Love it...

What!?
Posted by Matthew Good on January 27, 2010
I hope she’s not talking about her breasts…

…because I care. Unless, that is, they cost the Province $6 billion smackeroos.

-From matthewgood.org

I mean anytime you have the opportunity to spend $6 billion dollars to probably lose a few billion in return, don't you make that investment every time??

In unrelated news I am finally rid of my VW Jetta. I no longer have to internally debate the morals of leaving it unlocked in Scarborough overnight. I honestly think the real reason I didn't do this is that it would have been suspicious with me laughing so hard while reporting it stolen. Let the Acura Era begin, the bar has been set low.

A Plethora of Bad Ideas

Many blogs ago I took some quotes from the movie Cocktail and wrote about them. I've decided to bring that back and see how it goes, I welcome feedback whether it be positive or negative. By now I assume you have all seen the Hangover. What I propose to do is talk about current events and to tie it somehow to a quote from the movie. Bare with me as it will be a work in progress and could totally suck. I do guarantee you your money's worth...

Stu: "Am I missing a TOOTH?? I look like a nerdy hillbilly!!" - Dedicated to the Slap Chop/ShamWOW guy. We've all seen this guy on TV. I have to question the idea of having a guy that allegedly slapped and chopped a prostitute in his hotel room as your pitchman for a product called the "SLAP/CHOP". The essence of the story is that he was kissing her and she bit his tongue and wouldn't let go. Read the article for yourself here. Maybe watching Pretty Woman has given me the wrong impression of hookers, I always assumed there was no kissing. In my mind both parties should want to enforce that rule. I want to know more about this, like whether he introduces himself as the "ShamWOW guy" and whether she had a sense of humour about him soliciting her and said "pay within the next 15 minutes and I'll throw in a ____ free! (just pay the extra shipping and 'handling')"? These are the important issues and I am just left wondering...

Stu: "What do Tigers dream of when they take a little Tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras or Halle Berry in her Cat Woman suit?" and Alan: "Tigers love Pepper. They hate Cinnamon" and Phil: "F*ck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn Tiger!!" - Dedicated to Tiger Woods of course. Now I'm not saying what he did was alright, but Elin should have seen it coming. I don't know Tiger Woods, surprisingly I don't know anyone who has slept with him either (or will admit it, although some of my friends are suspiciously driving brand new expensive cars recently), but I knew all I needed to know about him by typing "Do Tigers mate for life?" into Google and getting the following answer "Some do and some don't". So right there it doesn't sound good. Throw in the fact that he makes like a billion dollars and the odds of him not cheating go down exponentially. Now he has reportedly checked into sex addiction therapy and from the look of some of the women he was allegedly with, I believe it was a cry for help and he wanted to get caught. The best thing about the second quote is that Pepper and Cinnamon sound like really ugly stripper names (and coincidentally most of the women that have talked about him have looked like ugly strippers). I think his entire P.R. team should be fired. If I were Tiger Woods I would have embraced the infamy and made fun of myself. An example of how I would act if I was indeed Tiger Woods (I mean he was caught, at least have some fun with it):

Reporter: "Tiger is it true you have had extramarital relations with upwards of 12 women?"
Me as TW: "Yes, it is. I blame myself for getting caught up in my own name. I believed I was a TIGER. Sometimes I would wake up and I would have to remind myself I was not actually in the JUNGLE man. What's your name? Mike? You have no idea what it's like, you don't have the nickname of a wild jungle cat. Come back to me when you've become the most famous person in the world at anything and you've legally changed your name to Hyena or Panther. Next question?"

Reporter: "Are you worried you will lose half of your wealth because of your infidelities?"
Me as TW: "I'm Tiger Woods, I'm worth a billion dollars. If Elin takes half, I'm not starving, I'm not shopping at Walmart or Giant Tiger. Sure I lost some endorsements, but I am currently in contract negotiations with Trojan (a Tiger striped condom) and Blackberry (a phone that will have fingerprint recognition). And in case you've all forgotten, I'm pretty damn good at golf. I'm Oprah RICH."

Reporter: "What do you regret most about everything that has gone down?"
Me as TW: "Are you kidding me? Did you see some of these women?? I regret the ugliness of the women."

Reporter: "Did you think you'd get caught?"
Me as TW: "No, and I wouldn't have if it weren't for those pesky kids and that dog...Roooby Doooby Doo(Scooby Doo reference). Does anyone know Britney's number??"

Stu: "If anything, we should get a reward" Alan "Yeah...a reward or a trophy!" - Dedicated to the lesbian that left a lesbian party and decided to drive home intoxicated. She called 911 and reported herself. Lesbian: "I'd like to report a drunk driver" 911: "Are you behind them?" Lesbian: " I AM THEM" 911: "Excuse me? You're what? Lesbian: "I AM THEM".

Stu: "You are literally too stupid to insult"
Alan: "Thank you." - Dedicated to the couple in Romania that tried to have a child for 11 years and were unable to. Upon going to a fertility specialist it was discovered they were taking the road less travelled all those years. Robert Frost would have been proud.

Until next time, may fortune smile upon you all...

When Cougars Attack...

While brainstorming about possible blog topics on the way to Wendy's I thought of a somewhat amusing topic. Older, aggressive women that try just a little too hard...aka "the cougar". You will not see a special anytime soon on the Discovery Channel about these cougars though. One of my best friends back home was even nicknamed the "Cougar Tamer", these women usually were drawn like magnets to him and he was not opposed to "getting to know" them. It was hilarious watching it happen while out at a bar, it was like watching the Rainman guessing the number of toothpicks on the floor. After the fact I would always ask "why do you like the cougars?" and he would always reply "I could look at it like it is a gift or a curse, I choose to view it as a gift". It's hard to argue with that logic.

I'm not opposed to somewhat older women, but cougars are not my thing. They terrify me just a little and usually look a little "weathered". They tend to be too openly aggressive and don't like taking no for an answer. It is not in my nature to be openly rude so I have a hard time getting away from them.

I was out at a dance club when I was 22 with my roommates when we saw this woman (henceforth referred to as the "cougar"). She was noticeably drunk even though it was fairly early in the evening. She seemed to be visibly causing a commotion everywhere she went in the club. We found a table and sat down, away from the dancefloor and started telling jokes and just having a good time. I had my back to the main walkway in the club and my roomates started to look at me with a look best described as trying not to laugh mixed with perverse horror. It took me a split second to piece together what could possibly be causing this look ...just as I felt my stomach start to lurch at the thought of it, I felt the leathery hands grab at my face from behind me. I quickly spun away from the hands and turned to face the violator...It was like staring into the face of the medusa. She was at least 40, looked like she was a refugee from some small town legion, smoked two packs of Marlboro's a day without the filter (you could see the smoking creases in her lips - something I personally find hard to resist), was wearing acid washed jeans with white sneakers, makeup looked like it was applied with a paintball gun, and her dyed blond hair might have been dried by jumping out of an airplane. I was completely horrified. Apparently she took my look of horror another way (or perhaps she just saw the moment of weakness) and the next thing I knew she had me by the face and was coming at me trying to kiss me. I've had dogs try to bite my face and my neck muscles have never lurched my head away as quickly as they did at that point. Thank goodness for the fight or flight reaction we are born with as it would have possibly scarred me for life had she kissed me. Her breath reeked of stale liquor and cigarettes, it was worth whatever risk of self induced whiplash I subjected myself to in order to avoid her. I'd never been manhandled before and I was not loving it and was not sure how to put an end to it. So I did what any of you would have done...I pointed to one of my roomates (who was laughing and enjoying the show) and told the cougar "He said you were HOT and was hoping you'd come over here..." (sure I threw him under the bus, but in all fairness he was the oldest in the group and the closest to her age). His smile and laughter quickly ended as she made her way towards him and grabbed his face as well. I have to admit, that was hilariously funny to watch when it it wasn't happening to me. Even with some advance notice she was able to grab his face and sort of graze his lips before he got away. We later taunted him incessantly that he didn't make it away cleanly because deep down he kinda liked it. She harassed him for about 5 minutes until he pushed her off on the other roomate. She was a firm believer in the face grab and tried it on all three of us. Eventually one of the bouncers felt sorry for us (after laughing at us for a while) and came over. He told her to get herself together or she'd have to leave. She seemed to snap out of her attempted makeout frenzy for a moment, gathered herself, sighed and gave us all a look as if to say we had embarassed her in some way, then walked away. It'd be a funny enough story if it ended there, wouldn't it? Oh but I assure you it did not end there...if only it did. Thinking back on it now, I see how this night caused lives to be changed and destinies to be altered forever...it was the butterfly effect, the domino effect and just plain old bad timing all rolled into one.

The reason I went out that night was the possibility of meeting up with a girl I had a huge crush on. I liked her for almost a year and never had the nerve to ask her out. I met her when she worked at Footlocker at the mall. I ended up buying tons of shoelaces and sweatbands just so I could flirt with her. She started working at a clothing store and I started shopping there. She'd suggest clothing for me and I would buy it. I remember buying one pair of particularly ridiculous pants because she told me they looked "hot". By this point she would hug me when we met, and hug when I left. Big progress. She had a smile and a cuteness that just made me grin like an idiot. Anyways, it seemed like it was just a matter of time until the angels smiled down on us and we dated...WRONG...WRONG...

So, you're asking what the hell this has to do with the previous story? Well I will tell you just exactly what it has to do with it. After the cougar slinked back into the bar and hopefully out of our lives forever, we joked around about the events a little and how she almost got us. Scary stuff. Remembering that alcohol is a natural disinfectant I decided to walk up to the bar to get a drink. I ordered my drink and someone to my left grabbed my wrist. To my delight I looked over and saw it was the girl from the mall and she has one of those smiles that just makes me stutter a little. The wrist grabbed turned into a hand holding. I totally forgot about the traumatic cougar events for the time being and just looked at that smile while she kept holding my hand. All too abruptly I realized that someone was putting their hands in my front pockets. She could tell by the look on my face that something was horribly wrong. It was precisely at that moment that it hit me that if there was a hand in each pocket but she was holding one of my hands in her hand, there was no way it was her hands in my pocket... I let go of her hand, took the hands out of my pockets (they were holding my money at this point) and turned to face whoever it was. Of course it was this demon bag lady from hell with a huge smile on her face. I grabbed my cash out of her hands and told her nicely to leave me alone. I turned back around and saw that the girl was no longer smiling and was looking at me with a "what the hell was that all about?" look on her face. The next thing I knew the cougar was beside me and the girl and said to me "I sen yo to da ba to buy us a dwink and I see you talkin to this b*tch??", while she unsuccessfully attempted to grope me. The girl looked at me with a look of undisguised disgust, turned around and walked away. The cougar stumbled away laughing to herself. I stood there wondering what the hell just happened and wishing I might spontaneously combust. Unfortunately I did not.

You are likely thinking that I exaggerated the part about destinies being altered and lives changed...you would be wrong my friend. Later THAT night, the girl ran into a friend who introduced her to her friend (a guy). She ended up dating this guy, marrying this guy and moving away. The guy had a bit of a drug problem and unfortunately she ended up with one as well. Last I heard they were divorced and she had moved back to NB and had gotten her life back on track. It all could have been possibly avoided if not for the cougar attack that given night catastrophically changing the course of events forever. When cougars attack, the fallout can be immeasurable. Be careful out there...they are among us. I will now set myself on fire for reliving this tragedy in my mind...

I heard on the radio that there is now a female sex robot that can be purchased for the low price of $7,000 - $9,000. It comes with 5 different personalities, I'm not even going to touch that one. I also question the resale value...