A Plethora of Bad Ideas

Many blogs ago I took some quotes from the movie Cocktail and wrote about them. I've decided to bring that back and see how it goes, I welcome feedback whether it be positive or negative. By now I assume you have all seen the Hangover. What I propose to do is talk about current events and to tie it somehow to a quote from the movie. Bare with me as it will be a work in progress and could totally suck. I do guarantee you your money's worth...

Stu: "Am I missing a TOOTH?? I look like a nerdy hillbilly!!" - Dedicated to the Slap Chop/ShamWOW guy. We've all seen this guy on TV. I have to question the idea of having a guy that allegedly slapped and chopped a prostitute in his hotel room as your pitchman for a product called the "SLAP/CHOP". The essence of the story is that he was kissing her and she bit his tongue and wouldn't let go. Read the article for yourself here. Maybe watching Pretty Woman has given me the wrong impression of hookers, I always assumed there was no kissing. In my mind both parties should want to enforce that rule. I want to know more about this, like whether he introduces himself as the "ShamWOW guy" and whether she had a sense of humour about him soliciting her and said "pay within the next 15 minutes and I'll throw in a ____ free! (just pay the extra shipping and 'handling')"? These are the important issues and I am just left wondering...

Stu: "What do Tigers dream of when they take a little Tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras or Halle Berry in her Cat Woman suit?" and Alan: "Tigers love Pepper. They hate Cinnamon" and Phil: "F*ck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn Tiger!!" - Dedicated to Tiger Woods of course. Now I'm not saying what he did was alright, but Elin should have seen it coming. I don't know Tiger Woods, surprisingly I don't know anyone who has slept with him either (or will admit it, although some of my friends are suspiciously driving brand new expensive cars recently), but I knew all I needed to know about him by typing "Do Tigers mate for life?" into Google and getting the following answer "Some do and some don't". So right there it doesn't sound good. Throw in the fact that he makes like a billion dollars and the odds of him not cheating go down exponentially. Now he has reportedly checked into sex addiction therapy and from the look of some of the women he was allegedly with, I believe it was a cry for help and he wanted to get caught. The best thing about the second quote is that Pepper and Cinnamon sound like really ugly stripper names (and coincidentally most of the women that have talked about him have looked like ugly strippers). I think his entire P.R. team should be fired. If I were Tiger Woods I would have embraced the infamy and made fun of myself. An example of how I would act if I was indeed Tiger Woods (I mean he was caught, at least have some fun with it):

Reporter: "Tiger is it true you have had extramarital relations with upwards of 12 women?"
Me as TW: "Yes, it is. I blame myself for getting caught up in my own name. I believed I was a TIGER. Sometimes I would wake up and I would have to remind myself I was not actually in the JUNGLE man. What's your name? Mike? You have no idea what it's like, you don't have the nickname of a wild jungle cat. Come back to me when you've become the most famous person in the world at anything and you've legally changed your name to Hyena or Panther. Next question?"

Reporter: "Are you worried you will lose half of your wealth because of your infidelities?"
Me as TW: "I'm Tiger Woods, I'm worth a billion dollars. If Elin takes half, I'm not starving, I'm not shopping at Walmart or Giant Tiger. Sure I lost some endorsements, but I am currently in contract negotiations with Trojan (a Tiger striped condom) and Blackberry (a phone that will have fingerprint recognition). And in case you've all forgotten, I'm pretty damn good at golf. I'm Oprah RICH."

Reporter: "What do you regret most about everything that has gone down?"
Me as TW: "Are you kidding me? Did you see some of these women?? I regret the ugliness of the women."

Reporter: "Did you think you'd get caught?"
Me as TW: "No, and I wouldn't have if it weren't for those pesky kids and that dog...Roooby Doooby Doo(Scooby Doo reference). Does anyone know Britney's number??"

Stu: "If anything, we should get a reward" Alan "Yeah...a reward or a trophy!" - Dedicated to the lesbian that left a lesbian party and decided to drive home intoxicated. She called 911 and reported herself. Lesbian: "I'd like to report a drunk driver" 911: "Are you behind them?" Lesbian: " I AM THEM" 911: "Excuse me? You're what? Lesbian: "I AM THEM".

Stu: "You are literally too stupid to insult"
Alan: "Thank you." - Dedicated to the couple in Romania that tried to have a child for 11 years and were unable to. Upon going to a fertility specialist it was discovered they were taking the road less travelled all those years. Robert Frost would have been proud.

Until next time, may fortune smile upon you all...