A Little Dab Will Do You

A while back when I was living in NB (the dark times as I call them), I didn't have a car. Occasionally I would walk home from work. It was about a 2km walk (mostly downhill) and if the weather was decent I would walk it. I really hated my job at the time and the walk would give me about 20 minutes to clear my head.

One particular work night I decided to walk home and I went into the washroom and washed my face (take note of this, this information will be important later). On this night I decided to stop for a bottle of Gatorade at the Convenience Store/Dairy Bar on the way home. I walked in and went to the cooler at the back of the store, got my gatorade and then walked up to the cash. This rather large, rugby-player looking guy walked in and he looked a little jittery. He grabbed a pack of gum and got into line behind me. I paid for my Gatorade and walked outside, ready to finish the last 5 minutes of the walk home. Literally 5 seconds later, this guy came out the door behind me. At the time I was a bit confused as to how he made it outside so fast. Did he have the perfect change for his gum? Did he decide to put it back and not get anything? I'll never know.

My spider sense was tingling for good reason, things got a little strange from there. When I turned to see that he had come out the door behind me he was about three feet behind me which startled me a bit. A stranger (or even my friends for that matter) should not invade my personal space like that. The fact that he was a bit twitchy did not settle my mind very much. I had the weirdest feeling he was going to throw a punch at me, my adrenaline kicked in and I was ready for things to escalate in a bad way. He looked at me with a blank expression and said "Hey man, what are you doing now, are you meeting up with a girl or something?". It was such an odd question from someone I didn't know, I was a bit stunned by it. I muttered "No" and he said "You have something on your face". Instinctively I wiped my face with my hand. It was at this point that I remembered that I had indeed washed my face before I left work that night so the chances of having missed something were slim. I replied "No, I think I'm good". Things were weird up to this point, but what happened next was blatantly over the top. To my surprise and horror, this guy licked his finger and started moving it towards my face (this is a move I see a lot of mothers do to their children). He got about half way towards his target when I finally clued in what was going to happen.  I avoided that finger like it was dripping with acid and I was in the damn Matrix dodging a bullet. I managed to mutter "uuuhhh noooo..." and promptly turned and walked quickly home. I kept turning around make sure the weirdo was not following me home and luckily he was not.  

Surprise, surprise when I actually got home and looked in the mirror I had nothing on my face at all. So basically I stopped for a Gatorade and some fool tried to molest my face. Apparently I have the timing and ability to have normal situations turn life alteringly ridiculous at any time. It's just part of my charm.

Until next time loyal readers, may your arms be long enough to scratch whatever itches...

The Nothing Fight

Last year about this time I went to see Dane Cook at the Air Canada Center and it was a great show. Today I was thinking about some of my favourite Dane Cook bits and I remembered about the "Nothing Fight".

If you are not familiar with the "Nothing Fight", the term is basically a description of how a seemingly ridiculous reason for a fight turns into a clusterf**k fight of epic proportions. The one DC describes involves a boyfriend and girlfriend shopping together in the grocery store and the guy asks the girl if they need jelly. The girl replies that she doesn't know and that she doesn't even like jelly. This spirals out of control as they continue to antagonize each other over whether or not there is jelly at home, much to Cook's delight.

I started thinking about my own unique brushes with the Nothing Fight and how this phenomenon has changed my life. I've had a long term relationship end from a Nothing Fight. It starts out as a simple debate or disagreement, takes an epic wrong turn and BOOM you're left wondering how the hell we got here? My theory is that there is an underlying tension there and this slight disagreement is an opportunity for it to be addressed. I'm not a relationship doctor, I just play one on TV.

My last long term relationship ended after a Nothing Fight spiraled out of control and ended up smack dab in the middle of F**kville. It actually started from trying to decide what we wanted to order for take-out food. Yes take-out food. It was basically just a decision between Chinese food and pizza. I suggested pizza and let's just say she REALLY didn't want pizza. We were done a few days later.

One other time I remember getting into an argument with my live-in girlfriend because I brought her home a coffee with two sugars in it and she only wanted one sugar. I honestly can't remember if I ordered it with two sugars or they just gave me two sugars in it by mistake. I made a joke about how I figured she could use a little extra sweetness and she somehow turned it into me not knowing her at all. That turned into a fight that lasted over 2 days.

Beware this strange occurrence my friends, it can strike when you least expect it and the results can be devastating. Keep your wits about you and manage arguments before they explode into full blown fights. Be safe out there...

What doesn't kill you...might just mess you up later

Welcome back to the Universe my friends. Please direct your attention to the right hand side of the screen where I will conduct small polls at my leisure. Feel free to vote and have your opinion ignored and ridiculed. Give me a little direction with this thing before I roll it off the tracks. On to today's entry and remember to keep your hands on the inside of the ride at all times. Hopefully you are adequately edutained...

We live in the world of low-fat, reduced-calorie, sugar-free products. There's an abundance of cool sounding products (ie. Coke Zero, Pepsi Max, Reduced Fat Oreos, etc), but do you ever wonder how they make this stuff? Of course you don't. You're just happy that you get "Real coke taste with 0 calories!" and you think about all the weight you're going to lose. Well guess what Twiggy, those artificial sweeteners come with a price as well. That price is DEATH, DEATH and more DEATH...well perhaps I exaggerate, but it is not good for you. I am looking out for you, my loyal readers, for I am nothing without you. I'm everything I am because you loved me (Did I just quote a Celine Dion song? Yes I did! She's now singing it in your head, no need to thank me and please resist the urge the set yourself on fire. I think we're about 2 weeks away from the Taliban claiming responsibility for her singing, but I digress...).  

Here comes the education part. Put on your thinking caps and let's get down to business. If you drink diet pop or chew sugarless gum chances are you are ingesting Aspartame. It's no coincidence that the site I linked to for Aspartame is referring to it as "sweet poison". Aspartame poisoning can go so far as to give you the symptoms of some fatal diseases. You can totally rationalize the new phobia you've developed (one of the listed possible side effects) when you think about the 100 calories you save in that Diet Coke. I'd rather drink the extra calories in a Coke than to worry irrationally about that can of Diet Coke attacking my face. Recently my mom was telling me about how she as always tired, always had a headache, and never had much energy. I sarcastically asked if she thought it was possibly due to the 2 liters of Diet Coke and the pot of coffee (sweetened with sugar Twin) she drank every day? She cut out the Diet Coke and noticed a big difference as the symptoms subsided within a few weeks. Perhaps she just lied to me to shut me up, maybe I'll never know.

Sucralose is another artificial sweetener that is hazardous to your health. Sucralose is actually a Chlorine based sugar (also referred to as a Chlorocarbon) that is 600 times sweeter than sugar. To put that in perspective, DDT (a chemical previously sprayed many years ago to kill insects, not the wrestling move) is also a Chlorocarbon. It was actually discovered by mistake. Scientists were doing experiments with Chloride based chemicals and one of them accidentally tasted it. Luckily it didn't kill him on the spot and ended up just being very sweet. Mmmmm sign me up for some of them delicious Chlorocarbons.So what if it gives me a third nipple and I bleed from my ears and other body cavities, it's sugar free beeyotch! The other day, while in the grocery store, I saw a bag of Doritos that were sweetened with Sucralose. Say it ain't so Doritos...why are you skimping on the calories? Are the people that eat Doritos looking for the sugar free alternative? Have you EVER wondered how much sugar was in a Dorito?

Hopefully you heed my warning and stop drinking these poisons or at least consume in moderation. If you think water is the answer, you need to be careful there as well. BPA is a hazard to watch out for and it's most commonly found in water bottles. Simply put, BPA is not good for you and you should try to avoid it if you can. 

Lecture time is over kids, venture out into this world with your new knowledge and fair thee well. If ever in doubt, drink beer (it comes in a glass, recyclable container, is all-natural and keeps your blood thin). If still in doubt, drink many beer and repeat until all doubt disappears. Always remember that Dickie loves you all.