This may very well be my final blog post ever. It is very possible. One week from today, Dickie and crew will be embarking on an epic adventure to Las Vegas. The crew consists of 7 other people, and the trip is in honour of the one and only Joe Long Show's 30th birthday. Guns will be shot, tigers may be found, strippers will be avoided and buffets will be destroyed. Hopefully I make it back alive. Last time I was there it was during my own birthday a few years ago and there are many things I don't remember much at all. This time around I am older and wiser, but will it make a difference?? Stay tuned.
Here is it for your reading enjoyment, back by popular demand, another installment from the Dickie Dating Files. This one takes place about 3 years ago, give or take...
Through the years I have dabbled a bit in the phenomenon of internet dating. I've had some positive experiences and met some great friends in the process, but conversely I have met some totally insane people. I'll let you decide what category this particular incident falls into. Let's begin...
This girl emailed me on one of the sites and the email was very well written. She knew the difference between "they're, their and there". That is always impressive. We conversed. She looked a lot like Julia Roberts with the long curly hair and such. I'm not much of a Julia Roberts fan, but there are worse celebrity women to look like. She told me about how she had met some guys lately and they all sort of disrespected her and got a little too friendly too fast. I assured her I was nothing but a gentleman and I would not disrespect her. She suggested we meet up for drinks and I agreed. She said she wanted to come to my area and I picked a pub just down the street from where I lived. It worked out well since she was taking the subway and I lived literally next door to the subway station.
The time came and I walked over to the subway station to meet her. Let's just say that it became painfully obvious why her previous dates got a little too friendly-too fast the minute I saw her. She was dressed like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman. The hooker version. It was at this point that I remembered that I had never asked her what she did for a living and she very well could have been a hooker. I was genuinely worried. From the neck up she was a pretty girl, from the neck down - trashy. It's been 3 years since this happened and I still have the image burned into my retinas. She had a "Flashdance" looking shirt on, worn off the shoulder, only it was really long and it doubled as a dress. There may or may not have been a short skirt under there, but it is pure speculation either way. Black stockings came out from under the Flashdance sweater-dress and disappeared into the thigh-high black boots with the 4 inch heels. It seemed odd to see someone dressed like this out in public without a Def Leppard song in the background. As I stood there speechless she latched onto me and hugged me. I managed the ass-out hug and immediately tried to plot my way out of this date. It was about a 5 minute walk to the pub and I was terrified I would see someone I knew.
We made it to the pub and literally had to walk all the way through the entire place to get a table. Perhaps I was a bit paranoid or perhaps EVERYONE did look at me with disapproving looks. I was with Julia "Hooker" Roberts afterall. We got a table and she ordered us a pitcher of beer. I drank my first beer at a medium. The strange part was that this girl actually sounded half sensible and could talk intelligently about a number of different topics, but her style just totally betrayed her IQ. We discovered a mutual interest in the Guitar Hero game (this comes into play later). So surprisingly we are having a good conversation when all of a sudden her flood gates open and she starts spewing out how she moved to Panama with her ex and then he took her money and left her there. She had only known him for a few months but he seemed like a real straight shooter...Her parents sent her enough money to get back to Canada and since then she has had a hard time trusting guys...oh really??? She then goes on to tell me how the last few guys she has met have borderline assaulted her. At this point I am guzzling my beer to the point where it is spilling out the sides of my mouth in an effort to pull the ripcord on this date. If I could have pushed a button that would have shot my chair 10km away instantaneously and at my possible demise I would have pushed it. The next thing that happened cannot be emphasized enough, and it shows without a doubt that the universe indeed loves toying with me. The theme song from Pretty Woman ("It Must Have Been Love" - by Roxette) came on the speakers in the pub. Now I will ask you the last time you have ever heard that song in a pub? If your reply is anything other than "Never!", you're almost definitely a damn liar. She decides to play the "Guess what I do for a living?" game. I will transcribe as best as I can from memory how this played out as well as my thoughts in parentheses. It might not be verbatim, but it is damn close.
Her: "So guess what I do for a living, you'll never guess..."
Me: "You should likely just tell me so I don't end up offending you"
Her: "No! Come on guess...I'll give you a hint...All of my clients are men"
Me: (oh no she's totally a hooker) "Dental hygienist?"
Her: "No, another hint...I get paid in cash"
Me: (refusing to look her in the eyes at this point) "Rickshaw driver??"
Her: "No...I work at the airport..."
Me: (hooker, hooker, hooker) "No idea, really..."
I'm not exaggerating when I say that by then I was debating the pros and cons of stabbing myself in the hand with my fork just to get out of there. I decided to just wait it out and not wound myself. Once the pitcher of beer was gone the waitress came by to ask if we wanted another but I quickly said no, just the cheque.
Her: "I shine shoes and I am really good at it because I massage their feet while I shine"
Me: (get me the hell out of here please before I throw up in my mouth) "Oh that is cool! Cheque please!"
On the way back to the subway station she grabbed on to my arm and walked arm in arm with me. I made a little small talk about how long the subway ride was. Just as we got to the subway station, she said "Hey, don't you live right around here?" and I replied "Yes, decently close I guess". She said "You should invite me in for a drink and we can play Guitar Hero!", and I replied "Oh geez, I think my roommate will likely be watching TV and I don't have any drinks". It was then that she went in for the kiss and nearly got me, but my quick reflexes saved me and I gave her the cheek. DENIED! I'm not Richard Gere, get off me! I bid her adieu and sent her on her merry way. I thought that it was obvious that I was not interested and that would be the end of that. WRONG.
The next day I got an email from her saying that she thought I was a super nice guy, but she didn't think I was her type. Ya think?? I guess she let me down easy. She will always be the one that got away...and yet I keep breathing.
As some of you know, I have been sick with a cold most of this week. Here for your enjoyment is a snippet of an msn convo with my mom who assumes every sniffle is the plague. She cracks me up. Enjoy.
Mike says: I have a cold.
Mom says:
You want to be careful. They are saying there is a real nasty one going around. Similar to H1N1. If you aren't feeling better in the next day or two you better go to the emergency.
Mike says:
I'll be fine
Mom says:
You are so damn stubborn. This new strain is affecting the younger generation, your age and younger. There are two cases in NS. They had to be put on respirators.
Mike says:
oh my god, two cases in all of Nova Scotia, I should reserve a respirator just in case
If you want to get out alive
