Merry belated Christmas to everyone. I hope you had a great time with your friends and families. Ideally good times were had by all. I went home in early December this year since the flights home at Christmas time were ridiculously priced. This was the first Christmas I didn't make it home at least for Boxing Day. Yes, shed a tear for me - I want you to.
I got invited to go to Montreal with my bestest friends to meet up with their friends and spend the holidays together. Great idea! I'm was going to be the best 5th wheel ever...We made it there late on the 23rd and I slept on the couch in the basement. Fairly comfy and I was tired enough at that point to be able to fall asleep anywhere. I didn't totally fall into a deep sleep because I was paranoid of rolling over too far and falling off the couch. The next night (Christmas Eve) I was presented with the option of the inflatable air mattress. I jumped at the opportunity to be able to stretch out. I used the automatic pump to inflate it in about 5 minutes. It was all blown up and looked dreamy, comfortable and spacious. I crawled into my sleeping bag (I came prepared) and settled in for a relaxing night's sleep with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. All was well until around 8am when I woke up in a panic on my side because I couldn't really move. The room was pitch black and I couldn't tell why I was so constricted. Upon further investigation I realized that the air mattress had deflated a fair bit and all the air was out at the sides trapping me in a V-shaped air mattress-o-death. It was at precisely that moment I was reminded that I am in fact single for Christmas and that having a girlfriend would have the added benefit of evening out the air mattress so at least it would deflate on both sides, allowing me to sleep longer before hitting the concrete. Being the glass-half-full find of guy I am I decided to look at the hole in the air mattress as the gift of a built in alarm clock. Looking at the situation now I could have achieved the same thing with some sort of counterweight.
Christmas night I had the bright idea of sleeping on the floor with the 2 large couch cushions as my bed. Again I fell asleep decently fast but woke up not long after when the couch cushions separated and my hip bone was rubbing directly on the concrete floor. It was at precisely that moment that I pondered the advantages being overweight and having a layer of fat between my hip bone and the floor that would cushion my hip and allow me to sleep longer. I quickly realized that I could not gain 50 pounds on the spot by sheer will alone. I laughed when I thought about my ex (that gained like 80 pounds over three years) and how she would have been able to sleep through this. I sighed and pushed the cushions back together and a few hours later I woke up in the same predicament. Being stubborn and half asleep, instead of coming up with a better solution I just kept pushing them together and slept for a few hours at a time for the rest of the night.
All in all it was a great trip aside from the weather while we were there. Good friends and good times. Yesterday on my drive home I saw four people over the age of 50 jogging (or at least a sad attempt at jogging) in the -20 windchill. One poor guy's face was an awful shade of red as if it might explode. It almost made me feel lazy by not running or going to the gym in a while, but then I decided running would not be fully enjoying my body's naturally high metabolism. I decided to celebrate it by drinking coke, eating Triscuits and playing Xbox instead...Happy New Year!
My first New Year's experience in Toronto was memorable (and a bit mentally scarring) to say the least. I did not yet know many people here in the big city and my options were limited. I had made friends with a girl from NS (Maria) and she invited me along to share in the NYE festivities with her and a group of her friends. I figured it was a good way to get out and have fun as well as possibly make some new friends.
The evening starts out as expected with drinks at Maria's with a couple of her friends. We have a few rounds and discuss where we're meeting the rest of the group. A pub just down from Bloor and Bay St. is the meeting spot for the evening. The night has a positive aura happening and the good times are rolling (people have commented that all my blog entries involve alcohol...and I reply that I don't need alcohol to have a good time. I can also start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but isn't it that much easier with a lighter?).
We get to the bar at around 10pm and meet up with the other members of our party. I take my place at our table and sit on the side facing the door. We have a few more rounds and we're all enjoying ourselves, so much so that I do not take notice of the other clientelle in the bar. This crazy looking guy came in (looked like the lead singer of Econoline Crush - see picture to the left), noticed me and came directly toward our table. I look up and this guy is coming at me with the fist bump. I thought the guy was just hammered and being festive so I bump fists with him. I am not a fist bump snob, perhaps I should be. He leaves the table and continues on into the bar. He is mostly forgotten by the time I see him walking by again eyeing me in a peculiar way. The next thing I saw was him talking to the hot girl across the table from me (I was hoping the alcohol would give me enough courage to talk to her eventually). She looks at me and smiles, then shakes her head and the crazy-eyed guy walks away again. I am wondering what the heck the guy was talking to her about and what he said to make her smile. She smiles at me and leans over the table then motions me to come closer as well. At this point I am thinking 2008 is going to be a great freaking year. She whispers in my ear "That guy wanted to talk to you, but he was shy so he asked me if you were single and/or straight? I said I thought you were single and straight but I'd find out for him". Apparently the look on my face and the noticeable dry heave made it obvious she would not be playing the part of homo-cupid this evening. She looks a little disappointed. Then she reassures me I do not seem gay but "in this city, you always have to ask". I begin to feel a bit better about the situation and less violated by the visual assault I was getting earlier from the freakshow.
Hot girl seems to have taken a bit of a liking to me and we are conversing a little. At this point we both look at our watches and notice that it is 12:10am and that the bar did not even do a countdown. What the hell? What bar does not do a countdown on New Year's Eve?? I start to question what type of establishment we are in. Our table does our own staged countdown at about 12:15am and hot girl gives me a peck on the cheek. Life is good, 2008 seemed to be a keeper already. And then I got up from the table to go to the men's room...
I walk into the room and there are three empty urinals. Naturally observing urinal etiquette I choose the one furthest to the right to allow the one urinal buffer zone to be preserved should someone else walk in. Sure enough someone comes in and he clearly breaks the urinal code by taking the middle urinal next to me. This makes me uncomfortable. I stare straight ahead but I get this overwhelming feeling of being watched. I think it's just that I'm still rattled by the earlier turn of events. I can't shake the feeling. I glance over a bit and notice the guy is definitely not looking straight forward. I look further over and the guy is not only breaking urinal etiquette, he is looking straight down at my downtown bonanza. He was like a fat kid looking at an ice cream cake. Having never encountered such behaviour before I was not sure how to proceed. I made the uncomfortable cough noise (the "what the hell are you doing?" cough). At this point he looked up at me and smiled. I give him the "what the hell is wrong with you?" face and he just keeps smiling back. I get the hell out of that bathroom like someone threw a live grenade in there. It hits me that this may all just be a bad dream, or maybe I have stumbled into the twilight zone or something.
I slowly make my way back to our table and immediately the ghostly look on my face causes people to ask me if I'm ok, what happened, why am I so pale?? I have a small audience as I recount the events of the visual molestation I received in men's room. The people at my table laugh at my hardship but I am a bit traumatized and not yet able to find the humour in this strange turn of events. I begin to look around at the other clientelle in the bar and to say they are odd is an understatement of epic proportions. A mixture of guys in pink shirts or blouses of some kind (as Charlie Murphy says "You know where you got that shirt and it sure as hell was not the Men's Department"). The other perhaps odder element were the number of chubby 50 something year old women with the makeup that looked like it was applied from short range with a paint gun. These two worlds were intermingling and making perhaps the strangest scene I have ever seen. I've always wanted to try Abscinthe and I imagine it might cause me to hallucinate something more normal than this. I could not bid that place a not-so-fond adieu fast enough. This experience almost made me reconsider my move to Toronto. I thought maybe people here were a bit too in your face for my liking. Somehow we ended up in Chinatown for chinese food so the ship was righted.
Moral of the story: do some background checking on the meeting location if you're going out with a group of people you don't really know. Also even if you are openly gay, you should still follow the rules of urinal etiquette (look straight ahead!). Consider this a public service message.
Yes I am writing a blog on a Saturday night. Yes I am in NB. Yes I am wondering what the hell made me think two trips home in two months was a good idea and how I thought that my sanity could take it. Yes I just saw two young women and a maybe 8 year old daughter each carrying a 12 pack of Budweiser in the liquor store (when the cashier asked what they were doing tonight they replied "oh just running the roads!"). Yeah I either want booze or a gun. I think I need to write an entire blog just about my hometown and fill you all in on just how amazing it is that I am not a complete freakshow. I'm sure that blog is coming down the road, I just need to let it simmer a little before sharing.
I used to play on a co-ed softball team in Fredericton for like 6 years. It was loads of fun, we all got to be good friends and would party together sometimes on the weekends. Usually the girls and I would end up going out to the local dance bar and dancing it up. Inevitably we would see some douchebag dancing somewhat foolishly and thinking he was hot stuff. I'd be feeling no pain at this point and I would exclaim to the girls "He looks like he needs a DANCEOFF!". Only the guy would not know he was in the danceoff. That was the beauty of the event and made it that extra bit funnier. I would slowly make my way out on the dance floor as the girls watched and laughed. I'd end up in the vicinity and I would start dancing like the guy but with my own modified moves. The girls would be laughing so hard and the guy would eventually clue in and slink away. This occurred numerous times over the years, it was almost a tradition. Softball party - drunk - bar - danceoff - victory. After a while I rightfully claimed my "undefeated" status and I would always say "Still Undefeated!" as I made my way out onto the dance floor. Let me just say that I am living proof that Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine were right when they said eventually, no matter how long you hide, "the rhythm is gonna get you"...
During one of these softball parties my drink of choice was Jim Beam bourbon. To say it flowed easily was an understatement, I tore through my bottle in record time. Keep in mind that these are Maritimers and when you are finished your bottle of booze that is no reason to stop drinking. They see it as a great opportunity to see just how much you can drink. It's not a party until someone passes out or falls in the fire. The host of this party saw that my glass was empty and almost immediately filled it with rum and coke (80% rum from what I can remember). Luckily I was outside when I took a drink. The girl standing in front of me (Shauna, about 5'8 tall) was not as lucky when I took that first drink, my mouth rejected it and I proceeded to spray it in her face. Shauna looked at me with the liquid streaming down her face as it slowly dawned on her what happened. At this point I would like to remind people that revenge is NEVER the answer. Her reaction surprised me. She calmly took the drink from my hand, sipped from it and then spit it all over my shirt. Thinking it ended there I tried to control my laughter and considered myself super lucky in that exchange. For Shauna it did not end there, it for sure didn't...(obvious foreshadowing)...
A year later a couple from the team were getting married and we were all invited to the wedding and the dance later. The wedding dance was taking place in the ballroom of a hotel in the city. (To further understand the Maritime mentality we all decided to throw in money on a hotel room. You may be asking yourself how we were all going to sleep in the same room and that would be a fair, but incorrect assumption. The hotel room was just for our booze, I'm not sure if anyone at all even ended up sleeping in the room). On this given night I had chosen Jagerbombs and beer as my weapons of mass destruction. I had never tried Jagerbombs before, but how could mixing Jagermeister and Rockstar possibly go wrong? After a few trips back to the room for drinks and socializing I noticed it was getting hard to walk. The energy drink was kicking in and I was so hyper it was ridiculous. I literally had to focus on slowing my feet down and not running. This got progressively harder to do after a few more trips to the room. Did it slow me down? No it most certainly did not.
Estimating the crowd at about 200 people, I knew about 20-25 of them. The DJ was playing a wide selection of tunes and people were dancing. I was talking to some friends up on the side of the dancefloor when I heard the DJ on the microphone. It was precisely at this point that I noticed Shauna slinking away from the DJ with a devilish grin on her face. The DJ says "It has come to my attention that we have a competitive dancer here tonight. It seems this guy likes to have danceoffs with people and has never been beaten. Since he has never been beaten he will have to have a danceoff with himself. Come on up here Mike and let's see what you got". I am usually not one that craves a lot of attention. If I do want attention I want it on my own terms. Dancing in front of about 200 people by myself in no way, shape or form is on my terms. This was absolutely mortifying to me. Luckily I had the perfect storm of liquor and hyperactivity coursing through my veins and before I knew it I was walking onto the dancefloor. I was ready to take on the world. If I was going to make an ass of myself, I was going to do it in epic proportions.
The music started and immediately I recognized the familiar beat. The first thing I thought was at least I know the song and I was relieved it wasn't "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. "U Can't Touch This" blared from the speakers and I brought out my tried and tested moves. As I have stated before, it is hard to believe but I have had no formal dance training. The crowd was getting behind me, clapping and cheering me on (this is how I remember it anyways and nobody can tell me different). Eventually I was running out of my own moves so I brought out the "rolling the dice", I did the water fountain, I mowed the lawn. Let me tell you, that is one long ass song. I was dying. Luckily about this time people started coming on to the dancefloor and dancing off with me. The bride's father came out first and I made short work of him. The next guy was the bride's grandfather (a fan favourite - the old guy had the odds stacked in his favour, not only is he like 86 and dancing at his grand daughter's wedding (come on you know you are going "Awwwww"), but he has moves from like 1920-1975 or so). He's breaking out the knee wags and the twist, honestly he could have just tapped his foot and clapped and the crowd would have cheered for him. I was like a boxer getting repeatedly smacked in the face and on the ropes. It didn't look good for me. Luckily when all hope appeared to be lost and I was going to lose to an 86 year old man he remembered he was 86, promptly ran out of gas and had to sit down. Thanks for coming out. You gotta stay in it to win it. A few other people came out to challenge but I had caught my second wind and kept knocking them down. Finally the song ended and the crowd clapped for me. I even put my arms over my head in victory. Did I almost lose to an 86 year old man? Yes. Is it a cheap win because I won on stamina alone over an old guy? Debatable. Do I still claim undefeated status? You're damn right I do. A year later my roomate (also the best man at the wedding) said my performance was "legendary". Sadly there are only a few pics and no video to support this though. Use your imagination, it was legendary.
Moral #1 of the story...if you give someone a rum and coke shower, they just calmly spit rum and coke back on your shirt - DON'T ASSUME THAT IT IS OVER. I can't stress that enough. Moral #2...with the right blend of questionable alcohol and energy drinks, you can talk yourself into believing almost anything is a good idea.
I have attached the video inspiration for the "rolling the dice" move. I had seen the preview for the movie before the wedding and mentally added it to my repertoire of dance moves. I never dreamt it would be what ultimately saved me in the danceoff. Later when I saw the movie in theatre I laughed out loud at the "but it's ALL he has!" part. I was the only one laughing, but I am fine with that. Stay thirsty my friends. It is quite possible I might lose my mind here in NB and this could be my last post. I'm just warning you.
This is one of the funniest videos I have ever seen. Anytime you can watch a childhood icon smoking crack and crying in a tub it's a good thing in my book. Bonus points since it's a freaking Muppet. Enjoy.
Back in NB I worked at a sporting good store and to say it was slack was an understatement. One of my best friends (AWALL) worked there with me in the footwear section and my roomate (Teeder) at the time worked down at the other end in the hockey section. AWALL coined the phrase "Oh you like it don't ya??" and it soon became part of our regular vocabulary. I'd be eating a chocolate bar and AWALL would say "Oh you like your chocolate bar, don't ya???". The phrase had universal appeal and could be applied to almost anything. We found it funnier than we should have I would say. It had a surprisingly long shelf life as well, I'm talking years here. Finally AWALL and I gradually decided to let it go with the occasional resurrection here and there with hilarity ensuing. The key to the continued enjoyment was the infrequency of use. Teeder didn't quite get this concept and he kept saying it all the time, generally to mixed reviews. He refused to let it die. Teeder and I had a few guests over on a Friday night and the drinks were flowing quickly. There were likely 15 people in the group and we decided to hit the pub downtown so we all set out on foot for the 10 minute walk. Teeder and I were walking along cracking jokes and all of a sudden I spot this guy crossing the road up ahead with a girl on each arm. Upon further inspection I noticed that the girls are quite attractive and the guy has a mullet. Yes, a mullet. Let me repeat, a mullet. The guy is fiddling with his car keys at the driver's side door and these girls are hanging off him like he is Brad Pitt. As I am about to walk by his car on the passenger's side he seems to notice me staring at him in disbelief and our eyes lock. I yelled out "OH YOU LIKE YOUR MULLET, DON'T YOU?!?!". What happened next was a domino effect of epic proportions. #1) The guy took a step back as if my words struck him upside his face and it just suddenly dawned on him that he did indeed have a mullet. I'm sorry, but you know when you look in your mirror if you have a mullet. If you leave your house with a mullet, expect drunken or sober ridicule. #2) The girls let go of his arms and took a step back from him, looked him up and down and seemed to suddenly realize that he indeed has a mullet. At this point they appear to understand they were that close to getting into a car with a guy with a mullet. The looks on their faces turned quickly from smiles to disgust as they continued to back away from Mullet Boy. I followed up my original comment with "It's Friday night and your mullet's TIGHT!". That fully completed the knockout. Maybe it was a bit too much overkill for the poor fellow but I like to go the extra mile. By this point the girls have totally deserted the guy and are hurriedly walking away down the street, occasionally looking back to make sure their eyes have not deceived them.
At this point we are well past the guy and Teeder is doing everything but peeing his pants laughing. He can literally hardly walk. He just keeps mumbling "Oh you like your mullet don't you??" over and over and wheezing. To this day he still brings up that night when we talk. Just a typical night in my life back in the day, right time-right place. For the mullet guy, wrong place-wrong time. But in all honesty, there is never a good time for a mullet...
It's funny how fast time flies by when you measure your life in blog entries. It's a bit scary as well, I blink and two weeks go by. Sorry to leave you all hanging awaiting the next entry, I will do my best to edutain (educate + entertain) you. I present to you some random thoughts...
You came into my life 3 years ago One week in I said "No, no, no..." You've been a letdown in so many ways Less than 365 days to go...
You make too much noise when I ride you easy The cost to have you stop makes me queasy I can't wait until you are out of my life I will replace you in less than a week easy breezy.
You almost got me into a 3-way with Asians I got caught up in the reservations But they could not afford to have you And now I am paying the reparations
I know this is not what I deserve I'm starting to despise your every curve Just the thought of you spurs anger and spite I'm talking about my Jetta, ya perv...
(refer to the countdown on the right, I'm very proud of this!)
The other day I was going through the Wendy's drive-thru and I ordered my combo. The woman asked me if I wanted to upgrade my combo to "Small", "Medium" or "Large" size. Wait, hold on a second dearest Wendy's worker...If I can "upgrade" my combo to "Small", what the hell size does it come in normally?? Miniscule? If I don't upgrade to Small do I get one fry and a shot glass of iced tea? It is amazing, yet sad, how much time I have spent pondering this.
I was talking to my insurance company the other night to obtain a quote on a potential new car. She informed me I could likely save money if I got tenant's insurance as well as it gives a considerable discount when you have auto and home insurance. In a moment of genius I ask her if my home insurance protects me against the Kool-Aid man? There is a prolonged silence on the other end of the phone. Doesn't everyone know that the Kool-Aid man smashes through walls? I spent the next 5 minutes telling this woman that I was just kidding and didn't intend to smash a hole in my wall or drink Kool-Aid for that matter.
Why can't Canadian airline companies put the actual rates on the website? If I get an email telling me I can fly to Atlantic City for $8, I expect to hand the ticket agent a $10 bill and get change. This is not the case though. They advertise a fare of $8 and when all is said and done (improvement fees, "taxes", etc) you are lucky if you get on the plane for less than $100. I saw a fare of $29 each way from NB and back and I ended up paying almost $300. It doesn't seem to be the same way for US airline websites, what you end up paying is reasonably close to what is advertised on the site. I don't understand...
Rogers is not 100% evil as I previously believed, it is about 99.5% evil. There is at least one person working for the company that doesn't have his head up his butt.
This is one of the funniest videos I have seen in a long time. First off the woman seems to be a runner herself so she should know where the running takes place. I could somewhat understand if she was just a random person that looks like she didn't belong there. Prime example, I am a ball player, I know enough to not wander into the space between the pitcher and the catcher before a pitch...The best part is that it seems like someone is definitely yelling at her to warn her and that just further distracts her from what is coming. BOOM! Just imagine if that was Usain Bolt hitting her, and then he just stood over her and did his pose...Ahhh it depresses me cause I know it will never happen. The funny part is that he could have likely run her over and still won the race.
As always please consult your doctor if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours.
Last night I was watching the latest episode of Californication (one of my favorite shows) and there was an awesome line, "I'm like flypaper for the emotionally disturbed". I started laughing - a lot. It immediately became my MSN name. The more I thought about it the more I realized just how much it pertains to me and the laughs subsided a bit. Within about 10 minutes 4 different girls on my contact list assumed the quote was legitimately about them. All of my long term relationships have been with girls that seemingly are a bit short of a full deck. They seem great at first but over time the cracks in the foundation become more and more evident. I've often wondered why I attract these types of women and how I can stop it. The trouble is that I am usually too caught up in things to notice the subtle signs from the start and next thing I know I am wondering how I let another one in. It's gotten to the point where my mom has given up trying to marry me off and instead says "Maybe you should just stay single for a while, I feel bad for ya". Yes you read that correctly, my mom has given up on me meeting a sane girl and instead tells me to stay single.
Of course I have to wonder if the girl is fine and perhaps it is me that causes the occasional drift from sanity? It is entirely possible. I can see how I might grate on someone after a while, but for the most part I am quite agreeable. So this cannot be the reason, I am pretty awesome really. I support sanity, I do not degrade it. Do I just have a magnet that the disturbed girls are attracted to? Perhaps I will never know.
I lived with a girlfriend in 2nd year university, as much for necessity as anything (we had separate rooms). She was going to university too and lasted about 2 weeks before she started missing classes and staying home to watch daytime TV. I would leave for school at 8am and she would still be in bed sleeping. I would come home around 4pm and she would be on the couch (usually still in her housecoat) watching some ridiculous talk show. Whatever, everyone is free to ruin their lives if they want to. I just knew I was paying for school and I was going to get through it. I had tons of midterms and whenever I tried to study for them she would want to lay right on me and I found it very disturbing and hard to study. One midterm I was especially worried about and stressing about so I told her I was going to study in my room. She got very upset about this. I went into my room and sure enough, 15 minutes later my door opens and in she comes. I inform her that I am focused on studying and I need time alone. She does not want to leave my room. I politely ask her to give me some time to study as I can't afford to do poorly on the midterm. She starts crying and slams my door. I have no idea what is going on but I have to study. 30 minutes go by and again she comes in. I tell her I still have to study. Again she leaves and slams the door. I lock my door. 30 minutes later I hear scratching noises at my door and I can't think of what it could possibly be. Meanwhile my other roomate and my buddy from upstairs are watching TV on the couch in the living room watching this all take place. She is actually outside my door with a butterknife trying to pick my lock. Needless to say the relationship did not last long after that and she got kicked out of school.
A little while after that I was out at a club with my friends and met a girl. She was attractive and seemed fairly nice. We exchanged numbers and went out once. I got a bit of a weird vibe from her so we only hung out once (she wondered aloud what color our children's eyes would be and if we would keep living in the city after having kids). I told her I didn't think it was going to work out. In the coming weeks I started seeing her most places I went to. I would go to a bar and she would show up, I would be out to eat and she would walk by the window. Fredericton is a small city but those were a few too many coincidences for comfort. One night I was out with my two roomates and we were having a few drinks. A cougar at the bar was harassing us so I decided to get away from the situation and left to go home. I got home, showered and laid on my bed, quickly falling asleep . I woke up at like 7am and I looked over and this girl is laying with her head on my chest (fully clothed, thank goodness) and I am fully clothed. I've never jumped up so fast in my life. I asked her what the hell she was doing there and she said that I shared a cab home with her. I told her I was decently sober when I came home ALONE and to try again. She told me a few other lies and I eventually kicked her the heck out of the apartment. I later found out that she was sitting on the front step of our apartment building when my roomates came home and she told them I had called her to come over. That's totally normal non-stalkerish behaviour. She actually called me that day to ask if I wanted to go shopping with her and I told her to stay the heck away from me. She either gave up at that point or she got better at hiding, perhaps I will never know. Years later I would get a Facebook friend request from her saying "I finally found you!". Yeah ummm denied.
Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall for each other. Boy and girl move in together and get a dog and live happily ever after. Not quite. Girl apparently cannot distinguish between dreams and reality. One night we are sleeping and then around 3am she wakes me up abruptly. I manage to ask her what is wrong, if someone is in the house or something? She informs me she had a bad dream about me. I tell her to relax it was only a dream and to go back to sleep. At this point she shakes me rather violently awake again and tells me to go out to the couch, she can't sleep beside me after this dream. I say "You know this was a dream right? Not reality? I've NEVER actually done anything bad to you, ever and you know this". She replies "Get out of this bed, right now!". I tell her I will compromise and sleep as far away from her on the bed as I can at which point she starts to do a fairly decent Bruce Lee impression and physically KICK me in the back and out of bed. I pick myself up off the floor and look at her like she is the girl out of the Exorcist. It wouldn't have surprised me much if her head starting spinning around. Even the dog sighed at her judgementally as he accompanied me to the couch. A few days later my landlord was down in the apartment fixing the washing machine and I said "Hey, can I run something by you just to see if it's normal? You're married, have you ever heard of anything like this?" I proceed to tell him the story and he stares at me in disbelief and asks me if I am joking. I assure him I am not. He tells me this is definitely not normal and to keep my eyes open for further signs of psychosis. Oh there were plenty more. Eventually I got out of that one as well. Around 6 years later I would get an email on Facebook saying "I finally found you!". DELETE. Upon further inspection I discovered she had been emailing my sister in law for a few weeks before and was engaged. That makes total sense why she was so happy to have found me...not so much.
Fairly recently I went on a date with a girl and we got along really well. It was a very simple date but we had a good time. The next day I had an especially busy day at work and then two games of softball after that. I talked to her the day after and I could tell that she was a bit down. I asked her what was wrong. Girl: "I'm just feeling depressed. My summer is ruined". Mike: "What happened? Why is your summer ruined?". Girl: "You didn't call yesterday". Mike: "Come again??". Girl: "You ruined my summer". I think there might be some chance she is joking with me and somehow we get past that. We hang out again. She then informs me she doesn't think I am making her a priority and that "I've been crying since I met you!". It was around that time that I pulled the plug on that situation. Thanks for coming out, crazy don't live here no more.
I wonder what it is about people that makes them act in such a manner without being provoked. I can understand some crazy behaviour if you are fighting or if someone has genuinely done you wrong, but not in these situations. Maybe I should feel special that I can cause such passionate actions in people. More often than not though it just makes me shake my head and wonder where the hell that came from. I'm like catnip to the crazy kitties of the world. I'm sure I will experience more as time goes by and just maybe I will learn whether I am the magnet or the instigator...
“You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy.” - Charles Manson.
"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." - W.C. Fields.
Approaching a woman is a hard thing to do for a guy and the truth is most of us have no idea how to do it. The funny thing is that if we actually find a way that works once, we will almost definitely try it on every other girl we want to talk to from that point onward. Sad but true. It is best to be creative if possible but it is not always easy.
Here are some of the methods I have heard used...
In the club...huge range of tactics, varying degrees of success.
Some guys will stare from across the room and hope to catch the girl's glance and maybe even a smile. This can backfire if you stare too long, that is super creepy. The key is to not stare too long, catch the glance and smile and then look away. If you get the smile back you at least have a fighting chance and the girl might even welcome conversation. If she gives you the finger or a dirty look, pull the eject button on this mission. If you persist you might get blown out of the sky, or worse. Low risk, low reward with this method.
Buying the lady a drink. Do not expect a grand gesture in return. Ask her what she is drinking, if the girl is drinking a water do not buy her a shot of tequila (creepy). If she is drinking a glass of wine, do not send her a beer. Do not offer someone half of your beer, even if it is the top half (not as romantic as you might think). It also helps if you can talk to her a bit before offering to buy the drink. Do not offer to buy her a drink if it is an open bar (minimally funny and lame). Relatively low risk, slightly higher reward potential and potentially expensive.
Commenting on a commonly seen occurrence. Perhaps there is a guy wearing ballhugger jeans or a wearing a fur hat, perhaps a girl wearing a jean belt or showing way more skin than she should for someone that size...this is a good chance to start up a conversation and playfully poke fun (showing off your stellar sense of humor). Asking the girl to settle a debate by offering her opinion on something is also a good idea. Medium risk, good chance of success.
Some guys are brazen enough to just grab a girl's butt, or use some ridiculously vulgar pickup line. Does this ever work? Apparently it does once in a blue moon. These guys either think they are cool enough to pull it off or just really don't care that there is little to no chance of it actually turning out well. I lump these guys in the same group of guys that wear sweat pants to the mall, they've given up on life. If you're going to use any pickup line it had better be original and funny. Huge risk, minimal chance of success.
On the brightside I think that girls tend to initiate conversations more at clubs now than they have in years past. I don't go out much but one of the last times I was in a club I was getting a drink at the bar and a girl started talking to me. We chatted for a bit and I went back to my friends. Next thing I knew she was dancing behind me on the dancefloor and I felt something on my pocket. I was pissed wondering who the heck was trying to lift my wallet. Turns out the girl put her card in my back pocket. Girls have it so easy, I was flattered but if I had done the same thing to a girl I might have got slapped in the face or told off. I really believe the best thing you can do is just walk up to someone and say "Hi my name is ____, I like your face. Can I buy you a shot of Tequila? I like your hair, I can only imagine what it looks like tussled about. I have to question what kind of girl surrounds herself with girls way less attractive than herself. Would you like to come back to my place for a cinematic adventure? I have all Lord of the Rings movies on Blu-ray". How can that possibly fail?
I present you with the second installment of random thoughts floating around in my mind. These are things I may or may not spend much time thinking about, but they nonetheless pop up and steal away some brain power from time to time...In no particular order here they are:
The site http://www.feedthepig.org/ is nowhere near as fun as you'd think it would be based on the name alone. Quite disappointing actually. I feel like writing them a letter telling them they have wasted a potentially great website name.
Obama delays his promise to gays. Basically up to this point "gay" people are not technically "allowed" in the US military. However, many of them have joined and are serving and there is generally a do not ask, do not tell kind of mentality surrounding it. Obama has promised that he would lift the ban on openly gay people in the military and it is taking longer it should. The way I look at it, if someone is foolish enough to volunteer to get shot at they can do it wearing a pink tu-tu, a fur hat, with a tattoo that says "I'm Gay!" on their forehead listening to the Village People for all I care. It takes a special kind of person to go into a career knowing it may cost them their life, if that person happens to have a lisp and frosted tips, so be it.
I wish I could go into the bank and order oversized cheques, like the ones you used to see when someone won a million dollars from Publisher's Clearing House. I would use them to pay my rent. It would be fantastic watching my 100lb Portuguese landlady struggling to make it out the door with it, fitting it in her backseat, to take it to get it cashed. There's no depositing that in the bank machine. Besides, they just look cool. You could get a cheque for $2 and feel important for a few minutes.
If you ever get a chance to ride in a time machine and you are going to the future, would sticking your arm out the window turn it into a fossil?
Have you ever been more into the "idea" of someone more than the actual person?
This one is kind of gross but I will say it anyways. Animals such as dogs have different blood types. Do different breeds of dog have different blood types? Do vets yell out "I need 2 pints of cocker-poo STAT!"? I could likely Google that but it is more fun to wonder.
Do you ever have dreams where evil Teletubbies take you hostage and keep making those messed up noises they make at you? Yeah me neither...
Am I the only person that finds it very alarming that the people who definitely should not be having kids seem to be procreating at an alarming rate? Smart people seem to stop having kids after 1 or 2, but the Jerry Springer types think 4-6 is a good number. Need proof? Go to Walmart.
We all look for it, it is elusive and sometimes incredibly hard to find, but most people agree it is a necessity...the all important CHEMISTRY (aka SPARK), not to be confused (but aided by sometimes) alcohol.
I intend to discuss the following three types of chemisty: social, physical and relationship and relate my own brand of commentary on it. You may disagree, and in that case you would be wrong but you can disagree nonetheless. I welcome your views on the subject and you just might be able to enlighten me. I think I know a fair bit on the subject but I am the first to admit I do not know it all.
The first item on the agenda is social chemistry. You know what I mean, you have those people you just get along great with. I am lucky enough to have several people in my life that I can run into at any given time and be almost in tears laughing with within a short amount of time. The people you work well with, the people you watch movies, sports or TV with, people you can talk on the phone for hours with, the people you can go on an 8 hour roadtrip with, the people you can go months without speaking to but pick up right where you left off with. These people are different than the people you can tolerate or are indifferent to. They could also be referred to as "friends" perhaps. Some people disagree that you can have this kind of chemistry with people of the opposite sex without it being something more but I whole-heartedly disagree as I have many friends like this. This type of chemistry can sometimes morph into the other kinds of chemistry but for the most part it stays where it is.
Physical chemistry is a bit more than just attraction and can go all the way up to sexual chemistry. The most basic form of it is when you are out in public or watching TV and you see someone. Before you even realize it your brain has sent signals to your body about whether you find that person attractive or not. If you are attracted your body temp will spike ever so subtly, your pupils dilate and your lower lip may even swell a small amount. It's amazing when you think about it, before you even think to yourself "this person is cute", your body has already expressed interest or indifference. In person the pheromones kick in as well. It's a very complicated process. I believe some people just vibrate at the same frequency and when you are near those people you just pick up on it either consciously or subconsciously. You're just DRAWN to them. You just have that electricity, that primal level grrrr. I think that is how a lot of people end up in bad relationships and how it is so hard for them to get away once they are in it. You know the person is not compatible with you on so many important levels but you just can't resist that pull, you can't quit them. When people date they are always looking for this type of chemistry on some level. That pull to see the person again, that connection. I have experienced it a few times and it is intoxicating for sure. Just keep in mind that the fire that burns the most intensely is the hardest to keep going or control and it can end up causing the most damage. Contrary to popular dating belief it is something that I have had develop over time. The number one reason why people say there is no second date is that there was "no spark". I think it has a lot to do with the scenario, watching a movie is not optimal for developing sparks. I've had girls develop interest in me after watching me play softball, but sitting across from someone over drinks can be an entirely different story. Does that mean for all of my dates I should be inviting the girl to watch me play a sport? Possibly...
The last one in my discussion is the super elusive relationship chemistry. This basically combines the two previous types into a warm and fuzzy envelope with perhaps some extra whipped cream on top. There is a little give and take over what proportion the other chemistries mix in this one. Some people are willing to settle for less attraction for more in common, others will relent on the common ideas for the attraction. Ideally it is your best friend that you are totally attracted to, that undeniable attraction for someone who you also have a lot in common with. Someone you can spend time with and lose track of it. I've experienced it, I know it exists. The following are some quotes from my friends on what relationship chemistry is...
"Chemistry is where you want to do more than give them a friendly hug - all day every day. You click. You feel alive when you're near them. You feel alive when you just hear their voice."
"There's the part where you spend time together, the intimate part, and the part where you have similar interests right? They all need to fit together. If you only have two of the three it fails."
"It's like a warmth or spark between people. i think it's something that allows you to share the same space with that person."
"It's when you're drawn to somebody without even saying a word just based on animal instinct or you have a spark/chemistry on an intellectual level. It's the same thing to me."
"For sure there has to be a physical component and an intellectual component, maybe some type of value related element as well. Like if you were considering entering into a relationship with someone, you'd want there to be a physical attraction, and intellection stimulation and a sense that you shared the same values or that you valued the same things and wanted the same things out of life."
Ask yourself what you think it is. It seems to be different for everyone. I am convinced I could ask 100 different people and get 100 different answers. How would you define it?
I am back and I apologize for the long absence. Surprisingly more people than I would have thought have commented on the lack of entries lately. Funny, since nobody leaves COMMENTS ON MY ENTRIES...lol.
I just got back from a small vacation in the "Picture Province" for a good old country wedding and let's just say it was an experience. I didn't know it was possible to dance to "Spirit in the Sky" or "Footloose" or "Devil Went Down to Georgia", but I was proven wrong (by my drunken self mostly). My cousin actually requested some "fiddle music" from the band and she got her wish. My sister in law called me a "ghetto dancer" and I choose to take that as a compliment.
The time came when the garter was to be thrown and I was forced up amongst the single men. The competitiveness in me unexpectantly creeped up and I wanted to catch it, just for the sake of winning. As the garter was flying through the air I jumped for it and as it was about to land on my outstretched finger I came to my senses. I suddenly had the thought "What the hell are you doing??" and I pulled my finger back and and shifted my body (while still in the air) and avoided that thing like I was in the Matrix. The garter fell to the ground and I walked away like nothing had happened, nothing to see here! The crowd thought it was great and I felt like I just got shot in the chest while wearing a Kevlar vest and was trying to walk it off. "Haha I look pale? No I'm not feeling well, it certainly isn't because I almost caught the garter...that's RIDICULOUS. Where's my beer? Can I drink your beer? Oh I wasn't sitting on this side of the room before? Who are you? Oh sorry Uncle James, I didn't recognize you, you look so different from the last time I saw you 5 minutes ago...I'll be all right".
On a side note, I am an amazing dancer (opinions vary slightly) and you may find this hard to believe but I have had no FORMAL training. I found out at this dance that it is genetic which is both enlightening and a little upsetting. I thought I had carved out my legacy of snazzy dancing despite my family, but seeing my 83 yr old grandfather dancing to almost every dance and another 76 yr old relative doing what would be best described as naughty dancing, I see that it was inavoidable and the rhythm was eventually going to get me. I do take it to another level, but the foundation was already in place.
All in all good times had by all at the wedding/dance. Alcohol helps but it is good to go back to your roots sometimes and just let loose. So accept my sincerest apologies for leaving you all hanging for so long. I have another blog idea cooking so check back soon...
This for your viewing and listening pleasure if you're so inclined:
It is 2009 and it seems like the topic dominating the headlines is texting. Everywhere I look I see a story about how texting is the most popular form of communication these days. There are stories about "sexting" and the dangers of texting while driving, $5000 phone bills among other things...You can't go to the mall or a public place without seeing someone walking blindly hammering their thumbs on their keypad. I wonder how often these people run into other people or walls. You'd think it would be mostly kids but it seems to be people of all ages. It seems that at any given time with a large group of people, more than 50% are looking at their phones or crackberries.
It is amazing how quickly we become slaves to our addictions of convenience. If you want to communicate one thought almost instantly to someone not close enough to hear you, texting is the way to go. It has almost replaced my phone conversations altogether. It blows my mind how I'd rather have a text marathon of 100 texts as opposed to a 5 minute conversation. I think the biggest reason is that texting allows you to multitask and do other things while you are communicating with someone. I can clean my room, I can cook dinner, do laundry without having to carry on a full conversation. Texting involves about one thought every 2-3 minutes. If you can't string together one relevant thought at that frequency, a cellphone in any context might not be a good idea for you. Consider me one of the converted, I have the unlimited texting plan with something like 1200 combined sent and received texts on my last bill. It seems ludicrous to even comtemplate that many texts. I don't even know that many people really. I am definitely not a text zombie though, I always stop walking to text. We're all like Pavlov's dogs trained to hear that familiar sound of an incoming text. Have you ever been in a room with a bunch of people when someone gets a text? Everyone wants to look at their phone (and most people do) even if their phone makes a totally different noise when receiving a text. It is hilarious.
"Sexting" is the act of talking dirty over text and is one of the fastest growing fads these days. The story I read claimed that it is especially big with grade 7 to grade 12 kids. Texting naughty messages to each other in class is the "in" thing to do. I think most classrooms ban cell phones now, but they frowned on passing notes way back when and we still managed to do that relatively undetected. Kids will find a way to do what they want, there is very little way around that. As far as adults go it's not my cup of tea but if it appeals to you, fill your boots my friend.
If you text while driving you are just an idiot. That is what red lights are for. Smarten up and stop endangering other people on the road. Anytime I see someone swaying back and forth between the lines they invariably are texting on their phones or drunk. I imagine it is only a matter of time before I see a drunk driver drunk texting, I just hope when it happens they are not about to crash into me. I'm as capable as anyone at steering with my knees doing 130km/h while texting, yet I have to sense to know isn't a good idea.
So do us all a favor my fellow texters, practice safe texting whether it be when out in public, in your car or while "sexting" (is it just me or does that sound sketchy and gross?).
(636): maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
(937): I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
(979): I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
(513): theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
(850): I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
(773): My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family. (1-773): didn't stop? (773): naw, they were rude, not me.
(505): He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
(319): The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
(815): I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Is it just me or is there a certain kind of alcohol that makes you get a little out of control? I think most people have that specific type of drink that could lead to you hanging off a chandelier in your underwear singing Livin La Vida Loca. The drink that leads to the "I love you man!" or the uncontrolled sobbing fits...
When I drink hard liquor there is always a possibility it may get out of control. Hard liquor just affects me in a different way. Also factor in that hard liquor is easier to drink quickly when it is properly mixed and it is a recipe for disaster. If I drink beer I am fine, it's hard to drink beer too fast because it makes you feel full. After much experimentation, including trial and error, I am now aware of specific kinds of alcohol I should only drink in very limited quantities or avoid altogether. I've talked to some of my friends about this as well and they all seem to agree that one kind of liquor affects them differently than the others.
My kryptonite is Tequila (te-kill-ya). A close second is rum. I can be out with my friends pleasantly buzzed and if I do a shot or two of tequila, things can get messy. Next thing I know I am waking up wondering what the heck happened. Where are my pants? How did I get home? What is my name? There is something in tequila that just erases my memories of the night after the tequila makes its appearance. It never fails. Knowing all of this, I still try it on occasion, I just try to limit the intake. I figure I can use tequila like a flu shot. My body will get used to the effects if I introduce it in small doses here and there. I know it is my nemesis and I want to conquer it, especially after it has kicked my ass a few times. Rum has caused a few crazy nights as well but it has nothing on tequila.
So hear that tequila, I will conquer you slowly but surely. Either that or you'll knock me the hell out like you usually do when I challenge you. These are but small battles in a bigger war. Let the games begin...What is your kryptonite?
1. Why do people say "See you later now"? This bothers me, are you seeing me later or now? Make up your fool mind. Don't make me consider your intentions, that is wasted brain power that could be better used to figure out my next meal or what I'm going to do tonight. Do not ever say this to me or I may smack you upside the head and say "Smack you NOW!".
2. Why is it that when you need something (ie. a tack, a piece of paper, a ride, etc), there is never one around? Say you're on the phone with someone and they are going to give you another number to call or an address, what would you guesstimate the chances are of having a piece of paper and a pen handy? If you're lucky enough to find a pen it is completely empty of ink. If you needed to find one tack in 10 seconds to save your life, you'd likely die. If you have no need for a tack you see a pack of 100 that you don't even remember buying sitting on your desk and you wonder what the hell you'll ever do with them.
3. I can't be held responsible for my actions if I ever say "I can't find my (fill in the blank)" and someone has the infinite wisdom to tell me "It's always the last place you look...". By the time I admit defeat in the search to the point where I voice my failure I am thoroughly frustrated. Anyone around would be best served to choose their words wisely. The best thing is that people always say that line like they just derived the formula for Einstein's theory of relativity. Ok genius, why in the hell would I continue to look in other places after I found it??? That's ridiculous. Next you'll proudly recite your ABC's and tell me you want a cookie. Now go marry your cousin and spread the wealth of intelligence you possess.
4. Why is it that when the gas light comes on you are the farthest distance away from the cheapest gas? If you're lucky enough to be around the cheap gas when you need it and fill up, gas goes down the next day.
5. When I say I am buying a lottery ticket and someone says "I never win...". Of course I ask them how often they play and they always say "Well I don't...". Is it possible to win a lottery if you don't play it (aside from the Nigerian or UK lottery I win via email every week)? I think not. How many people do you see in the commercials with the huge cheque that say "I don't know how this happened, I didn't even buy a ticket!!"?? Zero, that is how many. It makes me think they didn't buy a ticket to the intelligence lottery either.
6. Why is it that when there are two or more lines to get to something that the line you are in is always the slowest. Oh you see the line next to you moving faster, you jump over and boom, that line becomes slower than the last. Never fails.
Stay thirsty my friends, and have a great weekend (just not greater than mine or I will be upset, nobody likes a showoff).
That was almost always invariably the reaction I got when I told people back in NB that I indeed had decided to pack up and move to the big smoke. The following are some quotes from people after I told them the startling news:
"Oh but what about the traffic??" - Contrary to popular belief, Toronto is not one big traffic jam 24 hours a day. 90% of the time it is fairly easy to get around. Traffic is a byproduct of there actually being things to do here. In Fredericton "traffic" consists of 3 cars being in front of you at the light and usually only happens right before Christmas. Toronto does not shut down at 10pm. This is a good thing. Usually when there is traffic there are alternative routes to get where you're going. People do more than just sit at home or go to the movies here, it's an amazing concept. It's surprising how fast you can get used to driving on a 6 lane highway really, it doesn't even phase me. It's amazing really.
"Aren't you afraid of getting shot?" - It might be hard to believe but I have never been shot at yet. I'm sure my mom pictures me stepping out of my place and dodging bullets like I am in the Matrix. I'm waiting to see if this year I get a Kevlar vest for Christmas. I'd wear it to the Walmart by my place just for fun. Just like back home there are places you don't go when it's dark outside. There are places you drive through quickly with the car doors locked. I try not to frequent the 7-11's with the bars on the doors. I don't walk down the street avoiding drive-by's. Some people even say hi here, it may be in a different language and I may be hoping they just said hi, but that is how I choose to see it. I am the eternal optimist though as anyone who knows me will attest...
"What about all those people? I couldn't handle that many people!" - Sure there are a lot of people here, a ton of people. Population of Fredericton approximately 70,000. Population of Toronto approximately 3.5 million or so. That is a lot of people, I agree. All those people are not in my living room though, I don't turn around in my kitchen and hit someone with a turban (although after some nights that are a bit fuzzy, I wouldn't be surprised). I don't have to push past people on the sidewalk all the time (seldom if ever). Riding the subway is a different story though, when it is packed with people I want to freak out just a bit. I'll give you that one. It doesn't happen much anymore since I don't work downtown, but remembering it makes me shudder just a little.
"You must have lost your mind!" - I can't really argue this one, all I can say is it was bound to happen at some point. I'm surprised I held on to the last shreds of sanity as long as I did, like a fat kid and the last smartie in the box (the days were numbered). NB is great for some people (great place to raise children, retire...), but it definitely was not the only place I wanted to live my entire life. I like to be able to go see concerts from somebody other than Blue Rodeo, Def Leppard or local bands (of which there were some good ones). I like to be able to go to live sporting events. I like to go places where everyone does not know my name and could care less that I came. I appreciate being able to go to a pub and not seeing one of my buddy's exes. These are just some of the joys of living in the city. Overall, a wise choice on my part I must say. I made the decision and haven't looked back.
Random Toronto Moments: Wondering around downtown and seeing a homeless guy absolutely freaking out yelling at a storm grate. I'm not sure what the storm grate did since it was not yelling back. If I asked the homeless guy, he might have told me different. I try to make it a general rule in my life that if someone is having an argument with an inanimate object, I don't take sides or try to mediate.
Riding the bus one day there was a weird looking guy with wild eyes sitting there just surveying the situation. An attractive blond girl was sitting beside him minding her own business, he didn't seem to notice her at all. The guy gets to his stop and stands up, turns to the girl and yells "I DON'T LIKE YOUR FACE!!" and smiles ridiculously while exiting the bus. Walking outside the bus he looks directly at me (still on the bus and mesmerized by what just happened) and yells "RUN!!". Absolutely captivating, who needs TV?
"Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you! Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels...or ouch, ouch you're on my hair." - Wedding Crashers
I couldn't have said it better myself. It is a "forced intimate, awkward situation". It's one thing if you know some common interests and you can talk about them, but otherwise you just ramble random anecdotes and hope the person says "Yeah I hate that too!" or "I know exactly what you mean!". It's all about building a rapport and comraderie. You're basically trying to convince the person you are with that you are more fun to be with than sitting home with Rogers On Demand.
I am not exactly great at first dates, I am usually nervous and if anything, too well behaved. I am too aware of inadvertently touching my date to make them uncomfortable and I am sure it likely comes off as noticeable avoidance which in turn makes my date that much more uncomfortable. What do you talk about? I find the best way to connect is to recount bad first dates because almost everyone has had them. It's the search for the topic that allows you to "connect" and find that elusive "chemistry" or "spark". Alcohol helps. A majority of people need to feel that spark with someone in the first 2 hours of meeting or there is no second date. I've been lucky enough to experience that electrifying, smack you upside your head, no denying it, what the hell is this chemistry on a first date and I must admit it is very addictive. Unfortunately that kind of connection is hard to find and equally hard to sustain. I just usually try to get a feel for the person and see if I want a second date. Both people are usually on their best behavior, I don't think you get to see the real person until at least the 4th date. So basically it is all bullshit until you make it through the interview process. You never find out about the porn collection, kicking old people down stairs, the criminal record, the illegitimate children and other fun facts until they feel comfortable enough that you won't bolt.
What do you do for the date? Do you do the good old coffee or ice cream date? Drinks? Dinner? Dinner and drinks? Movie? I prefer the coffee date or the drinks date as it allows you to get a feel for the person and go on to do something else if the vibe is good. I've had a first date that started off playing pool, involved being in the back of a cop car and ended with jumper cables. You can use your imagination to fill in the blanks. Needless to say it was memorable and there was no denying the "spark" (couldn't resist the pun). A friend recently told me about a date where her and her date decided to go to a clothing store and play dressup. The guy comes out of the change room with his pants undone and reached up for something off a rack. The angle was not a good one and she could see down his underwear a bit and boom, huge untamed bush flowing upwards. There was no second date surprisingly. I went on a date once that included drinks in a pub, there was a live band playing and the music was loud. I could hardly hear what the girl was saying and answered and added comments as best I could. She later told me that she thought I was a bit dumb after the date and actually joked about it with her co-workers ("smart like sidewalk"). Turns out she was asking me stuff and I would answer totally different questions because I misheard what she was saying. Going for drinks at a place where Skid Row had the amp cranked to 11 was not the best idea.
What do you wear? Do you do your impression of the Fresh Prince to seem hip? Dress up in your velour tracksuit to show your funky side? I don't care if your jumpsuit cost $300, it just means you paid $300 to look like a douchebag. Congrats. Do you dress up like it is the first day of 5th grade and you're showing off your new clothes? I usually go for the James Dean look with jeans and a tshirt. I figure that is universally appealing. Apparently shoes are a HUGE part of the outfit. If my date does not work out I like to blame it on my shoes. "Damn shoes let me down again, she was digging me until she saw those shoes...". One date showed up wearing an orange corduroy outfit complete with matching hat and informed me that it was her hot outfit. I had a date once where the girl showed up looking like the hooker Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. She proceeded to tell me how most guys didn't show her the respect she deserved on dates...you mean a Flashdance shirt used as a short dress, thigh high boots and a leotard don't command respect?? The part that cracks me up is that was likely her A-game outfit. I should have asked her on a second date just to see what was second in the rotation, it likely would have blown my mind. I'm thinking there might have been fishnets and maybe some clear heels. Alas, I will never know...and yet I sleep well at night.
So things go fairly well and the date is coming to a close. Is there going to be a kiss or an ass-out hug? I think it is safe to say things did not go well if it ends with a handshake. A handshake is essentially a polite way of kicking someone in the crotch and spitting on them. You might as well mutter "I detest you" as you walk away, kick dirt on their shoes or possibly do a three stooges eye poke. Not that I have ever received the "handshake" just going by what I have heard...all my dates end in prolonged makeout sessions of course. I usually don't even kiss on the first date unless there is a clear and obvious sign it is wanted. I've been known to even run away at times. I would like to have it videotaped just to watch how awkward I am at it. I have no doubt it would crack me up. It's even better when you go into kiss each other on the cheek and somehow get messed up and kiss the nose or chin. Are we having fun yet??? Can we please do this again? "I'm usually more charismatic than this...".
So the date comes to an end and you spend the next 2-24hrs analyzing the hell out of it and thinking of all the things you could have done better. Overall it was a good date, there is some potential there...so now...when do you call? When do you hit them up for date #2? There are many different schools of thought on the proper time to do this. Some people firmly believe that you need to wait 3 days to contact the person. So you basically have to avoid the person for 3 days so as not to seem overly available/desperate. Then I am guessing that you call the person up and hope they remember you. I am not a fan of this method. I like to build on positive momentum. I call or text when I feel like it, sometimes the same night. I think it is just a nice thing to do. Everyone is so busy nowadays, what is wrong with letting someone know you enjoyed their company and are thinking of them? If that is wrong, I don't want to be right.
So why do we go through this "forced, awkward intimate" experience? For the hope that we will hit it off with the person and we'll never have to do it ever again. Perhaps at the very least we will have more fun than if we'd stayed home with the Rogers on Demand...
I love the internet. Absolutely, positively, without a doubt love it. I wonder how we ever lived without it. We were likely way more productive back in the day but we are way more entertained now. I would also argue that people need constant stimuli now as a result of being able to be entertained so easily, but it seems like a worthy side effect to me.
Just think of the world of convenience we now enjoy. If I so choose on any given day I can check sports scores, watch videos of a chipmunk waterskiing in a pool, order a pizza, watch full episodes of my favorite shows, chat with friends, check my bank account, buy stocks, buy a new car, sell all the junk in my closet, buy a Russian wife, either order a real book or find a book that I can read on my computer screen, buy "embarassing" pharmacy items, download my favorite CDs and songs, see what my kids might look like, check what celebrities I look most like, find out what people I didn't talk to in high school are doing, buy a plane ticket, make dinner reservations, pay my bills, watch some B-List celebrity's sex tape and so much more. All without leaving my place. Back in the day (which was a Wednesday) it would take me over a week to do all of those things, now I could likely do it all in an hour if I put my mind to it.
Throw in the fact that I can now do all of the above stuff on my phone and it is absolutely ridiculous. I can remember rotary phones, it would take over 90 seconds just to dial a 7 digit number. Touch tone phones were a huge upgrade. There was a time when I was quite young that I was the remote control for the television (I thought my name was "Change the channel" until I was 6 years old). When I was 6 years old I could read and memorize the TV listings because that cut down on the channel changing. Oh how far we have come...I'm very interested to see where it goes from here.
Of course it is not all yellow brick road. Having access to so many things at the click of a mouse makes a lot of people unable to entertain themself for even a short amount of time in the absence of technology. There is such a constant barrage of images and sounds thrown at us during the course of the day that we tune most of it out without even realizing it. When all that noise is taken away it feels excruciatingly quiet for a lot of people. Attention spans are generally lower and people need the familar "hum" to distract them. That is precisely why I like to go out into nature for a hike or a camping trip every once in a while just to remind myself of what it used to be like and to come back refreshed feeling more like a human.
So you're sitting at home on a random night, there's nothing good on TV but you keep flicking through the channels. Your friends invited you out but you declined. Now you're wishing you had just given in to the peer pressure and met up with them. You decide to surf the internet and you see them...you flip through the channels and you are bombarded with them. You wonder just how effective they are. Nobody in their right mind would ever call or click, or would they? Then you start wondering why they are so abundant if they never work at all, so some people must be providing the positive reinforcement to keep them going. Are they the weirdos and social misfits living in their mom's basement?
Of course I am talking about the abundance of ads we see everyday. I am bombarded with ridiculous ads every time I log into Facebook claiming I can "get a hot girlfriend today", "meet hot girls in your area", "have girls lining up to date you", "have any woman I desire", and even "meet hot (fill in the foreign nationality) women" just by clicking on the link. You mean to tell me it is THAT easy? Maybe all this time I have been needlessly making it all harder than it could be. I feel like an idiot now. Leave it to me to make everything more difficult than it needs to be. I've been wasting all this time talking to people who have english as their first language. Now I know better. Thanks Facebook. I mean look at the ad above, who in their right mind would not want a free trip to Costa Rica with their family to meet up with the woman in the dental floss bathing suit??
The TV ads are even worse. They show the scantily clad women laying on a bed chatting on the phone all the while talking to the camera. She is amazing at multitasking and quite attractive to boot. She looks so happy to be staying in on a Saturday night talking on her home phone. It must be amazingly stimulating conversation on the other end of the phone. I have to say I am a bit jealous as I eat my Cherry Garcia ice cream and wonder what the hell they are chatting about. Maybe she is discussing the stock market and the economy. Gas Prices? International trading with China, Obama's first year in office? Maybe her new pedicure or a new shade of nail polish...or just maybe how she is getting paid to make a ridiculous commercial. Do people actually think there is any chance they are talking to this girl when they call the number? I'm guessing chances are you will be talking to a 300lb circus freak lady with hair in her belly button and grease stains on her 2XL tshirt. Please somebody hold me back. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. I can't seem to forget the old school commercials where there were like three women dressed in leather outfits of different varieties all around a large fence. They are singing the "Pick up the phooooooooooone, I'm all aloooooooooone...pick up the phone pick up the phone". They start climbing on the fence and grabbing on it and shaking it like the fence is the only thing holding them back from getting to you. For only $5.99 a minute you can make that fence magically disappear and speak to one of these women on the phone. It's a steal of a deal at twice the price really, what are you waiting for? Well if you are like me you are waiting for this idiot commercial to be over and for the informercial for the "Snuggie" to come on.
stretch out. I used the automatic pump to inflate it in about 5 minutes. It was all blown up and looked dreamy, comfortable and spacious. I crawled into my sleeping bag (I came prepared) and settled in for a relaxing night's sleep with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. All was well until around 8am when I woke up in a panic on my side because I couldn't really move. The room was pitch black and I couldn't tell why I was so constricted. Upon further investigation I realized that the air mattress had deflated a fair bit and all the air was out at the sides trapping me in a V-shaped air mattress-o-death. It was at precisely that moment I was reminded that I am in fact single for Christmas and that having a girlfriend would have the added benefit of evening out the air mattress so at least it would deflate on both sides, allowing me to sleep longer before hitting the concrete. Being the glass-half-full find of guy I am I decided to look at the hole in the air mattress as the gift of a built in alarm clock. Looking at the situation now I could have achieved the same thing with some sort of counterweight.
All in all it was a great trip aside from the weather while we were there. Good friends and good times. Yesterday on my drive home I saw four people over the age of 50 jogging (or at least a sad attempt at jogging) in the -20 windchill. One poor guy's face was an awful shade of red as if it might explode. It almost made me feel lazy by not running or going to the gym in a while, but then I decided running would not be fully enjoying my body's naturally high metabolism. I decided to celebrate it by drinking coke, eating Triscuits and playing Xbox instead...Happy New Year!
