The Roomie Chronicles Numero Dos

Welcome back my friends and buckle up for the second installment of the living arrangements of Dickie. The first installment has received rave reviews and people seem to be finding it funnier than I expected. As much as I would love to keep patting myself on the back, I have part 2 of a blog to get to...

During University I rented an apartment during the summer with one of my good buddies from high school (later nicknamed "the Cougar Tamer" for his love of the older women). It was basically a summer of unadulterated retardedness. We're lucky we never ended up in jail or seriously injuring an innocent bystander. We didn't have any furniture when he moved in but my girlfriend had a friend with two old couches she wanted to get rid of. Fortunately she lived about half a kilometer up a hill from us. So the Cougar Tamer and I decided to carry these couches down the hill. Just try to picture two guys walking down a steep hill, each literally carrying a couch literally on his head. When that got uncomfortable we tried pushing the couch fast and jumping onto it  jamaican-bobsled-style. Seemed like a good idea at the time but when we got the couches to our apartment, that particular activity had wore the wooden legs almost completely off. It's funny how friction can be both a good thing and a bad thing...We ended up with two couches sitting directly on the floor in our apartment, but they fit in quite well with our "yardsale" theme. I had a summer job that I hated with a passion and the Cougar Tamer never met a drink he didn't like so we ended up going for drinks a lot. Luckily I had a girlfriend at the time to keep me somewhat under control. I was the best wingman ever. When you are in a relationship, women can just tell that you don't reek of desperation and are drawn to you. That is one of the unfair rules of life. Write it down and put that little tidbit of knowledge in your pocket for a rainy day, it's tried and true. I helped the Cougar Tamer meet many a lady that summer. He was a smaller guy (5'8, 140lbs), but he was a strong bugger. I remember us walking two ladies home one night and we were DRUNK. He ended up with one of the girls on his shoulders to prove how strong he was. I remember thinking to myself there was no way it was going to end well since it was just a matter of time before he or she, or both, fell on his/her face on the pavement. He swayed a lot and even stumbled a little, but to his credit he never dropped her. Luckily we only lived together for 4 months otherwise I would have needed a liver transpant.  Duration: 4 drunken months.

I ended up being roommates this guy (nicknamed "Teeder") that I worked with at a sporting goods store. We didn't really know each other well before being roommates, but it turned out surprisingly well. We were really quite different people, but we had just enough common interests to make it work. We were both a bit geeky, but in totally different ways. I was a jock and he was very respected in his scuba diving association. We spent many a night trying to solve the mysteries that surround the female lifeform. I seemed to have more luck with the ladies, but he had a freakish talent for pulling a homerun out of nowhere when you least expected it. That is what made it interesting when we went out to a bar or club. One such night was the legendary 'Oh You Like It Don't You???' night. Good times. I remember another time when Teeder and the Cougar Tamer were both battling over the attention of one particular lady. It was amusing watching each of their strategies being deployed. Teeder eventually ended up making out with the girl one night and almost certainly would have gotten further if he was not epically cockblocked by her annoying friend. Sadly he never reached that milestone again with the girl. Teeder was just an all around great roommate. It helped that we were both so easy going that we never really let anything get on our nerves. I remember Karaoke being a weekly occurrence. I remember him asking me one time what my secret to getting women interested was and I told him "Well this is the way I see it Teeder, if we both played a game of word association with the word "diving", you would answer 'Scuba' and I would answer 'Muff'. What do you think appeals more to women?". He had to agree with my reasoning. He had the last laugh though when he moved to Thailand and worked as a scuba diver for a tourism company. Duration: 2 years.

And that wraps up installment number 2 of the Roommate Chronicles. Tune in next time for the final installment where I cover my Toronto roommates. Remember that God loves ugly people too.