The first and oft times final date...

"Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you!
Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels...or ouch, ouch you're on my hair." - Wedding Crashers

I couldn't have said it better myself. It is a "forced intimate, awkward situation". It's one thing if you know some common interests and you can talk about them, but otherwise you just ramble random anecdotes and hope the person says "Yeah I hate that too!" or "I know exactly what you mean!". It's all about building a rapport and comraderie. You're basically trying to convince the person you are with that you are more fun to be with than sitting home with Rogers On Demand.

I am not exactly great at first dates, I am usually nervous and if anything, too well behaved. I am too aware of inadvertently touching my date to make them uncomfortable and I am sure it likely comes off as noticeable avoidance which in turn makes my date that much more uncomfortable. What do you talk about? I find the best way to connect is to recount bad first dates because almost everyone has had them. It's the search for the topic that allows you to "connect" and find that elusive "chemistry" or "spark". Alcohol helps. A majority of people need to feel that spark with someone in the first 2 hours of meeting or there is no second date. I've been lucky enough to experience that electrifying, smack you upside your head, no denying it, what the hell is this chemistry on a first date and I must admit it is very addictive. Unfortunately that kind of connection is hard to find and equally hard to sustain. I just usually try to get a feel for the person and see if I want a second date. Both people are usually on their best behavior, I don't think you get to see the real person until at least the 4th date. So basically it is all bullshit until you make it through the interview process. You never find out about the porn collection, kicking old people down stairs, the criminal record, the illegitimate children and other fun facts until they feel comfortable enough that you won't bolt.

What do you do for the date? Do you do the good old coffee or ice cream date? Drinks? Dinner? Dinner and drinks? Movie? I prefer the coffee date or the drinks date as it allows you to get a feel for the person and go on to do something else if the vibe is good. I've had a first date that started off playing pool, involved being in the back of a cop car and ended with jumper cables. You can use your imagination to fill in the blanks. Needless to say it was memorable and there was no denying the "spark" (couldn't resist the pun). A friend recently told me about a date where her and her date decided to go to a clothing store and play dressup. The guy comes out of the change room with his pants undone and reached up for something off a rack. The angle was not a good one and she could see down his underwear a bit and boom, huge untamed bush flowing upwards. There was no second date surprisingly. I went on a date once that included drinks in a pub, there was a live band playing and the music was loud. I could hardly hear what the girl was saying and answered and added comments as best I could. She later told me that she thought I was a bit dumb after the date and actually joked about it with her co-workers ("smart like sidewalk"). Turns out she was asking me stuff and I would answer totally different questions because I misheard what she was saying. Going for drinks at a place where Skid Row had the amp cranked to 11 was not the best idea.

What do you wear? Do you do your impression of the Fresh Prince to seem hip? Dress up in your velour tracksuit to show your funky side? I don't care if your jumpsuit cost $300, it just means you paid $300 to look like a douchebag. Congrats. Do you dress up like it is the first day of 5th grade and you're showing off your new clothes? I usually go for the James Dean look with jeans and a tshirt. I figure that is universally appealing. Apparently shoes are a HUGE part of the outfit. If my date does not work out I like to blame it on my shoes. "Damn shoes let me down again, she was digging me until she saw those shoes...". One date showed up wearing an orange corduroy outfit complete with matching hat and informed me that it was her hot outfit. I had a date once where the girl showed up looking like the hooker Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. She proceeded to tell me how most guys didn't show her the respect she deserved on dates...you mean a Flashdance shirt used as a short dress, thigh high boots and a leotard don't command respect?? The part that cracks me up is that was likely her A-game outfit. I should have asked her on a second date just to see what was second in the rotation, it likely would have blown my mind. I'm thinking there might have been fishnets and maybe some clear heels. Alas, I will never know...and yet I sleep well at night.

So things go fairly well and the date is coming to a close. Is there going to be a kiss or an ass-out hug? I think it is safe to say things did not go well if it ends with a handshake. A handshake is essentially a polite way of kicking someone in the crotch and spitting on them. You might as well mutter "I detest you" as you walk away, kick dirt on their shoes or possibly do a three stooges eye poke. Not that I have ever received the "handshake" just going by what I have heard...all my dates end in prolonged makeout sessions of course. I usually don't even kiss on the first date unless there is a clear and obvious sign it is wanted. I've been known to even run away at times. I would like to have it videotaped just to watch how awkward I am at it. I have no doubt it would crack me up. It's even better when you go into kiss each other on the cheek and somehow get messed up and kiss the nose or chin. Are we having fun yet??? Can we please do this again? "I'm usually more charismatic than this...".

So the date comes to an end and you spend the next 2-24hrs analyzing the hell out of it and thinking of all the things you could have done better. Overall it was a good date, there is some potential there...so now...when do you call? When do you hit them up for date #2? There are many different schools of thought on the proper time to do this. Some people firmly believe that you need to wait 3 days to contact the person. So you basically have to avoid the person for 3 days so as not to seem overly available/desperate. Then I am guessing that you call the person up and hope they remember you. I am not a fan of this method. I like to build on positive momentum. I call or text when I feel like it, sometimes the same night. I think it is just a nice thing to do. Everyone is so busy nowadays, what is wrong with letting someone know you enjoyed their company and are thinking of them? If that is wrong, I don't want to be right.

So why do we go through this "forced, awkward intimate" experience? For the hope that we will hit it off with the person and we'll never have to do it ever again. Perhaps at the very least we will have more fun than if we'd stayed home with the Rogers on Demand...

Stay thirsty my friends.