1. Inviting him over to, hint hint, hang out and then forcing him to sit through two hours of “Bachelor Pad.” - hmmm...only acceptable if you plan on rewarding us with sex or if you plan on going to a sporting event you have no interest in. Bonus points if you do both or combine the two somehow.
2. Being 15 minutes late to a movie because you had a sudden need to change outfits - Never acceptable, but can be somewhat forgiven with sex (especially if you do that thing you only normally do on our birthdays or special occasions). I HATE waiting for people, it shows a lack of respect. Chances are we don't care what you are wearing as long as it is not embarassing.
3. Calling him a selfish prick on one particularly PMS-y day - Well chances are that we are selfish pricks, at least at some point. Women can get certifiably insane at some points, so we'll likely be happy if that is the worst you call us.
4. Passing on attending his 15-year high school reunion because you’d rather not relive his teenage years with him - Well if you are hot you'd better come with us to the reunion (if we even decide to go). If you are not hot, keep your ugly ass home.
5. Saying “I’m fine” when you’re really not fine and are just being passive-aggressive - WE HATE THIS. I can't stress enough how much we hate this. If there is something wrong, TELL US. We're generally not as good at communicating as you are, so throw us a bone. We don't want to go through the list of possible wrong doings we've committed in our heads to see what the issue POSSIBLY could be. It's a long list. If you choose to ignore my reasoning, prepare to make it up to us with sex.
6. Borrowing his clothes without asking because menswear is in! - This is allowed only while you are still on the premises and can only be used for seductive purposes. You may request one T-shirt to remove from the premises to use as a sleeping garment. Under no circumstances is any article of clothing to be removed without the guy's express written consent. I feel very strongly about this.
7. Clogging up his shower drain with your long hair - This is generally acceptable to most guys, it is just part of dating a girl. Again you should have sex with us to make it ok.
8. Painting your nails in his presence and suffocating him with the fumes - Acceptable only if we are the ones painting your nails for you in a sexy manner (this counts as foreplay). Otherwise, keep that toxic shit away.
9. Needing to stay up late finishing the last Stieg Larsson book when he just wants to go to bed - Here's a little secret...after sex we like to sleep. With this logic in mind, have sex with us and then you can stay up all night if you want, we'll sleep through it.
10. Throwing away his nastiest pair of shoes that he loves for no reason - Do this under no circumstances. We like old shoes, they can be reminders of a game we played in them or whatnot. You are not just throwing away shoes, you are throwing away memories. If you throw out our old shoes we will throw out your new shoes to get even.
11. Calling him by your ex’s name. So long as it’s not during sex - Just remember that turnabout is fair play on this one. You know that ex of ours that you measure yourself against? There is really no reason for this to happen. This is precisely why smart people in relationships call each other "babe" and "you". 12. Using up all of his shaving cream to shave your straggly pube hairs - If it means that you can avoid any sort of crotch chaos or legs that could sand a 2x4, have at it. We pretty much hate shaving and you are giving us a license to grow scruff.
13. Replacing his perfectly good bar soap with jasmine-scented “body wash.” - This is too stupid to comment on, you should know better. Under no circumstances should we have to smell like Jasmine, unless your name happens to be "Jasmine".
14. Googling his ex-girlfriend to see what she looks like. And then maybe hunting down her Facebook too - You can google or Facebook anyone you damn well feel like, just be prepared to find something you might not like (we did not date ugly people before you came along). You also have no right to take it out on us should you find something that upsets you. And this by no means signifies we want to hear anything about your ex.
15. “Accidentally” deleting some old-school World Series game he recorded on the Yankees Classic network so you could have room on the DVR for new episodes of “General Hospital” now that Brenda Barrett is back! - This is punishable by death. You should try to have sex with us to make us forget about it, but we cannot promise it will ease the pain. In short, do not delete anything off the PVR without first consulting.
16. Innocently sitting down at his computer and scanning the subject lines of the messages sitting in his Gmail inbox. It’s not like you hacked into his email or anything. It was there - If you're like most women, we are lucky if you don't hack into our email accounts. If we leave it open it is perfectly OK for you to peruse the subject lines. Under no circumstances are you to click and open a message.
17. Making him watch that awesomely gay Miley Cyrus lipdub “Party in the USA Fire Island,” like, 20 times - No amount of sex in the world makes this OK. It just is not going to happen. One second thought, if you tell us to go on a guy's weekend in Vegas we might watch it once.
18. Complaining about your friend’s annoying behavior but then getting testy with him when he dares criticize her too - You're a woman, you will complain about things. Especially friends. Guys are the same way in the way that we make fun of our friends. It's allowed as long as we are the ones doing it, but if someone else does our loyalty kicks in and it is no longer OK. Besides, when you talk about your friends we will likely ignore you anyways and just try to nod on cue.
19. Replacing his white flour pasta with whole wheat - Chances are that if we have put up with the other shit on this list, whatever you do to our pasta is the least of our concerns.
20. Cheating on him with Ryan Gosling - Just remember that this allows us to have that threesome with Jessica Biel and Brooklyn Decker (we also get to videotape this to prove to our friends that it happened).
That is all for this time around folks and remember to always wear clean underwear.
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