Wut u doin?

It is 2009 and it seems like the topic dominating the headlines is texting. Everywhere I look I see a story about how texting is the most popular form of communication these days. There are stories about "sexting" and the dangers of texting while driving, $5000 phone bills among other things...You can't go to the mall or a public place without seeing someone walking blindly hammering their thumbs on their keypad. I wonder how often these people run into other people or walls. You'd think it would be mostly kids but it seems to be people of all ages. It seems that at any given time with a large group of people, more than 50% are looking at their phones or crackberries.

It is amazing how quickly we become slaves to our addictions of convenience. If you want to communicate one thought almost instantly to someone not close enough to hear you, texting is the way to go. It has almost replaced my phone conversations altogether. It blows my mind how I'd rather have a text marathon of 100 texts as opposed to a 5 minute conversation. I think the biggest reason is that texting allows you to multitask and do other things while you are communicating with someone. I can clean my room, I can cook dinner, do laundry without having to carry on a full conversation. Texting involves about one thought every 2-3 minutes. If you can't string together one relevant thought at that frequency, a cellphone in any context might not be a good idea for you. Consider me one of the converted, I have the unlimited texting plan with something like 1200 combined sent and received texts on my last bill. It seems ludicrous to even comtemplate that many texts. I don't even know that many people really. I am definitely not a text zombie though, I always stop walking to text. We're all like Pavlov's dogs trained to hear that familiar sound of an incoming text. Have you ever been in a room with a bunch of people when someone gets a text? Everyone wants to look at their phone (and most people do) even if their phone makes a totally different noise when receiving a text. It is hilarious.

"Sexting" is the act of talking dirty over text and is one of the fastest growing fads these days. The story I read claimed that it is especially big with grade 7 to grade 12 kids. Texting naughty messages to each other in class is the "in" thing to do. I think most classrooms ban cell phones now, but they frowned on passing notes way back when and we still managed to do that relatively undetected. Kids will find a way to do what they want, there is very little way around that. As far as adults go it's not my cup of tea but if it appeals to you, fill your boots my friend.

If you text while driving you are just an idiot. That is what red lights are for. Smarten up and stop endangering other people on the road. Anytime I see someone swaying back and forth between the lines they invariably are texting on their phones or drunk. I imagine it is only a matter of time before I see a drunk driver drunk texting, I just hope when it happens they are not about to crash into me. I'm as capable as anyone at steering with my knees doing 130km/h while texting, yet I have to sense to know isn't a good idea.

So do us all a favor my fellow texters, practice safe texting whether it be when out in public, in your car or while "sexting" (is it just me or does that sound sketchy and gross?).

I'll finish up this entry with some quotes from the site Texts from Last Night:

(636): maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter

(937): I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.

(979): I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME

(513): theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.

(850): I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts

(773): My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
(1-773): didn't stop?
(773): naw, they were rude, not me.

(505): He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.

(319): The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue

(815): I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.

Stay thirsty my friends.

What is your Kryptonite?

Is it just me or is there a certain kind of alcohol that makes you get a little out of control? I think most people have that specific type of drink that could lead to you hanging off a chandelier in your underwear singing Livin La Vida Loca. The drink that leads to the "I love you man!" or the uncontrolled sobbing fits...

When I drink hard liquor there is always a possibility it may get out of control. Hard liquor just affects me in a different way. Also factor in that hard liquor is easier to drink quickly when it is properly mixed and it is a recipe for disaster. If I drink beer I am fine, it's hard to drink beer too fast because it makes you feel full. After much experimentation, including trial and error, I am now aware of specific kinds of alcohol I should only drink in very limited quantities or avoid altogether. I've talked to some of my friends about this as well and they all seem to agree that one kind of liquor affects them differently than the others.

My kryptonite is Tequila (te-kill-ya). A close second is rum. I can be out with my friends pleasantly buzzed and if I do a shot or two of tequila, things can get messy. Next thing I know I am waking up wondering what the heck happened. Where are my pants? How did I get home? What is my name? There is something in tequila that just erases my memories of the night after the tequila makes its appearance. It never fails. Knowing all of this, I still try it on occasion, I just try to limit the intake. I figure I can use tequila like a flu shot. My body will get used to the effects if I introduce it in small doses here and there. I know it is my nemesis and I want to conquer it, especially after it has kicked my ass a few times. Rum has caused a few crazy nights as well but it has nothing on tequila.

So hear that tequila, I will conquer you slowly but surely. Either that or you'll knock me the hell out like you usually do when I challenge you. These are but small battles in a bigger war. Let the games begin...What is your kryptonite?

Random Annoyances and Pet Peeves

1. Why do people say "See you later now"? This bothers me, are you seeing me later or now? Make up your fool mind. Don't make me consider your intentions, that is wasted brain power that could be better used to figure out my next meal or what I'm going to do tonight. Do not ever say this to me or I may smack you upside the head and say "Smack you NOW!".

2. Why is it that when you need something (ie. a tack, a piece of paper, a ride, etc), there is never one around? Say you're on the phone with someone and they are going to give you another number to call or an address, what would you guesstimate the chances are of having a piece of paper and a pen handy? If you're lucky enough to find a pen it is completely empty of ink. If you needed to find one tack in 10 seconds to save your life, you'd likely die. If you have no need for a tack you see a pack of 100 that you don't even remember buying sitting on your desk and you wonder what the hell you'll ever do with them.

3. I can't be held responsible for my actions if I ever say "I can't find my (fill in the blank)" and someone has the infinite wisdom to tell me "It's always the last place you look...". By the time I admit defeat in the search to the point where I voice my failure I am thoroughly frustrated. Anyone around would be best served to choose their words wisely. The best thing is that people always say that line like they just derived the formula for Einstein's theory of relativity. Ok genius, why in the hell would I continue to look in other places after I found it??? That's ridiculous. Next you'll proudly recite your ABC's and tell me you want a cookie. Now go marry your cousin and spread the wealth of intelligence you possess.

4. Why is it that when the gas light comes on you are the farthest distance away from the cheapest gas? If you're lucky enough to be around the cheap gas when you need it and fill up, gas goes down the next day.

5. When I say I am buying a lottery ticket and someone says "I never win...". Of course I ask them how often they play and they always say "Well I don't...". Is it possible to win a lottery if you don't play it (aside from the Nigerian or UK lottery I win via email every week)? I think not. How many people do you see in the commercials with the huge cheque that say "I don't know how this happened, I didn't even buy a ticket!!"?? Zero, that is how many. It makes me think they didn't buy a ticket to the intelligence lottery either.

6. Why is it that when there are two or more lines to get to something that the line you are in is always the slowest. Oh you see the line next to you moving faster, you jump over and boom, that line becomes slower than the last. Never fails.

Stay thirsty my friends, and have a great weekend (just not greater than mine or I will be upset, nobody likes a showoff).

"You're what??? Movin' to Teronna??"

That was almost always invariably the reaction I got when I told people back in NB that I indeed had decided to pack up and move to the big smoke. The following are some quotes from people after I told them the startling news:

"Oh but what about the traffic??" - Contrary to popular belief, Toronto is not one big traffic jam 24 hours a day. 90% of the time it is fairly easy to get around. Traffic is a byproduct of there actually being things to do here. In Fredericton "traffic" consists of 3 cars being in front of you at the light and usually only happens right before Christmas. Toronto does not shut down at 10pm. This is a good thing. Usually when there is traffic there are alternative routes to get where you're going. People do more than just sit at home or go to the movies here, it's an amazing concept. It's surprising how fast you can get used to driving on a 6 lane highway really, it doesn't even phase me. It's amazing really.

"Aren't you afraid of getting shot?" - It might be hard to believe but I have never been shot at yet. I'm sure my mom pictures me stepping out of my place and dodging bullets like I am in the Matrix. I'm waiting to see if this year I get a Kevlar vest for Christmas. I'd wear it to the Walmart by my place just for fun. Just like back home there are places you don't go when it's dark outside. There are places you drive through quickly with the car doors locked. I try not to frequent the 7-11's with the bars on the doors. I don't walk down the street avoiding drive-by's. Some people even say hi here, it may be in a different language and I may be hoping they just said hi, but that is how I choose to see it. I am the eternal optimist though as anyone who knows me will attest...

"What about all those people? I couldn't handle that many people!" - Sure there are a lot of people here, a ton of people. Population of Fredericton approximately 70,000. Population of Toronto approximately 3.5 million or so. That is a lot of people, I agree. All those people are not in my living room though, I don't turn around in my kitchen and hit someone with a turban (although after some nights that are a bit fuzzy, I wouldn't be surprised). I don't have to push past people on the sidewalk all the time (seldom if ever). Riding the subway is a different story though, when it is packed with people I want to freak out just a bit. I'll give you that one. It doesn't happen much anymore since I don't work downtown, but remembering it makes me shudder just a little.

"You must have lost your mind!" - I can't really argue this one, all I can say is it was bound to happen at some point. I'm surprised I held on to the last shreds of sanity as long as I did, like a fat kid and the last smartie in the box (the days were numbered). NB is great for some people (great place to raise children, retire...), but it definitely was not the only place I wanted to live my entire life. I like to be able to go see concerts from somebody other than Blue Rodeo, Def Leppard or local bands (of which there were some good ones). I like to be able to go to live sporting events. I like to go places where everyone does not know my name and could care less that I came. I appreciate being able to go to a pub and not seeing one of my buddy's exes. These are just some of the joys of living in the city. Overall, a wise choice on my part I must say. I made the decision and haven't looked back.

Random Toronto Moments:
Wondering around downtown and seeing a homeless guy absolutely freaking out yelling at a storm grate. I'm not sure what the storm grate did since it was not yelling back. If I asked the homeless guy, he might have told me different. I try to make it a general rule in my life that if someone is having an argument with an inanimate object, I don't take sides or try to mediate.

Riding the bus one day there was a weird looking guy with wild eyes sitting there just surveying the situation. An attractive blond girl was sitting beside him minding her own business, he didn't seem to notice her at all. The guy gets to his stop and stands up, turns to the girl and yells "I DON'T LIKE YOUR FACE!!" and smiles ridiculously while exiting the bus. Walking outside the bus he looks directly at me (still on the bus and mesmerized by what just happened) and yells "RUN!!". Absolutely captivating, who needs TV?

The first and oft times final date...

"Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you!
Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels...or ouch, ouch you're on my hair." - Wedding Crashers

I couldn't have said it better myself. It is a "forced intimate, awkward situation". It's one thing if you know some common interests and you can talk about them, but otherwise you just ramble random anecdotes and hope the person says "Yeah I hate that too!" or "I know exactly what you mean!". It's all about building a rapport and comraderie. You're basically trying to convince the person you are with that you are more fun to be with than sitting home with Rogers On Demand.

I am not exactly great at first dates, I am usually nervous and if anything, too well behaved. I am too aware of inadvertently touching my date to make them uncomfortable and I am sure it likely comes off as noticeable avoidance which in turn makes my date that much more uncomfortable. What do you talk about? I find the best way to connect is to recount bad first dates because almost everyone has had them. It's the search for the topic that allows you to "connect" and find that elusive "chemistry" or "spark". Alcohol helps. A majority of people need to feel that spark with someone in the first 2 hours of meeting or there is no second date. I've been lucky enough to experience that electrifying, smack you upside your head, no denying it, what the hell is this chemistry on a first date and I must admit it is very addictive. Unfortunately that kind of connection is hard to find and equally hard to sustain. I just usually try to get a feel for the person and see if I want a second date. Both people are usually on their best behavior, I don't think you get to see the real person until at least the 4th date. So basically it is all bullshit until you make it through the interview process. You never find out about the porn collection, kicking old people down stairs, the criminal record, the illegitimate children and other fun facts until they feel comfortable enough that you won't bolt.

What do you do for the date? Do you do the good old coffee or ice cream date? Drinks? Dinner? Dinner and drinks? Movie? I prefer the coffee date or the drinks date as it allows you to get a feel for the person and go on to do something else if the vibe is good. I've had a first date that started off playing pool, involved being in the back of a cop car and ended with jumper cables. You can use your imagination to fill in the blanks. Needless to say it was memorable and there was no denying the "spark" (couldn't resist the pun). A friend recently told me about a date where her and her date decided to go to a clothing store and play dressup. The guy comes out of the change room with his pants undone and reached up for something off a rack. The angle was not a good one and she could see down his underwear a bit and boom, huge untamed bush flowing upwards. There was no second date surprisingly. I went on a date once that included drinks in a pub, there was a live band playing and the music was loud. I could hardly hear what the girl was saying and answered and added comments as best I could. She later told me that she thought I was a bit dumb after the date and actually joked about it with her co-workers ("smart like sidewalk"). Turns out she was asking me stuff and I would answer totally different questions because I misheard what she was saying. Going for drinks at a place where Skid Row had the amp cranked to 11 was not the best idea.

What do you wear? Do you do your impression of the Fresh Prince to seem hip? Dress up in your velour tracksuit to show your funky side? I don't care if your jumpsuit cost $300, it just means you paid $300 to look like a douchebag. Congrats. Do you dress up like it is the first day of 5th grade and you're showing off your new clothes? I usually go for the James Dean look with jeans and a tshirt. I figure that is universally appealing. Apparently shoes are a HUGE part of the outfit. If my date does not work out I like to blame it on my shoes. "Damn shoes let me down again, she was digging me until she saw those shoes...". One date showed up wearing an orange corduroy outfit complete with matching hat and informed me that it was her hot outfit. I had a date once where the girl showed up looking like the hooker Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. She proceeded to tell me how most guys didn't show her the respect she deserved on dates...you mean a Flashdance shirt used as a short dress, thigh high boots and a leotard don't command respect?? The part that cracks me up is that was likely her A-game outfit. I should have asked her on a second date just to see what was second in the rotation, it likely would have blown my mind. I'm thinking there might have been fishnets and maybe some clear heels. Alas, I will never know...and yet I sleep well at night.

So things go fairly well and the date is coming to a close. Is there going to be a kiss or an ass-out hug? I think it is safe to say things did not go well if it ends with a handshake. A handshake is essentially a polite way of kicking someone in the crotch and spitting on them. You might as well mutter "I detest you" as you walk away, kick dirt on their shoes or possibly do a three stooges eye poke. Not that I have ever received the "handshake" just going by what I have heard...all my dates end in prolonged makeout sessions of course. I usually don't even kiss on the first date unless there is a clear and obvious sign it is wanted. I've been known to even run away at times. I would like to have it videotaped just to watch how awkward I am at it. I have no doubt it would crack me up. It's even better when you go into kiss each other on the cheek and somehow get messed up and kiss the nose or chin. Are we having fun yet??? Can we please do this again? "I'm usually more charismatic than this...".

So the date comes to an end and you spend the next 2-24hrs analyzing the hell out of it and thinking of all the things you could have done better. Overall it was a good date, there is some potential there...so now...when do you call? When do you hit them up for date #2? There are many different schools of thought on the proper time to do this. Some people firmly believe that you need to wait 3 days to contact the person. So you basically have to avoid the person for 3 days so as not to seem overly available/desperate. Then I am guessing that you call the person up and hope they remember you. I am not a fan of this method. I like to build on positive momentum. I call or text when I feel like it, sometimes the same night. I think it is just a nice thing to do. Everyone is so busy nowadays, what is wrong with letting someone know you enjoyed their company and are thinking of them? If that is wrong, I don't want to be right.

So why do we go through this "forced, awkward intimate" experience? For the hope that we will hit it off with the person and we'll never have to do it ever again. Perhaps at the very least we will have more fun than if we'd stayed home with the Rogers on Demand...

Stay thirsty my friends.