Put Your Clothes On Please, This is Not the Mandarin

2010 is in full swing and with that I have a renewed dedication to physical fitness. I take the stairs two at a time, I try not remain on a first name basis with the employees at fast food places, and I've been going to the gym more frequently than normal. I'm getting absolutely huge (ie. if I stand in one place for a long time people no longer try to hang their coats on me). I am also reasonably certain I could successfully wrestle a grizzly bear for a salmon if it came down to it.

Why am I filling you in on my health habits you ask? Well going to the gym means going to the locker room. It's easily one of my least favourite places in the world. There are just way too many nasty sights to behold in there. One fat, hairy, naked body is more than enough to endure seeing, but you are lucky if it is not more than 5 at a time. I'm all about being confident about your body, but don't be walking around for 5 minutes in a room full of other guys with your nasty junk hanging out. Please refrain from walking the dog. If I see a Smurf house in Santa's beard once more I may vomit.

For the most part the patrons refrain from excessive nudity for prolonged periods of time and I am thankful for that. Last week I went to the gym, changed, did my workout and went back into the locker room to change back into my street clothes. When I re-entered the locker room I saw this fat old naked guy at the lockers across from my locker. He was just chilling out and seemed in no hurry to get dressed. A bit strange on its own, but nothing compared to what he did next. To my surprise, he reached into his gym bag (I figured he was done resting up and was reaching for clothing, but I could not have been more wrong). He pulled out a banana. Yes, a banana. Keep in mind this is a fat old naked man in a room full of other men. Who the heck eats ANYTHING in a locker room? I could see a Powerbar maybe, but fresh fruit? I've never had to replenish my potassium levels THAT bad. I don't think there is enough hand sanitizer in the world to make this seem like a good idea. It took me roughly 10 minutes to change and this guy was still there naked and eating his banana. It was truly bizarre. That would have been odd enough if that was all that happened, but I assure you that was not the end.

The next day I went back to the gym and followed my same routine. I changed, worked out, then changed back into my street clothes. The same fat old naked guy was there again. You may be asking yourself "Was he eating a banana again?" and the answer to that would be no. This time around he decided to go with celery sticks and Cheez Whiz! For a moment I was legitimately wondering if I was on Candid Camera, Just For Laughs or something. Let's look past the fact that this snack provides little nutritional value. Celery sticks and Cheez Whiz takes some preparation time. Did he prepare his snack knowing that he would be naked while eating it? I don't get it and perhaps I am better off not knowing. The point is that this old bugger has single-handedly made me change my workout schedule to avoid him. I wanted to go up to him and say "What the hell man, do you think this is a nude restaurant?? The only restaurant this is is Pho-King PUTYOURPANTSON!", but alas I did not. He is likely there even today eating carrots, baguettes and cream cheese for all I know.

Stupid fat old naked people ruining my world.

Speak (like the Devil) and Spell (like a fiend)

Recently, while engaged in a nostalgic conversation about my childhood, I remembered my favourite childhood toy. They were simpler times then, I was but a wee little boy (approximately 7 years old) with a thirst for knowledge. The only gaming system was Atari. We actually played outside. You could play outside all day without sunscreen and just get a gradual tan. We had 3 channels on TV. Getting cable and the movie channel were monumental events in my life. From the time I was about 3 to 7, I WAS the remote control for the TV. That was how I learned my numbers (the TV had a rotary dial that went from 2-13). We finally got a TV that had a remote control when I was 7 or so. There was a monthly magazine that served as a guide for the movies playing that month on the movie channel and I always memorized it. I went Rain Man on that thing. My family just asked me what movies were on and I could tell them the title, storyline and if it had scenes of violence, coarse language, or nudity (I always giggled if it did).

This Christmas toy may very well have changed my life. Considering that I am now a writer by trade, it likely played an important part in making this a reality. The toy was a Speak and Spell. For those unfamiliar with this wonderful invention, it basically spoke to you in an evil robot voice and said "SPELL ______!!". I couldn't get enough of it. I went through batteries like they were going out of style, to the point where my parents had to buy me a plug in for it. I cannot stress enough how completely psychedelic the voice on that thing was. I'm lucky I didn't grow up talking like a demon child with a speech impediment. Click on the link, and see for yourself. Now picture the easily moulded mind of a child spending hours a day listening to that voice. It's a miracle in itself I didn't go up to other kids and say "SPELL DODECAHEDRON!!...INCORRECT!". My spelling skills were enhanced beyond belief and I was able to excel on spelling tests in school, quietly accumulating an awe-inspiring collection of "scratch and sniff" stickers. Later on in high school we had a gym teacher that scratched his crotch a lot and he was nicknamed "Scratch and Sniff", that irreparably tainted my affectionate recollection of my sticker collection. I can specifically remember my mom making me spell "carbohydrate" in front of almost anyone that came to the house when I was 7 years old ("Michael come show Thelma what a good speller you are!") and I did my little spelling show like a trained monkey. I was a decent proofreader by the time I was 10 years old. To this day I tend to notice spelling mistakes like a hawk (one of my friends unjustly calls me a "spelling nazi"). I owe this all to a $70 toy bought back in 1984. Thank you Speak and Spell, you've changed my life...

"Your last blog kind of sucked a little. Step it up a notch"

Over the weekend I was talking to a friend of mine that reads the blog and she casually informed me that my "last blog sucked a little and to step it up a notch". I won't lie, my initial reaction was to tell her I hoped her crotch was infected with termites and her arms too short to scratch. Then I realized she had just expected more from me and I had let her down. Then I felt bad. I went back and read it and yeah it did suck. There's nothing like a good old fashioned call out to make me go all Die Hard with a Vengeance up in here...I was just thinking how I haven't had any good inspiration for a blog lately, well colour me inspired. I'm seeing red. I'll have you know that my blog has been shown to cure cancer in lab rats, granted the clinical trials are still in the early stages and it is unknown if the rats actually had cancer to begin with. It is the preferred blog for 4 out of 5 dentists (those Sensodyne dentists are sooooo damn sensitive...).

So here it is for your reading amusement, another tale of dating from the long, sordid story of dating known as "The Dickie Memoirs". I'm still waiting for the book deal to come through, you might want to hold off on checking Amazon.com or Chapters anytime soon. I'm holding out for a million dollars and they're currently offering $5. Negotiations have stalled but I am confident they are just playing hardball. Actually they have never returned my emails or calls, but it is just a matter of time...

I was out at a pub with my roomate Teeder and we were having a few drinks just enjoying the Irish atmosphere and happy to be out of the apartment. The band was good and the night just had a great feel to it. We were telling each other jokes and laughing in our typical fashion when I registered some eyes on me. I don't usually trust my spider senses but this was unmistakable. I did a quick survey around the room and spotted the culprit. It was an attractive girl of slightly below average height with golden blonde hair. Her hair seemed to glow and had these really cute curls. I was intrigued. So I employed my unique and unfailing rules of engagement. In other words, I just looked in her direction once in a while and did my best to not look creepy. And by unfailing, I mean it works about 10% of the time. We generally looked at each other and smiled for about an hour. I'm quite shy around strangers and approaching girls in a bar is not my style, but for whatever reason I was inspired to go up to talk to her and her friend. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take right? You gotta be in it to win it? Pick a cliche and it likely passed through my mind.

I walked up, surprisingly cool, and I introduced myself. We chatted and kind of hit it off. It was close to closing time and I asked for her number, she gave it. I called her and was going to ask her out but she had to work. She invited me to come by the pool hall she worked at. I called my friend Awall and asked if he was up for some pool. He accepted the offer. We went to the pool hall and she set us up with a table. I noticed this woman at the bar that looked as if she is just killing time between bingo games. I tend to make a note of all the patrons in a public place just in case I need to get out in a hurry and I like to have mental notes about anyone that may cause trouble. She was noted. Not because she would cause trouble mind you, but in the case of a fire she may slow people down because she forgot her lucky bingo dabbers. These are the things I notice.

We played pool and the girl came back once in a while to check on us, we flirted a little. I suck at interpreting flirting, so maybe she just had something in her eye. On a side note, Awall is one of my best friends and we always have a some good laughs. He once picked me up and when I got in the car he was really excited so I asked him why. He explained that he just went to the bank machine and that it gave him some brand new $5 bills. He then told me that he thought he would put them away and keep them cause they might be worth something some day. I looked at him in total disbelief and said "Yeah they will, $5". He gave me a look like a kid that just found out there was no such thing as Santa Claus. Another time my mom was taking us both out for dinner and the waiter took our orders and he told Awall the choices of potato available with his meal: baked potato, mashed potatoes, and fries. Awall just replies in a quiet voice "potatoes". I nearly spit out my water. These events are so infamous now that when he does something stupid I just say "$5" or "potatoes" and we both laugh hysterically. Maybe this is a geography joke and you just needed to be there. I find it imperative to point out at this time that Awall did not drink or do drugs like you may assume. Interestingly enough he was along for a lot of my failed dating "adventures". But I digress, that is another blog entry...

So we finished playing pool and we were walking up towards the bar to pay for the game and to say goodbye. Awall was watching intently to see how I was going to mess up the goodbye like I have a tendency to do. Out of the blue the Bingo woman speaks up and calls me over. At this point it becomes obvious to me that the Bingo woman knows the girl and they have talked about me a little. Something was amiss and I could sense it. As I walked over to the woman I got the feeling it was a bad idea. As soon as she opened her mouth to speak my suspicions were confirmed. She knew I was trying to impress the girl and had it in her mind to use me for her enjoyment. Normally I would have declined what she said, but I was feeling a bit surly that evening. There was a group of 8 people (half guys, half girls) that were sitting on couches around the fireplace discussing sex and she was listening to what they were saying. She had a few objections to what the guys were saying and she wanted to voice her opinion. She would never do this but since I was approximately the same age as the group, she thought it would be great to have me voice it for her. She laid out the plan by saying "If you go over to that group and tell them you've heard what they were saying and just have to give your opinion that it's all about the girl, nothing else matters, it's just about the girl" I'll buy you and your friend a beer". She said it that way but what I actually heard was "Do this if you want to not seem like a total dork in front of this girl you're trying to impress". This request doesn't seem like a terribly big deal, but for someone decently shy like I can be, it was a big undertaking.

At this point I will say that women make men do stupid things all the time. I assume that is how the Olympics began way back when, it was originally just two guys trying to outdo each other over a woman.

In a moment of extreme bravery or total stupidity, I walked over to this group and they noticed me approaching. They were obviously wondering what the hell I was doing. Awall sat there at the bar laughing his ass off because he knew I was totally out of my element. With all eyes on me I opened my mouth and surprisingly the words came out fairly clear and confidently "Excuse me, but I couldn't help but overhear the conversation you're having and I just have to say, it's all about the woman for me, if she's not happy I'm not happy either". The guys looked at me like they wanted to kill me and the girls looked like they were quite interested in whatever else I had to say at this point. One of the girls said "All guys say that, but few of them know what the hell they are doing" and I replied "I was a boy scout, I never go into the woods unless I am familiar with the territory or have a good map. I've never gotten lost in the woods, and one time I tamed a wild cougar...". The guys stared at me with dirtier looks and the girls' smiles got a little bigger. I took that as my cue to exit stage left and I thanked them for their time and walked back to the bar. Bingo woman was smiling ear to ear like she just got an O-69 to complete the dreaded 4 corners game, the girl was smiling sheepishly at me and Awall was laughing and called me an idiot. The Bingo woman tried to order me a beer but I told her it was not necessary because I didn't do it for the beer while I smiled at the girl behind the bar.

I didn't end up dating the girl from the pool hall, but this helped me in overcoming my fears of looking foolish in front of people and likely spurred on a few blog worthy events down the road. It seems like a small blip on the radar, but it was the beginning of a new improved Dickie. Stay tuned...