I used to play on a co-ed softball team in Fredericton for like 6 years. It was loads of fun, we all got to be good friends and would party together sometimes on the weekends. Usually the girls and I would end up going out to the local dance bar and dancing it up. Inevitably we would see some douchebag dancing somewhat foolishly and thinking he was hot stuff. I'd be feeling no pain at this point and I would exclaim to the girls "He looks like he needs a DANCEOFF!". Only the guy would not know he was in the danceoff. That was the beauty of the event and made it that extra bit funnier. I would slowly make my way out on the dance floor as the girls watched and laughed. I'd end up in the vicinity and I would start dancing like the guy but with my own modified moves. The girls would be laughing so hard and the guy would eventually clue in and slink away. This occurred numerous times over the years, it was almost a tradition. Softball party - drunk - bar - danceoff - victory. After a while I rightfully claimed my "undefeated" status and I would always say "Still Undefeated!" as I made my way out onto the dance floor. Let me just say that I am living proof that Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine were right when they said eventually, no matter how long you hide, "the rhythm is gonna get you"...
During one of these softball parties my drink of choice was Jim Beam bourbon. To say it flowed easily was an understatement, I tore through my bottle in record time. Keep in mind that these are Maritimers and when you are finished your bottle of booze that is no reason to stop drinking. They see it as a great opportunity to see just how much you can drink. It's not a party until someone passes out or falls in the fire. The host of this party saw that my glass was empty and almost immediately filled it with rum and coke (80% rum from what I can remember). Luckily I was outside when I took a drink. The girl standing in front of me (Shauna, about 5'8 tall) was not as lucky when I took that first drink, my mouth rejected it and I proceeded to spray it in her face. Shauna looked at me with the liquid streaming down her face as it slowly dawned on her what happened. At this point I would like to remind people that revenge is NEVER the answer. Her reaction surprised me. She calmly took the drink from my hand, sipped from it and then spit it all over my shirt. Thinking it ended there I tried to control my laughter and considered myself super lucky in that exchange. For Shauna it did not end there, it for sure didn't...(obvious foreshadowing)...
A year later a couple from the team were getting married and we were all invited to the wedding and the dance later. The wedding dance was taking place in the ballroom of a hotel in the city. (To further understand the Maritime mentality we all decided to throw in money on a hotel room. You may be asking yourself how we were all going to sleep in the same room and that would be a fair, but incorrect assumption. The hotel room was just for our booze, I'm not sure if anyone at all even ended up sleeping in the room). On this given night I had chosen Jagerbombs and beer as my weapons of mass destruction. I had never tried Jagerbombs before, but how could mixing Jagermeister and Rockstar possibly go wrong? After a few trips back to the room for drinks and socializing I noticed it was getting hard to walk. The energy drink was kicking in and I was so hyper it was ridiculous. I literally had to focus on slowing my feet down and not running. This got progressively harder to do after a few more trips to the room. Did it slow me down? No it most certainly did not.
Estimating the crowd at about 200 people, I knew about 20-25 of them. The DJ was playing a wide selection of tunes and people were dancing. I was talking to some friends up on the side of the dancefloor when I heard the DJ on the microphone. It was precisely at this point that I noticed Shauna slinking away from the DJ with a devilish grin on her face. The DJ says "It has come to my attention that we have a competitive dancer here tonight. It seems this guy likes to have danceoffs with people and has never been beaten. Since he has never been beaten he will have to have a danceoff with himself. Come on up here Mike and let's see what you got". I am usually not one that craves a lot of attention. If I do want attention I want it on my own terms. Dancing in front of about 200 people by myself in no way, shape or form is on my terms. This was absolutely mortifying to me. Luckily I had the perfect storm of liquor and hyperactivity coursing through my veins and before I knew it I was walking onto the dancefloor. I was ready to take on the world. If I was going to make an ass of myself, I was going to do it in epic proportions.
The music started and immediately I recognized the familiar beat. The first thing I thought was at least I know the song and I was relieved it wasn't "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. "U Can't Touch This" blared from the speakers and I brought out my tried and tested moves. As I have stated before, it is hard to believe but I have had no formal dance training. The crowd was getting behind me, clapping and cheering me on (this is how I remember it anyways and nobody can tell me different). Eventually I was running out of my own moves so I brought out the "rolling the dice", I did the water fountain, I mowed the lawn. Let me tell you, that is one long ass song. I was dying. Luckily about this time people started coming on to the dancefloor and dancing off with me. The bride's father came out first and I made short work of him. The next guy was the bride's grandfather (a fan favourite - the old guy had the odds stacked in his favour, not only is he like 86 and dancing at his grand daughter's wedding (come on you know you are going "Awwwww"), but he has moves from like 1920-1975 or so). He's breaking out the knee wags and the twist, honestly he could have just tapped his foot and clapped and the crowd would have cheered for him. I was like a boxer getting repeatedly smacked in the face and on the ropes. It didn't look good for me. Luckily when all hope appeared to be lost and I was going to lose to an 86 year old man he remembered he was 86, promptly ran out of gas and had to sit down. Thanks for coming out. You gotta stay in it to win it. A few other people came out to challenge but I had caught my second wind and kept knocking them down. Finally the song ended and the crowd clapped for me. I even put my arms over my head in victory. Did I almost lose to an 86 year old man? Yes. Is it a cheap win because I won on stamina alone over an old guy? Debatable. Do I still claim undefeated status? You're damn right I do. A year later my roomate (also the best man at the wedding) said my performance was "legendary". Sadly there are only a few pics and no video to support this though. Use your imagination, it was legendary.Moral #1 of the story...if you give someone a rum and coke shower, they just calmly spit rum and coke back on your shirt - DON'T ASSUME THAT IT IS OVER. I can't stress that enough. Moral #2...with the right blend of questionable alcohol and energy drinks, you can talk yourself into believing almost anything is a good idea.
I have attached the video inspiration for the "rolling the dice" move. I had seen the preview for the movie before the wedding and mentally added it to my repertoire of dance moves. I never dreamt it would be what ultimately saved me in the danceoff. Later when I saw the movie in theatre I laughed out loud at the "but it's ALL he has!" part. I was the only one laughing, but I am fine with that. Stay thirsty my friends. It is quite possible I might lose my mind here in NB and this could be my last post. I'm just warning you.
