Deep Thoughts

Here for your pleasure is another round of Deep Thoughts by Dickie. For those of you unfamiliar with this ongoing segment, it is basically just me listing random things I have seen or thought about lately. Remember that whether you like it or not, it is free. Without further adieu, let's begin...

1. In this new age of multitasking, it should not surprise me that a few weeks ago I saw a woman riding a bicycle on a busy street, talking on a cell phone (not handsfree) and smoking a cigarette simultaneously. I should not have been surprised, but I still was. That is a rather amazing feat. Making it more amazing still was that she looked like she may have driven the bicycle from the local trailer park. Not to be judgemental, but she looked like she was functioning intellectually on a low level. I consider myself a fairly intelligent and coordinated person, but I doubt I could pull that off. I like to think that since I am intelligent I know better than to even try that nonsense. It was definitely interesting to see though.

2. Do you ever wipe off the top of the can before drinking from it? I don't usually. I never really thought about it until now and that disturbs me. Why do we assume that top part of the can is sterile or at least suitably clean? We have usually have no idea where that can has been before it made its way to our hands. Some obese girl could have rubbed it in her armpit, some sweaty guy could have dripped sweat on it...makes me want to vomit a little. From now on I will make an effort to always wipe it off. Maybe I am just paranoid.

3. Yesterday at Subway I witnessed a bit of a ruckus during my lunch. As soon as I walked in the door I picked out this guy ordering and I automatically didn't like him. I hadn't even heard him speak and I already detested him. I could just tell he was one of those self-important douches. Then I heard him speak as he rambled off one of the 20+ subs he was ordering and it was all confirmed. My spider sense was correct. He was getting increasingly agitated that the middle eastern woman helping him with his ridiculous order could not keep up with his 5 instructions per second pace. He was snorting and sighing and making all sorts of frustration noises. At one point one of the managers mentioned that he could submit orders through the website and they will have them ready for you. Dickface then said in a very contrite manner that he went to the site and it did not list this location on the site. The manager then asked if it was the .ca site and not the .com site. Dickface spat out that he of course made sure it was and that he was not an idiot. I mentally disagreed wholeheartedly with him on that last point. This guy got so frustrated with this woman helping him that he raised his voice and asked for someone to help him that could speak English. Now that is just a really ignorant thing to say since she was doing her best and she spoke English quite well. I'm not an overly confrontational person, but I was legitimately tempted to pick a verbal fight with this clown. It took all of my restraint to not say to him "Her English is fine, she just might not be familiar with your particular ignorant prick dialect". If you can't find the location on the website, you can fax your order in by finding the number on the yellow pages site and they'll have it ready for you when you come in. Don't punish people because you're an unresourceful f*cktard.           

4. I've noticed a lot of commercials lately with doctors promoting some sort of medication, or dentists promoting some kind of toothpaste. This is all fine and good except when the doctor or dentist is an actor I have seen in show or movie at some point. Poor planning dummies. You just lost all credibility with me. I believed this was a real doctor until I recognized the guy from a random episode of Seinfeld or something. Get a real doctor or dentist that believes in your shit product.

5. I love it when obese people get extra cheese or mayo on their Whoppers. It just seems the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it.

Until next time, may fortune and fame french kiss you all against your will.

That's What She Said

Recently I had the strange experience of being forwarded the following story by a friend. The story lists 20 things a guy should forgive his girlfriend for. I found it rather disturbing to say the least. I will now post the 20 things along with my comments. The full article can be found here (http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-20-things-your-boyfriend-should-forgive-you-for/).

1. Inviting him over to, hint hint, hang out and then forcing him to sit through two hours of “Bachelor Pad.” - hmmm...only acceptable if you plan on rewarding us with sex or if you plan on going to a sporting event you have no interest in. Bonus points if you do both or combine the two somehow.

2. Being 15 minutes late to a movie because you had a sudden need to change outfits - Never acceptable, but can be somewhat forgiven with sex (especially if you do that thing you only normally do on our birthdays or special occasions). I HATE waiting for people, it shows a lack of respect. Chances are we don't care what you are wearing as long as it is not embarassing.

3. Calling him a selfish prick on one particularly PMS-y day - Well chances are that we are selfish pricks, at least at some point. Women can get certifiably insane at some points, so we'll likely be happy if that is the worst you call us.

4. Passing on attending his 15-year high school reunion because you’d rather not relive his teenage years with him - Well if you are hot you'd better come with us to the reunion (if we even decide to go). If you are not hot, keep your ugly ass home.

5. Saying “I’m fine” when you’re really not fine and are just being passive-aggressive - WE HATE THIS. I can't stress enough how much we hate this. If there is something wrong, TELL US. We're generally not as good at communicating as you are, so throw us a bone. We don't want to go through the list of possible wrong doings we've committed in our heads to see what the issue POSSIBLY could be. It's a long list. If you choose to ignore my reasoning, prepare to make it up to us with sex.

6. Borrowing his clothes without asking because menswear is in! - This is allowed only while you are still on the premises and can only be used for seductive purposes. You may request one T-shirt to remove from the premises to use as a sleeping garment. Under no circumstances is any article of clothing to be removed without the guy's express written consent. I feel very strongly about this.

7. Clogging up his shower drain with your long hair - This is generally acceptable to most guys, it is just part of dating a girl. Again you should have sex with us to make it ok.

8. Painting your nails in his presence and suffocating him with the fumes - Acceptable only if we are the ones painting your nails for you in a sexy manner (this counts as foreplay). Otherwise, keep that toxic shit away.

9. Needing to stay up late finishing the last Stieg Larsson book when he just wants to go to bed - Here's a little secret...after sex we like to sleep. With this logic in mind, have sex with us and then you can stay up all night if you want, we'll sleep through it.

10. Throwing away his nastiest pair of shoes that he loves for no reason - Do this under no circumstances. We like old shoes, they can be reminders of a game we played in them or whatnot. You are not just throwing away shoes, you are throwing away memories. If you throw out our old shoes we will throw out your new shoes to get even.

11. Calling him by your ex’s name. So long as it’s not during sex - Just remember that turnabout is fair play on this one. You know that ex of ours that you measure yourself against? There is really no reason for this to happen. This is precisely why smart people in relationships call each other "babe" and "you".

12. Using up all of his shaving cream to shave your straggly pube hairs - If it means that you can avoid any sort of crotch chaos or legs that could sand a 2x4, have at it. We pretty much hate shaving and you are giving us a license to grow scruff.

13. Replacing his perfectly good bar soap with jasmine-scented “body wash.” - This is too stupid to comment on, you should know better. Under no circumstances should we have to smell like Jasmine, unless your name happens to be "Jasmine".

14. Googling his ex-girlfriend to see what she looks like. And then maybe hunting down her Facebook too - You can google or Facebook anyone you damn well feel like, just be prepared to find something you might not like (we did not date ugly people before you came along). You also have no right to take it out on us should you find something that upsets you. And this by no means signifies we want to hear anything about your ex.  

15. “Accidentally” deleting some old-school World Series game he recorded on the Yankees Classic network so you could have room on the DVR for new episodes of “General Hospital” now that Brenda Barrett is back! - This is punishable by death. You should try to have sex with us to make us forget about it, but we cannot promise it will ease the pain. In short, do not delete anything off the PVR without first consulting.  

16. Innocently sitting down at his computer and scanning the subject lines of the messages sitting in his Gmail inbox. It’s not like you hacked into his email or anything. It was there - If you're like most women, we are lucky if you don't hack into our email accounts. If we leave it open it is perfectly OK for you to peruse the subject lines. Under no circumstances are you to click and open a message.

17. Making him watch that awesomely gay Miley Cyrus lipdub “Party in the USA Fire Island,” like, 20 times - No amount of sex in the world makes this OK. It just is not going to happen. One second thought, if you tell us to go on a guy's weekend in Vegas we might watch it once.

18. Complaining about your friend’s annoying behavior but then getting testy with him when he dares criticize her too - You're a woman, you will complain about things. Especially friends. Guys are the same way in the way that we make fun of our friends. It's allowed as long as we are the ones doing it, but if someone else does our loyalty kicks in and it is no longer OK. Besides, when you talk about your friends we will likely ignore you anyways and just try to nod on cue.

19. Replacing his white flour pasta with whole wheat - Chances are that if we have put up with the other shit on this list, whatever you do to our pasta is the least of our concerns.

20. Cheating on him with Ryan Gosling - Just remember that this allows us to have that threesome with Jessica Biel and Brooklyn Decker (we also get to videotape this to prove to our friends that it happened).

That is all for this time around folks and remember to always wear clean underwear.