Put Your Clothes On Please, This is Not the Mandarin

2010 is in full swing and with that I have a renewed dedication to physical fitness. I take the stairs two at a time, I try not remain on a first name basis with the employees at fast food places, and I've been going to the gym more frequently than normal. I'm getting absolutely huge (ie. if I stand in one place for a long time people no longer try to hang their coats on me). I am also reasonably certain I could successfully wrestle a grizzly bear for a salmon if it came down to it.

Why am I filling you in on my health habits you ask? Well going to the gym means going to the locker room. It's easily one of my least favourite places in the world. There are just way too many nasty sights to behold in there. One fat, hairy, naked body is more than enough to endure seeing, but you are lucky if it is not more than 5 at a time. I'm all about being confident about your body, but don't be walking around for 5 minutes in a room full of other guys with your nasty junk hanging out. Please refrain from walking the dog. If I see a Smurf house in Santa's beard once more I may vomit.

For the most part the patrons refrain from excessive nudity for prolonged periods of time and I am thankful for that. Last week I went to the gym, changed, did my workout and went back into the locker room to change back into my street clothes. When I re-entered the locker room I saw this fat old naked guy at the lockers across from my locker. He was just chilling out and seemed in no hurry to get dressed. A bit strange on its own, but nothing compared to what he did next. To my surprise, he reached into his gym bag (I figured he was done resting up and was reaching for clothing, but I could not have been more wrong). He pulled out a banana. Yes, a banana. Keep in mind this is a fat old naked man in a room full of other men. Who the heck eats ANYTHING in a locker room? I could see a Powerbar maybe, but fresh fruit? I've never had to replenish my potassium levels THAT bad. I don't think there is enough hand sanitizer in the world to make this seem like a good idea. It took me roughly 10 minutes to change and this guy was still there naked and eating his banana. It was truly bizarre. That would have been odd enough if that was all that happened, but I assure you that was not the end.

The next day I went back to the gym and followed my same routine. I changed, worked out, then changed back into my street clothes. The same fat old naked guy was there again. You may be asking yourself "Was he eating a banana again?" and the answer to that would be no. This time around he decided to go with celery sticks and Cheez Whiz! For a moment I was legitimately wondering if I was on Candid Camera, Just For Laughs or something. Let's look past the fact that this snack provides little nutritional value. Celery sticks and Cheez Whiz takes some preparation time. Did he prepare his snack knowing that he would be naked while eating it? I don't get it and perhaps I am better off not knowing. The point is that this old bugger has single-handedly made me change my workout schedule to avoid him. I wanted to go up to him and say "What the hell man, do you think this is a nude restaurant?? The only restaurant this is is Pho-King PUTYOURPANTSON!", but alas I did not. He is likely there even today eating carrots, baguettes and cream cheese for all I know.

Stupid fat old naked people ruining my world.