes morph into the other kinds of chemistry but for the most part it stays where it is.

Physical chemistry is a bit more than just attraction and can go all the way up to sexual chemistry. The most basic form of it is when you are out in public or watching TV and you see someone. Before you even realize it your brain has sent signals to your body about whether you find that person attractive or not. If you are attracted your body temp will spike ever so subtly, your pupils dilate and your lower lip may even swell a small amount. It's amazing when you think about it, before you even think to yourself "this person is cute", your body has already expressed interest or indifference. In person the pheromones kick in as well. It's a very complicated process. I believe some people just vibrate at the same frequency and when you are near those people you just pick up on it either consciously or subconsciously. You're just DRAWN to them. You just have that electricity, that primal level grrrr. I think that is how a lot of people end up in bad relationships and how it is so hard for them to get away once they are in it. You know the person is not compatible with you on so many important levels but you just can't resist that pull, you can't quit them. When people date they are always looking for this type of chemistry on some level. That pull to see the person again, that connection. I have experienced it a few times and it is intoxicating for sure. Just keep in mind that the fire that burns the most intensely is the hardest to keep going or control and it can end up causing the most damage. Contrary to popular dating belief it is something that I have had develop over time. The number one reason why people say there is no second date is that there was "no spark". I think it has a lot to do with the scenario, watching a movie is not optimal for developing sparks. I've had girls develop interest in me after watching me play softball, but sitting across from someone over drinks can be an entirely different story. Does that mean for all of my dates I should be inviting the girl to watch me play a sport? Possibly...

The last one in my discussion is the super elusive relationship chemistry. This basically combines the two previous types into a warm and fuzzy envelope with perhaps some extra whipped cream on top. There is a little give and take over what proportion the other chemistries mix in this one. Some people are willing to settle for less attraction for more in common, others will relent on the common ideas for the attraction. Ideally it is your best friend that you are totally attracted to, that undeniable attraction for someone who you also have a lot in common with. Someone you can spend time with and lose track of it. I've experienced it, I know it exists. The following are some quotes from my friends on what relationship chemistry is...

"Chemistry is where you want to do more than give them a friendly hug - all day every day. You click. You feel alive when you're near them. You feel alive when you just hear their voice."

"There's the part where you spend time together, the intimate part, and the part where you have similar interests right? They all need to fit together. If you only have two of the three it fails."

"It's like a warmth or spark between people. i think it's something that allows you to share the same space with that person."

"It's when you're drawn to somebody without even saying a word just based on animal instinct
or you have a spark/chemistry on an intellectual level. It's the same thing to me."

"For sure there has to be a physical component and an intellectual component, maybe some type of value related element as well. Like if you were considering entering into a relationship with someone, you'd want there to be a physical attraction, and intellection stimulation and a sense that you shared the same values or that you valued the same things and wanted the same things out of life."

Ask yourself what you think it is. It seems to be different for everyone. I am convinced I could ask 100 different people and get 100 different answers. How would you define it?

Stay thirsty my friends.

This is why I like Matt Good, dude cracks me up...

My Apologies

First off my apologies...

I am back and I apologize for the long absence. Surprisingly more people than I would have thought have commented on the lack of entries lately. Funny, since nobody leaves COMMENTS ON MY ENTRIES...lol.

I just got back from a small vacation in the "Picture Province" for a good old country wedding and let's just say it was an experience. I didn't know it was possible to dance to "Spirit in the Sky" or "Footloose" or "Devil Went Down to Georgia", but I was proven wrong (by my drunken self mostly). My cousin actually requested some "fiddle music" from the band and she got her wish. My sister in law called me a "ghetto dancer" and I choose to take that as a compliment.

The time came when the garter was to be thrown and I was forced up amongst the single men. The competitiveness in me unexpectantly creeped up and I wanted to catch it, just for the sake of winning. As the garter was flying through the air I jumped for it and as it was about to land on my outstretched finger I came to my senses. I suddenly had the thought "What the hell are you doing??" and I pulled my finger back and and shifted my body (while still in the air) and avoided that thing like I was in the Matrix. The garter fell to the ground and I walked away like nothing had happened, nothing to see here! The crowd thought it was great and I felt like I just got shot in the chest while wearing a Kevlar vest and was trying to walk it off. "Haha I look pale? No I'm not feeling well, it certainly isn't because I almost caught the garter...that's RIDICULOUS. Where's my beer? Can I drink your beer? Oh I wasn't sitting on this side of the room before? Who are you? Oh sorry Uncle James, I didn't recognize you, you look so different from the last time I saw you 5 minutes ago...I'll be all right".

On a side note, I am an amazing dancer (opinions vary slightly) and you may find this hard to believe but I have had no FORMAL training. I found out at this dance that it is genetic which is both enlightening and a little upsetting. I thought I had carved out my legacy of snazzy dancing despite my family, but seeing my 83 yr old grandfather dancing to almost every dance and another 76 yr old relative doing what would be best described as naughty dancing, I see that it was inavoidable and the rhythm was eventually going to get me. I do take it to another level, but the foundation was already in place.

All in all good times had by all at the wedding/dance. Alcohol helps but it is good to go back to your roots sometimes and just let loose. So accept my sincerest apologies for leaving you all hanging for so long. I have another blog idea cooking so check back soon...

This for your viewing and listening pleasure if you're so inclined: